Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Worst Christmas In New York... still better than the best Christmas where ever the hell you live! Zing! Seasons Greetings!

This weekend my lil' sis, Lise (pictured), was visiting as part of the annual Garrigan Holiday Summit. Essentially, the summit is a delightful period where the Garrigan cousins get hammered & attempt to hold conversations with the elder members of the clan to decidedly mixed results.

As Lise, her boyfriend, John & I toured the city, taking in the seasonal highlights & the city's first snow, I was overcome by what can only be described as joy. This joy moved me to do great, thoughtful things such as telling a stranger that she was standing on a used condom and holding the door for an ugly person -both of which I would normally never do.

The more I was filled with joy, the more I realized that I'm probably better than you - if you don't live in New York, that is. Listen, don't get all pissy. I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

The city does a lot of things really, really well. You know, like, making pot accessible (I've heard), minimizing interpersonal contact & controlling the poor. But it doesn't do anything better than it does Christmas! Here, let me prove it!


Each year, across the country in crappy towns much like your own, millions of Christmas enthusiasts stage live nativities. As shown here, this ghetto cresh has been judged and found wanting: wise(wo)man 1 ate Baby Jesus, wiseman 2 comes baring the gift of a 40, and wiseman 3 greets the Heavenly King donning a Notre Dame hoodie, Isotoners, & a roadside repair kit full of pennies.

To which New York replies... (make sure you turn up the volume for full effect!)

Fireworks Exploding! Snow Around You Blowing! Half-Naked Dancing Girls! Live Camels & Assorted Livestock! If you really love Christmas, then step up your production values, assholes.


Nothing says 'I Love the Season of Giving' more than stringing up the 'ol holiday lights. Growing up in Ohio, I used to just love to troll about my Rust Belt Village, and take in lighting displays such as...

How depressingly magical, yes?! Yes. Well, New York's Time Warner Center, never to be outdone, heeds the chaaaaaalleeeeeennnge!

...and answers back with (12) huge fecking stars to create a multi-million dollar, choreographed display featuring lights & the sounds of the season, and complimented with the Buying Expensive Gifts for Your Friends & Family Will Make Up for the Fact Your Emotionally Inaccessible Gift Wrapping Station! Wowsa, that's Christmas to me!


First off, how cute is this picture? I just want to give them all a big hug & then go knock over a 7-11. Ahhh, kids. Adorable as they are, they illustrate an important point. Each year the war begins to put the Christ back in CHRISTmas. New Yorkers have generally adopted the blanket, "Happy Holidays" greeting, much to the chagrin of religious folk. Why do we do it? 'Cause we hate religion? No! We do it because we're lazy AND elitist! Yaaaay!

New York is a delightful melting pot representing a variety of religions & cultures who coexist in relative peace. Tailoring your seasonal greeting to each person you meet requires "the asking of questions" and "the pretending you actually give a shit about the religious practices of someone other than yourself". Snoozefest. Say "Happy Holidays" and you've got yourself covered. So you see, that's why we do it. ...that, and we know it pisses off Middle America, and we think that's funny.

Well, I hope this little side-by-side comparison has filled you with both holiday cheer & feelings of inadequacy. Yes, I think my work here is done. Happy Holidays!

1 comment:

Ryan said...

Nicely done, my friend.


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