Sunday, November 25, 2007

Department of Cop Outs: Thankful

Woo, Daddy wiped from the ol' holiday weekend, so we're gonna have to keep this snappy.

As soon as I stepped on New York soil, fresh off yet another repugnant bus trip in from Boston, I immediately began self-medicating and now find myself drunk on power & a magnum Yellow Tail shiraz-cabernet. In my current stupor, I've decided to spew a holiday cop out posting of things that I'm thankful for:
  • That I am cut like a diamond.
  • A near universal appreciation of the musical, Newsies.
  • My friends at Wonkette's outstanding coverage of Cocktober.
  • The North won the War of Northern Aggression. What with it bein' all titular and stuff.
  • My crazy ass family, who reminds you: "It ain't dinner unless someone leaves the table in tears."
  • Another Thanksgiving, another opportunity to watch Scrooged.
  • Most importantly, I'm thankful for you -especially when we spoon.
Ah yes, thankfulness & (16) empty cans of Natty Ice surround me as I wrap up this holiday weekend. So much so I've decided to warm the cockles of my icy, barely beating heart to give to others.

Once again, I'm participating in the 19th Annual New York Cares Coat Drive. If you have a new or gently used coat, please donate it at one of the locations listed here through the entire month of December. Or... if your stuffy, pashmina-wearing ass can't make it to a delivery location, shoot me an e-mail at and I will be happy to (send my army of minions) pick them up from you! Zoinks! I'm helpful.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Hollerrrrr Wordzzzz!!! LOLZ!!!

Why, hello! I didn't see you there. I'm glad you're here, I've got something to share with you.

As an active student of the linguistic process, I recently stumbled upon Now, I don't know if you have ever visited this site on the internets, but it is a splendid land where the urban and/or slang verbiage is explained to cracker-ass honkys like myself.

One fine afternoon, my search began as I was trying to discover what "spitting game" meant. I found the following:

Spit Game

To use charm, wit, humor, or other means to verbally let a female know that you are interested in her.

Often includes compliments and other forms of flattery that will hopefully end in a phone number which leads to a date, which leads to hot sex.

Hot sex!!!?? Holy banana bread, sign me up!!!But the lesson doesn't end there. They then go on to use the phrase in context. I mean how else are we going to learn, right? Exactly how does one go about spitting game?
Guy: "Hello miss, my name is _____, very nice to meet you. How you doing tonight?"
Girl: "I'm _____. Good thanks."
Guy: (out loud) "You're looking very beautiful if I may say so"
Guy: (to himself) 'Man I wanna fuck this chick! She got some big tittays!'
Girl: "Awww...thanks"
Jeepers! That was helpful! But what are these tittays of which they speak?


Nice tits, perfect shape with perfect cleavage
Normally said about a girl that is good looking and has the whole package
Can also be used in place of female when talking about the future

"Katie has some nice ass Tittays"
"I'm gonna get me some Tittays tonight"

"Tittays, I see some nice ass TITTAYS"
Mmmm, I like tittays. Thanks UrbanDictionary! But wait, there's more! Just when you thought you were "hip to the jive;" you think you've learned all the super-savvy urban chatter? Pa-shaw! You've just begun, chap!

Hit the random button in the upper left hand header and you have just signaled on to the Autobahn of the slang super highway! Beep! Beep! What pit stops might you find in your travels?
FUF - Fat Ugly Friend; one usually has a FUF to make them feel better about themselves.
manarrhea - diarrhea from a man's butt.
and my personal favorite...
MySpace - A place for whores. Initially intended as an online system of staying in touch or re-connecting with old friends, My Space has grown into a compendium of 18 year old Southern California Paris Hilton worshipping attention starved idiots and asexual boys in women's jeans with more product than a salon. Lately, the circus has grown to include lots of half naked flexing bros with bad tribal tattoos and horrible pick up lines, as well as a large influx of internet-ebonics speaking idiots who cannot seem to properly use a keyboard without accidentally hitting the CAPSLOCK button or number keys in their sentences.
I FEEL SO MUCH SMARTZ!! Isn't the interweb a magical place?! You know they're so right, knowledge is power. Bless you Al Gore & your fantastical world of information through the air & telephone cables! Long live the WWW

Monday, November 12, 2007



In case you haven't heard, the Broadway stagehands union, Local One, struck this week causing the lights to go out on some (27) Broadway theatres -much to the disappointment of overweight tourists & their equally fat / stupid kids.

When Local One was asked to comment on their reason for striking, the union issued the following statement:

While their message made no fucking sense was not entirely clear, their infectious dancing & a charismatic Christian Bale, swayed many onlookers to their cause.

Day 2 was a far more somber occasion as the organization tended to their picket lines for yet another day. However, on this day the picketers were joined by the hot new pop group, Kids 'n Cans.

Unions throughout the city have stepped up to provide support and encouragement. None quite so vigorously as that of the Actors Equity Association, the union of professional actors & stage managers. Equity member Bill Pullman, has been particularly vocal in his support for the strike. In fact, his efforts have made him quite the favorite among striking hands.

When will it end? No one knows for sure and currently no future talks are slated. What we can be sure of is that it will end with a large production number. Insiders speculate that the strike will most probably culminate with Michael Bloomberg driving through Times Square in a handsome carriage dressed as Teddy Roosevelt. However, at the time of this posting these reports have not been confirmed.

Um, if you have never seen Newsies, none of this shit will make any sense to you. And for that, I'm moderately sorry-ish. Reporting live from Midtown, I'm Shazia Khan.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Me No Smart No More

I am stupider. I can feel it. My brain does not work well. As well. At all. Me dumber with flashing photo story box. I think of time me make read of letters grouped & make brain picture. Sometimes on interwebzz screen sometimes on thin cut up treez. I talk letter groups to people about events on globe. All that gone. Where it go?

Lucidity briefly falls and I remember a different time. A time before I got cable....

Yes, folks there was a period when all I needed was The Peacock, The Eye & Whatever the Fuck ABC's Symbol Is. It was a simpler time: a time when I just got my new couch; a time when I curled up with my current lady friend; a time when I was black.

All that is gone. Two weeks ago, my roomate, Joey, went behind my back and got cable without my permission. Oh, how I protested that he would bring such a perversion of taste into my home and proclaimed that I would not pay for it. That lasted (2.5) hours.

I am now an eager consumer of mind-numbing TV bile. ...and the lucidity fades....

Girls. Too much face paint. Titties go jiggle joggle. Make happy dance. (4) hours go bye-bye. Nothing to show for evening.

Bigger loser than me in high school. Want make be something stupid. Washed up coach make loud noise at them. Loser cry. Big show. Loser still loser, but now loser learn imperceivable life lesson. Coach cash check.

Patrick do attempt good be smarter more. Watch news TV. Sanjaya Gooupta = snoozefestMD. Patrick discoverz his Planet in Parrell. Pretty upset about Parrell thing. Much misses Judy Woodruff. Judy, PBS? Really? CNN better (2) yearzz a-go.

As clarity washes over me once more I can tell I'm in a bad way. How I long for rabbit ears.

Um, yeah. I worked the New York Marathon today, so I've been up since 2:30am. I have no idea what I have just written. It's probably total shite. Luckily, my readers have exceptionally low standards & are just glad they got another post that includes the word titties. Titties. You're welcome.


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