Sunday, December 16, 2007

2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

Whizbang! With the Christmas season is upon us, I can't help but ask the really important question.... What are all those celebrities up to, hmm?

This week I really wanted to share exciting tales of how my fancy, celebrity New York friends spend their holidays. However, as I scanned through the contacts in my phone, I realized I didn't "know" any celebrities. In fact, the only numbers I had were for assorted theatre trash, whores & places that sell pie.

Upon this disappointing realization, I thought to myself, "who needs real celebrities, when there is a city out there full of people who look like celebrities!" And with this, I proudly announce, back by popular demand:

The 2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

To all of you out there who have no idea what the feck I'm talking about, last year I took the streets 'round these holiday times to take pictures of tourists taking pictures. Well, this year GWGG is back out hitting the pavement -this time my goal was to clandestinely-ish get my picture taken with tourists who look like celebrities doing holiday things -just like US!!!

Let's see what tourists-who-kinda-look-like-celebrities were up to this Sunday, shall we?

They Go Window Shopping with Their Wives

WILFORD BRIMLEY was spotted window shopping at the "Stinky Bits Parfumarie" on 48th & Broadway with his wife, Lynne. As we strolled up to Mr. Brimley to take this picture, I overheard him comment to his wife, "'tasty way to do it' my ass, these Quaker Oats are tearin' up my colon." He then used his tongue to snag a French fry caught in his mustache.

They Get Hammered Alone in Hotel Bars Wearing Silly Hats

Guess who was seen getting smaaaaaashed in the Marriott Marquis lobby bar, kids? Designing Women's own DELTA BURKE, that's who! Delta was spotted in the Broadway Lounge, tip to toe in designer attire. From her sparkley KMart Santa hat to her pink 'A Taste of New York' sweatshirt, she looked radiant as she peered over a glass pyramid she had created using (10) drained martini glasses. Ever the gracious belle, she even offered to take me up to her room to show me her "holiday trimmings."

They Eat Elves Take in the 75th Annual Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

The camera-shy, yet irrepressible SALLY STRUTHERS was caught (gasp) standing in line outside New York's famed Radio City Music Hall. Ever crazy-eyed, Struthers confided to Gumption as she pulled chicken wings from her pocket, "I come here every year. It's sort of a tradition. My favorite part is the little person elves. They are just sooo cute. I want to just take a few of them home with me. ...and keep them in my basement and feed them table scraps and make them put lotion on, you know, like Silence of the Lambs, and then when time is right, harvest their skin to make a magical elf coat. That's how much I love this show." She was immediately wrestled to the ground by Music Hall security and nearby traffic cops.

They Take Dumps in Public Toliets & Then Pose For Holiday Photos in the Charmin Toliet Thingy

"I'VE GOTTA DROP A DEUCE!" proclaimed a distressed BILL GATES Sunday in Charmin's Times Square Pop-Up Restrooms. After relieving himself Mr. Gates confided, "having more money than God is a blessing and a curse. Blessing: I can build an apartment made entirely of glass. Curse: Toilets shouldn't be made of glass. [cringe] That's why I love this place. I gotta tell ya, these restrooms are real nice. They clean them after every use and that TP is like a pillow for my bum-bum." Following this exchange, he had his Christmas card picture taken with a virtual UN of adopted children on a plastic sofa next to me.

They Eat Hot Dogs From Unsanitary Carts

After a long day of Christmas shopping, LYNDA CARTER was spotted outside Legally Blonde, enjoying a hot dog. Still "Super" after all these years,
Lynda was quick to charm when we stumbled into her in Midtown. "Oh, I love "hotdogging" around New York this time of year. I "relish" every second I get to spend here. While this Nor'easter makes it difficult to keep my "buns" toasted, being in the city is an excellent opportunity to "ketchup" with old friends.

I may have thrown up all over her white coat.

Jeepers! (Tourists-who-look-like) Celebrities really are like you and me! Validate your sad little existence? Thought so.

But wait, there's more!

Who Wore It Better???
As I was out & about collecting pictures with the rich & famous, who did I run into? None other than Senate Minority Leader / closeted homosexual Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and he was wearing my coat. Celebrities = everyday people. Who knew? But here's the real question. Who wore it better?

Simply click on the YES or NO below relating to the the following question, "Did Patrick Wear the Coat Better Than Sen. McConnell?" One click you get to see democrazy in action. We may never know why only 37% of 18-24 year olds voted in the 2004 presidential election, but boy-o you get instant answers to the important questions here. Yay America!

Well, that was fun. It looks like Christmas came early this year. Tune in next week where we'll discuss how Jessica Alba's highlights will impact the naming of her unborn baby. As always, don't sue me tourists. See you next year. Ciao!

EDITORIAL NOTE: The hard-hitting work illustrated above could never have been captured without the assistance of Salli, Katharine & the entire CrapOle family. Their commitment to excellence in finding tourists who sorta look like famous people if you squint real hard is a true inspiration to people everywhere.

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