Sunday, January 06, 2008

SPECIAL REPORT: An Enormous Caucus

Man! Was that a hot, throbbing caucus on Thursday or what?

That's right kids, the election calendar has kicked off and we are now in the midst of presidential magic. Who will get to fly around in the green helicopter? Who will get their very own museum? And most importantly, who will get to pose for pictures in that really pretty rose garden? In the coming year we will learn the answers to all these questions.

I am a political savant. Not in the sense that I study politics or directly participate in the political process. Rather, I watch a lot of TV and comment on how the colors & patterns of the politicians' ties make me feel. (ex. Ron Paul's backgammon themed tie made me feel itchy).

With all this TV watchin', I hear lotsa speeches. Most of them are pretty predictable, "don't kill unborn babies," "if gay people get married, then people will start marrying river otters because of their inherent cuteness," or "on day one everyone will get free Cinnabons*" -you know, the usual. Tired of the same old rhetoric, I have taken it upon myself to craft some original stump speeches for a few of the Democratic and Republican candidates, and with your kind permission, I would like to share them with you now.


"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for having me here today. It means so much to me to have the opportunity to share some of my thoughts with you, the wonderful people of Child Care Providers Local 127. On 9/11 we were attacked by Islamofascists. These are ruthless radicals whose sole desire is to bring harm to this Great Nation. Since 9/11, I have worked tirelessly to ensure the safety of not only New York City, but other high-value terrorist targets, like here in Derry, NH.

In my pursuits, I found that normal food did not give me enough energy that I needed to fight Osama bin Laden and the terrorists that attacked us on 9/11. I tried beef. I tried PowerBars. I even tried falafel. On a foreign policy fact-finding mission to Abadajeheen, I discovered babies. I found their meaty legs & arms gave me the life force needed to root out terrorists where ever they dwelled. Since then I've been on a strict baby only diet.

The problem is here in America the liberal elites and activist judges won't let good, hardworking people like you and me eat babies. And by doing so, they embolden the enemy. Today, I look to you. Not just for your vote, but your near unrestricted access to the delicious bambinos that provide me with the elan needed to bring the evil doers that attacked us on 9/11 to their knees. If you don't, the terrorists win. Think about it.

Thank you again for having me. Enjoy the chicken salad.


People of Iowa! The world is a very unstable place, and we need a president with real foreign policy experience. Today, I make you this promise. When elected I will personally end North Korea's nuclear weapons program! I have a special rapport with Kim Jong Il. He says I remind him of his cousin, Stew.


I want to thank the AARP for providing this remarkable platform to discuss the issues. You know, throughout this campaign, a lot of the other candidates have been talking about health coverage. You are very fortunate to have some of the greatest health care professionals in the world right here in Des Moines.

As governor of Massachusetts, I created coverage opportunities for all of my constituents and personally oversaw an awareness program focused on prevention. Treating illness before it becomes a problem. Which brings me to my point today.

Prostate exams. I will never forget my very first prostate exam. I was 30 years old. I remember sitting in the cold, sterile exam room as I studied charts detailing the interconnectedness of the ear, nose & throat. After about 20 minutes, Dr. Jimbles entered the room. He was a nice enough man with a cheery demeanor and remarkable knowledge of Milwaukee Brewers stats. After a short bit of chit chat Dr. Jimbles perkily squeeked, "well let's get to business, shall we?" He instructed me to drop my drawers and bend over. "This will be a little uncomfortable," he sheepishly apologized. And with that, he went to town on my cornhole. Involuntarily I bleated out "eeeeeeeeech." And as soon as it had begun, it was over.

I learned some important lessons that day. Prevention is key. Prostate exams are decidedly uncomfortable & vulnerable. Why do I tell this story? I don't know. Frankly, sometimes I black out and wake up dressed up as Ethel Merman. Anyway, dontchu go dyin' on me before election day! Good evening!


A lot of people thought that this moment would never happen. Who would ever have thought that an attractive, charismatic, rich, well-educated politician would ever win a caucus. Or any election ever, for that matter. Am I right? Of course I'm right. How did we get here? The answer lies in the fact that America is hungry for CHANGE.

Change is the word of the day. Change has (6) letters in it. And the people of Iowa know this.

If you jumble the letters in the word Change you get 'Canghe' and 'Nagche.' Neither of which mean anything, but today the voters of Iowa -both Democrats and Independents
headed the call of Nagche, and embraced Canghe, because they're tired of politics as usual.

In my travels I've met a lot of people who Change things. I met Phyllis in Ames, who Changes hear sheets once a week -sometimes more if they're visibly dirty. I met Hal, a maintenance worker from Bettendorf, who Changes his tires when the treads wear down which is a good practice that keeps the steering better aligned. Or Claire, a single mother from Popejoy, who much like Mr. Rodgers, Changes from her shoes into house slippers when she returns home from work. These people inspire me.

Today Iowa has proclaimed that Change is all around us. Why, in my very own pocket I have Change. As a matter of fact, I have (3) quarters, (1) nickel and (4) pennies. I do not know why we even make pennies anymore. When I become president, I will get rid of pennies. Because while I love Change, I hate pennies.

Thank you all so much for your support of both me and Change. Without Change things are the same. Which as the people of this great state know is fine for a while, but after a while, you know, it becomes boring and stuff.



Faith has always informed every decision in my life. It is but through the grace of God that I find myself in this truly blessed position today.

I remember once speaking with God back in 2003. And He said to me, "Mikey 'ol boy, you are a fat piece of shit. It looks like your neck is slowly eating your head. And between you and me, I know you haven't seen your penis in years. If you are going to serve the people you need to staple your stomach or some shit cause no one likes a fatty." It is from this moment that I decided to lose weight.

Losing weight quickly isn't easy. It involves drinking nutrients out of a tube for, like, a buncha weeks and walking around and such. But it has granted me the opportunity to serve the people of Arkansas all skinny-like. Okay sure, some may say my "serving" was completely forgettable and I don't know dick about anything, but I'm skinny. And God digs the skinny. Amen.

Maybe I do have something to contribute to the political landscape after all. I'm Patrick Garrigan and I endorse this message.

*Cinnabon is the official cinnamon roll of Patrick Garrigan.


fakir lamon said...

you are brilliant. fucking brilliant. marjow indeed sir.

Anonymous said...

I love snarkiness!


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