Sunday, December 30, 2007

See You Next Year

Well kids, 2008 is nearly upon us. It is safe to say that since we last chatted about the burgeoning pen pal-manship between Dominic Carter and myself, I have been busy wearing my holiday lady sweater and consuming copious amounts of New Castle's Nutty Brown Deliciousness. As a result, I am going to take this week to sober up reflect on 2007: celebrate the fact that I didn't end up going to prison and give all those cougars a jingle to see if they would like enjoy some "brunch" (even I don't know what that means). So have an incredible New Year. And remember, wear your sexy underpants tomorrow. You just never know....


GWGG Holiday Wishes:

Happy resolvin' ya punk asses!


Sunday, December 23, 2007

A Christmas Miracle

Much like George Bailey himself, I thought it was going to be a pretty rough Christmas this year.

First off, last Saturday I went to my friend Dan & his wife Erica's anniversary party to celebrate their first year together, and to thank me for attending they poisoned me (and 8 other guests) with food. I spent the next few days puking, pooing and eating toast. All of which sucked.

Next, I went to see Sweeney Todd and had to stab an old guy for talking loudly to his ugly wife during the film. "I didn't pay $10 to hear your shit commentary you 'oul feck." [shank]

Finally, this morning when I went to eat my Honey Bunches of Oats, we were out of soy milk. And I haaaaaate it when we're out of soy milk for my Honey Bunches of Oats! I began an uncontrollable tantrum. Christmas looked pretty bleak.

Then, I went to my Blogger Dashboard to salvage some sort of holiday cheer in the form of staggeringly high page views, only to find that I had a new comment ...from Dominic Carter!

I little while back, you may recall, I confessed that I utilize my downtime to write fan mail to NY1's Inside City Hall host, Dominic Carter. (If you don't recall, click here and you can do all the recallin' you need to do.) In this posting, I lamented that despite my thoughtful kudos, I had not received any word back from Mr. Carter and had all but given up hope -until today! A Christmas Miracle!

Hello Patrick:

This is Dominic Carter from NY1.

I am so sorry, you haven't received a response from me, but upon a google search, this is the first I have seen of your letter to me. Somebody, (a staffmember) is not doing a good job of getting my mail to me. (smile)

Happy Holidays, and thanks for watching Inside City Hall, and showing interest in my book, "No Momma's Boy."

Take Care"

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus, and thy name is Dominic Carter. While I may not have mentioned his new book "No Momma's Boy" in my earlier correspondence, my ongoing quest to blatantly ignore my family's holiday gift list requests means they're all getting copies of the book. So well played, Mr. Carter. Well played, indeed.

That's my Christmas Miracle. My hope for you is that you find your own. I wish you, your family, your (29) disease-ridden cats, your blow-up doll, Margo, or whatever you hold near and dear to your, uh, heart the best of the season.

EDITORIAL NOTE: I am pretty sure the comment is real. Which makes me smile, because I genuinely think Inside City Hall is the shit. To check it out for yourself, go here.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

Whizbang! With the Christmas season is upon us, I can't help but ask the really important question.... What are all those celebrities up to, hmm?

This week I really wanted to share exciting tales of how my fancy, celebrity New York friends spend their holidays. However, as I scanned through the contacts in my phone, I realized I didn't "know" any celebrities. In fact, the only numbers I had were for assorted theatre trash, whores & places that sell pie.

Upon this disappointing realization, I thought to myself, "who needs real celebrities, when there is a city out there full of people who look like celebrities!" And with this, I proudly announce, back by popular demand:

The 2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

To all of you out there who have no idea what the feck I'm talking about, last year I took the streets 'round these holiday times to take pictures of tourists taking pictures. Well, this year GWGG is back out hitting the pavement -this time my goal was to clandestinely-ish get my picture taken with tourists who look like celebrities doing holiday things -just like US!!!

Let's see what tourists-who-kinda-look-like-celebrities were up to this Sunday, shall we?

They Go Window Shopping with Their Wives

WILFORD BRIMLEY was spotted window shopping at the "Stinky Bits Parfumarie" on 48th & Broadway with his wife, Lynne. As we strolled up to Mr. Brimley to take this picture, I overheard him comment to his wife, "'tasty way to do it' my ass, these Quaker Oats are tearin' up my colon." He then used his tongue to snag a French fry caught in his mustache.

They Get Hammered Alone in Hotel Bars Wearing Silly Hats

Guess who was seen getting smaaaaaashed in the Marriott Marquis lobby bar, kids? Designing Women's own DELTA BURKE, that's who! Delta was spotted in the Broadway Lounge, tip to toe in designer attire. From her sparkley KMart Santa hat to her pink 'A Taste of New York' sweatshirt, she looked radiant as she peered over a glass pyramid she had created using (10) drained martini glasses. Ever the gracious belle, she even offered to take me up to her room to show me her "holiday trimmings."

They Eat Elves Take in the 75th Annual Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

The camera-shy, yet irrepressible SALLY STRUTHERS was caught (gasp) standing in line outside New York's famed Radio City Music Hall. Ever crazy-eyed, Struthers confided to Gumption as she pulled chicken wings from her pocket, "I come here every year. It's sort of a tradition. My favorite part is the little person elves. They are just sooo cute. I want to just take a few of them home with me. ...and keep them in my basement and feed them table scraps and make them put lotion on, you know, like Silence of the Lambs, and then when time is right, harvest their skin to make a magical elf coat. That's how much I love this show." She was immediately wrestled to the ground by Music Hall security and nearby traffic cops.

They Take Dumps in Public Toliets & Then Pose For Holiday Photos in the Charmin Toliet Thingy

"I'VE GOTTA DROP A DEUCE!" proclaimed a distressed BILL GATES Sunday in Charmin's Times Square Pop-Up Restrooms. After relieving himself Mr. Gates confided, "having more money than God is a blessing and a curse. Blessing: I can build an apartment made entirely of glass. Curse: Toilets shouldn't be made of glass. [cringe] That's why I love this place. I gotta tell ya, these restrooms are real nice. They clean them after every use and that TP is like a pillow for my bum-bum." Following this exchange, he had his Christmas card picture taken with a virtual UN of adopted children on a plastic sofa next to me.

They Eat Hot Dogs From Unsanitary Carts

After a long day of Christmas shopping, LYNDA CARTER was spotted outside Legally Blonde, enjoying a hot dog. Still "Super" after all these years,
Lynda was quick to charm when we stumbled into her in Midtown. "Oh, I love "hotdogging" around New York this time of year. I "relish" every second I get to spend here. While this Nor'easter makes it difficult to keep my "buns" toasted, being in the city is an excellent opportunity to "ketchup" with old friends.

I may have thrown up all over her white coat.

Jeepers! (Tourists-who-look-like) Celebrities really are like you and me! Validate your sad little existence? Thought so.

But wait, there's more!

Who Wore It Better???
As I was out & about collecting pictures with the rich & famous, who did I run into? None other than Senate Minority Leader / closeted homosexual Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and he was wearing my coat. Celebrities = everyday people. Who knew? But here's the real question. Who wore it better?

Simply click on the YES or NO below relating to the the following question, "Did Patrick Wear the Coat Better Than Sen. McConnell?" One click you get to see democrazy in action. We may never know why only 37% of 18-24 year olds voted in the 2004 presidential election, but boy-o you get instant answers to the important questions here. Yay America!

Well, that was fun. It looks like Christmas came early this year. Tune in next week where we'll discuss how Jessica Alba's highlights will impact the naming of her unborn baby. As always, don't sue me tourists. See you next year. Ciao!

EDITORIAL NOTE: The hard-hitting work illustrated above could never have been captured without the assistance of Salli, Katharine & the entire CrapOle family. Their commitment to excellence in finding tourists who sorta look like famous people if you squint real hard is a true inspiration to people everywhere.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Dept. of The YouTubes - India is Sexy, Sexy

Knowledge is power. ...and I LOVE POWER!!! Mwaaahh hahahahahaha!

It is my unbridled desire for POWER that served as the impetus for my wildly successful Where in the World??? series, where I alphabetically teach myself about the countries of the world. Recently, I wrapped up Iceland where I learned that the adorable puffin is commonly used to make a scrumptious quiche. Delish!

Now an Iceland expert, it's time for India!

I like India. Their flag kinda looks like the Irish flag -except with a trippy blue wheel on it, so, ummm, that's neat. As I studied the fair land, I learned that their chief exports are jewellery, engineering goods and the magic of the performing arts.

Given my love for the performing arts & desire to provide you with the best in quality Indian music & dance, I spent the entire week scouring the YouTubes to bring you (2) of the finest pieces of art ever created.

Benny Lava [YouTube]

"Some day I'll sell DNA." You won't find those lyrics in "Gimme More," will ya? Nope.

Oh, I gotta tell you, that video got me a little hot. Especially, during the "I'd like to swim in it, I'd like to swim in it" bit. What with those no-so-foxy dancers & their matching pastels. It was all just so naughty. I had this overwhelming urge to have a lot of sex with numerous anonymous strangers!

Luckily, the India Department of Exports has a very popular PSA video that combines the magic of dance with a message of personal responsibility. Enjoy.

Condom Song [YouTube]

Best part of that clip? The (4) frames of random gay sex. Just like a Disney film.

Alright... Alright! I lied! There is no Where in the World??? series. I just really wanted an excuse to share those videos. I'm sorry. I couldn't continue the facade any further. All the same, I know you'll forgive me. Why? Because I think we can all agree that a life without having seen a dancing Indian condom, is a life half lived.


Just a reminder, Helen & I are participating in the 19th Annual New York Cares Coat Drive. If you have a new or gently used coat, please donate it at one of the locations listed here through the entire month of December. Or, shoot us an e-mail at we'll make arrangements to pick 'em up. That was easy.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Worst Christmas In New York... still better than the best Christmas where ever the hell you live! Zing! Seasons Greetings!

This weekend my lil' sis, Lise (pictured), was visiting as part of the annual Garrigan Holiday Summit. Essentially, the summit is a delightful period where the Garrigan cousins get hammered & attempt to hold conversations with the elder members of the clan to decidedly mixed results.

As Lise, her boyfriend, John & I toured the city, taking in the seasonal highlights & the city's first snow, I was overcome by what can only be described as joy. This joy moved me to do great, thoughtful things such as telling a stranger that she was standing on a used condom and holding the door for an ugly person -both of which I would normally never do.

The more I was filled with joy, the more I realized that I'm probably better than you - if you don't live in New York, that is. Listen, don't get all pissy. I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

The city does a lot of things really, really well. You know, like, making pot accessible (I've heard), minimizing interpersonal contact & controlling the poor. But it doesn't do anything better than it does Christmas! Here, let me prove it!


Each year, across the country in crappy towns much like your own, millions of Christmas enthusiasts stage live nativities. As shown here, this ghetto cresh has been judged and found wanting: wise(wo)man 1 ate Baby Jesus, wiseman 2 comes baring the gift of a 40, and wiseman 3 greets the Heavenly King donning a Notre Dame hoodie, Isotoners, & a roadside repair kit full of pennies.

To which New York replies... (make sure you turn up the volume for full effect!)

Fireworks Exploding! Snow Around You Blowing! Half-Naked Dancing Girls! Live Camels & Assorted Livestock! If you really love Christmas, then step up your production values, assholes.


Nothing says 'I Love the Season of Giving' more than stringing up the 'ol holiday lights. Growing up in Ohio, I used to just love to troll about my Rust Belt Village, and take in lighting displays such as...

How depressingly magical, yes?! Yes. Well, New York's Time Warner Center, never to be outdone, heeds the chaaaaaalleeeeeennnge!

...and answers back with (12) huge fecking stars to create a multi-million dollar, choreographed display featuring lights & the sounds of the season, and complimented with the Buying Expensive Gifts for Your Friends & Family Will Make Up for the Fact Your Emotionally Inaccessible Gift Wrapping Station! Wowsa, that's Christmas to me!


First off, how cute is this picture? I just want to give them all a big hug & then go knock over a 7-11. Ahhh, kids. Adorable as they are, they illustrate an important point. Each year the war begins to put the Christ back in CHRISTmas. New Yorkers have generally adopted the blanket, "Happy Holidays" greeting, much to the chagrin of religious folk. Why do we do it? 'Cause we hate religion? No! We do it because we're lazy AND elitist! Yaaaay!

New York is a delightful melting pot representing a variety of religions & cultures who coexist in relative peace. Tailoring your seasonal greeting to each person you meet requires "the asking of questions" and "the pretending you actually give a shit about the religious practices of someone other than yourself". Snoozefest. Say "Happy Holidays" and you've got yourself covered. So you see, that's why we do it. ...that, and we know it pisses off Middle America, and we think that's funny.

Well, I hope this little side-by-side comparison has filled you with both holiday cheer & feelings of inadequacy. Yes, I think my work here is done. Happy Holidays!


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