Sunday, January 20, 2008

Ramblin' Man


So often, when I'm invited to give blog readings at neighborhood Barnes & Nobles, people constantly comment, "Patrick, what I wouldn't give to get inside your head." I chuckle, and then charge them $25 for a children's book I wrote about tap dancing robot clowns which inevitably take over the world in 2017 because they're disarmingly talented.

You know what though? I like you -you've got an honest face. Today we're gonna do something different. Since the pursuit of Greatness takes many forms and I'm slap happy and nothing annoyed me enough this week to complain about, I'm just gonna write and stuff.

So c'mon, let's get ramblin':


"How do you do that?

Is it difficult to write something new every week? Yes, in fact, it is. The problem is I have a very short attention span. I think this harkens back to my youth. You see, I'm from Ohio. In Ohio we raised bunny rabbits for meat. Occasionally, killin' day came 'round where we would butcher 8 - 10 rabbits in one sitting. For that reason, I never took the time to get attached to them.


Speaking of getting attached, sometimes when I'm at the gym and trying my hardest to look cool, the cord to my earphones will get attached to some part of workout equipment. This inevitably pulls the little buds out of my ears. When this happens it is usually a bit painful. The most painful part is the bruised ego bit though. I mean everyone saw that the buds got pulled out of my ears and how I flinched when it happened. Oh, well let's do another set of curls.

When eating french fries, I will almost always opt for the curly fries. Especially curly fries at Arby's they have herbs and spices that I find delectable. There's a quote that says something is the spice of life. I wish I knew what that something was, but for the life of me I really can't remember maybe it's hugs. I doubt it is though -that's not very profound.

Being profound is waaaaay overrated. I've been there once or twice and if felt pretty good at the time, but later I think people thought that I stole the profoundness from someone else. I really don't think I that I did. Then I get all indignant and shit, when the fact of the matter is it is a very real possibility that I just regurgitated something from someone on TV or that article in Newsweek.

My buddy Erick gave me a subscription to Newsweek this year for Christmas. Pretty nice gift and I believe he saved like 40% off the cover price. So good for him for being the bargain shopper.

When I went to Syracuse there was a grocery store called Price Chopper which rhymes with shopper. The logo for this store was this hatchet looking thing stuck in what I always thought was a wheel of cheese. To this day, I don't know if that is what it was supposed to be or not.

It's like when you hear a turn of phrase like "case in point" and someone will repeat it as "case and point." Then you're like, "hmmm, I wonder which is correct." Ultimately though you won't waste much thought on cause, you don't really use that expression enough to really exert any more energy on it.

I feel like I'm a pretty energetic person. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I drink a lot of coffee. I used to make my coffee in a Mr. Coffee coffee maker but I stopped because I started to think that the coffee tasted like mold. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. I just didn't want to risk it. When that happened I started using a French press coffee maker which makes me feel tres cosmopolitan.

I've never understood the appeal of Cosmopolitan for the ladies out there. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that to me it always looks like it has the same cover stories on it every month. There's only so many times you can discover you significant other's erogenous zones before you've got it down pat.

When I was in high school, everyone used to call me Pat. I fucking hated that. Then I would have to do an impression of Pat from SNL which was just annoying and stupid. Remember, that was around the time when the folks at Saturday Night never knew how to end a skit and it would just fade out punctuated by courtesy laughter / applause from the studio audience.

I don't mind courtesy laughter, at least the person who is giving the courtesy laughter acknowledges that you were trying to make a joke. So, um, thanks for being a good listener.

Speaking of listening, do you remember when you were a kid an you used to have to take the hearing tests where you would put on the headphones and have to raise your hand to correspond with ear that the beep happened. I always thought that was kind of fun. Then you had to the scoliosis exam which always gave me the heebee jeebess. I mean really fucking freezing hands and it was always done in some abandoned storage closet. Shady.

I do enjoy shade in the literal sense. You see, I don't like to be hot. When it is cold out you can always put clothes on. But when it is balls hot, like it is in New York in August, it is downright oppressive and there's only so much clothing you can take off before your arrested. Or at least get a ticket. ...and nobody likes that. Unless it's a ticket to a movie.

I feel like I don't keep up with what is playing at the movies. So if people suggest a movie I will go. This isn't always a good thing to do, you know deferring to other people. Sometimes it is a nice thing to do, but just think about it: then your stuck watching some shit movie; when all you really had to do was go to Rotten Tomatoes and see what people are recommending.

Who knows, maybe you had a busy week. You know one of those days where you're constantly moving and you can kind of feel like the front of your brain is working harder than normal. That area just behind your hairline. Take a moment to feel for it, I'll wait. Okay you've taken far too long now it's getting creepy.

You know when it's not creepy? When you go to get your hair cut and they really take their time to work the shampoo into your scalp. I really like that. I find it really relaxing. I try not to get too relaxed when it is happening though or else I feel like I would just go to sleep. Which isn't all bad, but I would probably start drooling. ...and don't get me started on the mouth cheese. Which is just gross. Sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up.

Sometimes shit just comes out, you know. Like the other day I went to a nicer party and in the course of conversation told a WASPy girl about this bar that has a large dildo behind the bar- I found this hilarious. She did not. Eh, if they can't take a joke. Tell another one. Or just go grab another drink and find someone else to talk to. Odds are at any given party there's bound to be someone who you can get along with. Maybe not. If that's the case I would leave that party and go get some street meat. Street meat, while delicious, can be a little hit or miss. So choose your vendors well. And make sure you get plenty of both red and white sauce.

Blue skies. Nothing but blue skies from now on. That's a pretty good song, but I feel like it has been over used in too many commercials. I feel the same way about that Don't Hold Back song, you know, the Chemical Bros. one. Great song, it ends up in a Budweiser commercial. I'm like I really don't want to hear that again if I can avoid it. Good commercial, just kinda ruins the legitimacy of the song.

It's very funny, I have opinions about just about everything. Many of them are opinions about things that I know either nothing or very little about. But I'd like to learn about stuff if the option presents itself. The problem is so many people express their opinions as fact that you never can tell if what they're saying is true or just something THEY read in Newsweek."


Well, that was weird and fun. See you next week kids.

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