Monday, February 11, 2008

Stop Bicycle Violence, Walk It Out

Back in the late 90's, early aughts I went to school where I purchased books. I didn't really read any of them but but carried them around under one arm so the ladies would think I was a smarty. One of the books that fit really well in the crook of my armpit was about Aristotle who evidently advised that if you're trying to deliver a message, know your audience. I know my audience.

My audience is primarily composed of theatre trash, YouTube enthusiasts, and hardcore hip-hop fans. Aristotle proposed that if you are looking to persuade your audience, speak to them in terms they can relate to. Which is why I utilize a video of a beehived Gwen Verdon gyrating her jibbly no-no bits to the delightful sounds of Unk's Walk it Out to convince you not to order for delivery. Instead, Walk It Out.

My beef is not with delivery food not being healthy. The only thing I love more than a Law & Order marathon is eating an order of General Tso's off of my exposed belly. My beef is with the delivery apparatus itself:


As I develop into adulthoodiness, I become markedly more worldly and begin to consider whether the ends justify the means -especially as it pertains to important issues like dumbasses on bikes.

Growing up in Ohio, oh how I loved to go on long bike rides out to the the chicken farm where the stale, ripe stench of death and poultry feces would cause me to throw up and then I would head home for a popsicle. Those were good bike rides. You know why they were good bike rides? Because during the course my bike ride I didn't encounter a single pedestrian. That, and the poultry-induced vomiting helped pave the way for the full blown bulimia that keeps me thin and attractive today.

I tell this story to illustrate a point. No one will love you if you're not skinny. Wait, wait, no. The point is I don't hate all bicyclists. Just ones who ride on the sidewalk in crowded areas while talking on cell phones, showing a blatant disregard for all traffic laws and almost hit me, like, everyday. In short, delivery bicyclists. Yeah, I hate them.

It ain't just me being a pissy bastard. City Council member, Jessica S. Lappin, who is much hotter than Christine Quinn, is also up in arms against these terrifying two-wheelers. According to Ms. Lappin via City Room, these reckless delivery bicyclists are now targeting children and the elderly!

"Ms. Lappin, a Democrat who represents the Upper East Side, said she has regularly received complaints from constituents about unsafe conditions. A nine-year-old constituent, Annabel Azziz, wrote to her, saying, “We can’t talk a walk without being nervous of bicycles zooming next to us.” Another constituent, an elderly woman, was hit by a bike last Thursday and needs hip replacement surgery as a result, she said. ...I hear in community meetings, night after night, that people are afraid to walk down the street,” Ms. Lappin said in a phone interview."

Oh, the Zumanity! Zooming! Hips replaced! Fear of walking down the street! When will it end? I'll tell you when it will end. It will end when your lazy ass stops ordering delivery and starts walking over to the place that is (2) blocks away from your apartment and pick up your own damn food -that's when. You don't need to boycott delivery food. Rather, boycott the delivery of food. Ya dig?

Listen folks, this will totally work. One time, I waged a grassroots campaign to get a beer garden removed from the center of the town square (where children were being exposed to public lewdness & drunkeness) and lobbied to have it placed in my driveway. You know what happened? It worked. The beer garden got relocated to my driveway and after getting shitfaced, I only had to walk (10) feet, where I could pass out comfortably on my porch. That is the power, people!

So I strongly encourage you to join Walk It Out. By simply moving your atrophied limbs to pick up orders of lard-based takeout food, you can strike a blow to the to the deadly, multi-billion dollar bicycle delivery industry, and make the streets safer for your osteoporosis-stricken neighbors. It's what Gwen would want.

And if this campaign doesn't work, please check out:

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