Sunday, April 27, 2008

I Will Not Be Answering Your Call

I loathe the phone. If you have my cell phone number, I would like to congratulate you, for you are important. However, don't even think of calling me. That's why I have text messaging.

These days I've been busy crafting marketing magic, writing stuff, and maintaining a jetset-lifestyle -all of which has people wondering, "how can someone be this good?" I don't know, some say my Mom was visited by an Angel in 1979 and that is how I was conceived. I cannot confirm this because I was not there, and my mother can't because people would say she's a blasphemer and she hates it when people call her that.

In any event, these days work demands that I spend a lot of time talking on the phone to people whom I have great disdain for. Now, I can't call these people out by name because my boss occasionally reads this blog and evidently, calling clients "hateful beasts" is not nice or ethical or something. I don't really know, I went to school for musical theatre and all I learned there was how to sing a beautifully floaty A flat, do a triple pirouette, and hook up with painfully needy/easy girls. That's my background, my set of experiences.

One of the main reasons I don't like the phone is that I get bored very easily, much like this monkey here. You see, I'm a visual-literal person (which is a highly technical term that I may have just made up). I need to see you to know that you exist. In some instances you may find us chatting on the phone and you ask me, "are you even listening?"You know the gig, if you have to ask the question, the answer is likely to be, "no, no, I'm not." BUT perhaps I'm not listening because I'm not even sure that you exist, man. That could very well be too. Now, I say 'perhaps', because more than likely it's just that you're not that interesting on the phone and I got bored. I'm sorry, that's not very nice. But its... um, oh what's the word.... true. Yeah, true, that's the word I was looking for.

Additionally, as I've grown into the wildly attractive person you read before you today, I have been able to seamlessly shift from situation to situation by virtue of being sensitive to visual social cues that people give during the course of conversation, and adapt accordingly. So when I inevitably drop some ageist, fatist, or generally elitist comment, it will be certain that I can enjoy (at the very least) a well-deserved polite laugh for my efforts. How will I be able to assure this? Only through surveying your visual responses to all the shitty things that I'd said up to that point. That is not something I can do on the phone.

You're probably thinking: it's not that you hate the phone, it's really just that you're a jerk. That is indubitable, but beyond that I really have you in mind. Yes, you! For while you're talking to me on the phone, I am likely participating in a variety of undesirable activities that I would like to shield you from. Activities I would not (or at least should not) be participating in were we to be actually meeting face to face or safely, detachedly posting messages on each other's Facebook walls.

What are the activities that I'm "protecting" you from, you sarcastically ask? Well, they vary really. Top of the list is me trying to prevent myself from blurting out, "DEAR GOD! HOW DO I END THIS PAINFUL EXCHANGE!??" Yeah, usually that's the first thing I'm protecting you from.

Other activities vary in degrees of grossness, absurdity or sociopathic behavior. Whether it's attempting to mask the fact that I'm taking a dump or admiring my own physique in any readily available mirrored surface or flossing (oh, who am I kidding, I don't floss....); two things are certain: it will be unappealing to you and it will not involve me actively participating in our "conversation."

So where do we go from here? Will we ever truly connect? If I have my druthers, probably not. If we haven't spoken or I haven't returned your call, it is likely that I'm avoiding you. Who knows why I'm avoiding you, really? Maybe I owe you money, maybe I find you intolerable or maybe I just can't stop picturing that mole on your neck. Which, by the way, you really should get checked out.

What I would suggest is that you try texting or e-mailing me. While many people look down on these methods as impersonal, I endorse them for that very reason. I can get back to on my own time with as many or as few words as I deem sufficient.

So there it is. It's all out on the table. Let us proceed from this point. And if the texting/e-mailing bit doesn't work, I'll probably be at Kelly's and we can sort any other miscommunications over a Coors Light and some Barry Manilow. For that is the American Way.


Hector said...

You're my favorite a-hole! Big kisses!
Keep up the "Grump-tion"!

Fran said...

Aww you mentioned Kelly's
so sweet.

Thanks Patrick!


Sade Baderinwa said...


Greatness With Garrigan Gumption said...

Oh Sade....


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