Sunday, February 24, 2008

Liveblogging An Hour of the Oscars


Oscar night! Hazzah! Do you have Oscar fever?!!! Yeah, me neither. Despite this, I have decided to liveblog this most illustrious night of the talkies. Well, I was gonna, but I'm like wicked busy and stuff and frankly I have a short attention span. So instead you get one full hour of magic celebrating the moving image. Well, let's get started, this shit's already been on for (45) minutes, and culture buddy, Nurse Julie and I are already hammered.

9:17 - What have we here? Jennifer Hudson done tied her boobies up in a dress. Oh, stretch marks...

9:18 - Philip Seymour Hoffman, shafted again. Must clap. One night it will be your turn, I promise you this.

9:19 - Havier’s mother wears too much tacky jewelry. She looks like a Navajo turquoise saleslady.

9:22 - Havier makes out w/ shriveled mommy.

9:24 - Keri Russell. One time, I went on a date and saw August Rush. After seeing this movie, I added Keri to my list of crappy actresses right alongside that queen of crappy, Andie MacDowell. Keri, you owes me $20.

9:26 - August Rush ditty hand-ography inspires; I want to be seated in the pews, please.

9:28 - Owen Wilson is not dead.

9:29 - Foreign flick features kid-in-a-bag – I want one.

9:30 - Kid-in-bag movie wins. No ENGLISH!? USA! USA!

9:31 - Not another CGI cartoon worked into the awards [groan].

9:32 - Creepy British dude brings puppet onstage; I smell crazy.

9:33 - “This is for everyone.” Does that include me? 'Cause I, like, totally deserve it.

9:35 - No more montages.

9:36 - Alan Arkin has looked the same for the past 20 years.

9:38 - Tilda s’WIN's-ton! If you are gonna be all pastey-like, you better wear some make-up.

9:39 - Giving her agent her Oscar?!! Silly limey.

9:44 - “This year I took one for the team and gave awards to nerds so they wouldn't uglify the joint. Here's a (15) second clip to prove we did it. Feel free to go to the bathroom now." –Jessica Alba

9:47 - LA makes me throw up. Repeatedly.

9:48 - Joel & Ethan Coen: we are smug and we read books and we have Oscars and we thank you very much.

9:49 - "Why do we give out Oscars?" Because shameless back patting and massaging of over-inflated egos are key to the success of our industry.

9:50 - Ad for PriceWaterhouseCoopers cleverly disguised as 'how do we pick these here winners' sizzle reel.

9:53 - Miley Cyrus really a bobble head? You be the judge.

9:54 - I want to spoon with Kristen Chenoweth – get in my crook!

9:55 - ConEd: On it. Maybe not in that come to your aid during Blackout ’03 kind of way, but in a can do aerials and assorted acrobatic tricks in flashy production numbers kind of way.

9:56 - Kristen gives good side boob as she waves goodbye. I loooovvvvee yoooooou. Call me.

10:03 - Bourne Ultimatum wins for sound editing, I immediately begin fighting Nurse Julie.

10:07 - Bourne Ultimatum wins for sound mixing, I mortally wound Nurse Julie.

10:10 - Kate Blanchett looks like a man. A very pregnant man.

10:12 - It is at this time I reveal Laura Linney and I are engaged. Sorry ladies. We’re very happy, and are purchasing a bungalo.

10:13 - French lady wins Oscar, French music plays. Clever, clever.

10:14 - Jules, all bloody-like, asks would I do the French lady or girl from Juno. I pick French lady, she has that certain je ne sais quas. …and bigger tittays.

10:17 - Audi has a new sexytime car that I like but will never be able to afford. Hooray!

59... 60. And that's an hour. Yup, another unremarkable evening of self-congratulations complete. Anyway, I suppose I better find a nurse to tend to Nurse Julie's wounds, she's getting blood on my IKEA sofa. "I'm the king of the world!"

1 comment:

Hector Coris said...

I haven't even WATCHED the Oscars yet. It's festering in my DVR but having read this, I can't wait to watch them tonight (Fast-fowarding to your time stamps, obviously!)
XO
Hector

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