Sunday, October 21, 2007

paTrick or Treat: A Halloween Retrospective

Yes friends, it is time for my favorite holiday!!! (right after National Patrick Garrigan Appreciation Week, Christmas & Take Your Daughter to Work Day) HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween. I really do. It is the one time of year where it is socially acceptable for dogs to dress as Oompa Loompas, girls can can get all whorey costuming themselves as "Slutty [Insert Noun Here - ie. Cats, Plumbers, Trees, etc.]," and I am able to bring my Commitment to Excellence© to the arena of spooktacular holiday attire. Oh, me....

Every year it's always the same, "what are you going as this year, Patrick!? Huh? Huh? Huh?" To which I reply, "leave me alone, Grandma."

Why is my public so inquisitive? Well, I would never brag, but I have an excellent reputation for remarkable Halloween costumes.

October 31st, 1981

My parents are evil, hateful people. Never was this fact more fully exemplified than by their choice to dress me as a CLOWN for my first Halloween. This was an important turning point in my life. This was the day that I realized that I hated clowns.

Just look at me writhing in discomfort over this atrocious perversion of the natural order. It's either the discomfort thing or I shat myself. Whatever the reason, I resolved that day that as soon as I learned how to write, I would begin producing anti-clown propaganda.

October 31st, 1984

At the spritely, young age of 5, I created this incredible costume using resources from around the neighborhood. The mask was created using a painted dust pan, the cape was procured from Uncle "Lingering Hug" Leroy's drag show costuming & Darth's breathing apparatus came from Old Man Claypool's respirator. Oh sure, Old Man Claypool may have died that night from "lack of oxygen," but I like to think that as he looked down from Heaven, he had to agree that it was a pretty bitchin' costume.

October 31st, 1989

In the fall of 1989, when I announced that I would be producing a (4) person dragon costume, there was an overwhelming degree of interest (natch). After exhaustive auditions & a lot of soul searching I cast local favorite, Philip Andrews as "The Dragon Head," my sister, Lisa as "Mid-Section #1," my brother, Brian as "Mid-Section #2" and myself in the pivotal role of "Dragon Ass." For years after this Halloween, people commented that my authentic tail animation added real credibility to the costume. I would have to agree.

October 31st, 1995

This Halloween, Marion, Ohio was overtaken by Phantom of the Opera-Mania! But who wasn't really? Am I right or am I right or am I right? For weeks, I worked steadfastly to tailor the perfect Phantom costume which I would use to impress guests stopping by the Garrigan Abode in search of candies.

The night of Halloween, while opening an industrial-strength can of Kool Aid, I sliced the top of my finger open on the lid's sharp edge & was rushed to the Emergency Room to save the finger. By the time I got back to the Abode, the only people left to see the fruit of my labors were genuinely ugly people or persons dressed as hobos -which I think we can all agree is a decidedly shit costume.

Disenfranchised, I decided Halloween & I needed some space. Only to come roaring back in 2005...

October 31st, 2005

Gastric bypass surgery is a really good idea. This All Hallow's Eve, I decided to reach out to the sumo wrestling community "at large" by showing them the benefits of the procedure. Oh sure, I may have missed out on some incredible parties that night, but if I can get just one 300 pound, diaper wearing Asian to staple their stomach, then it makes it all worthwhile.

October 31, 2006

Long time GWGG readers may recall that last year, by popular vote, I went out for Halloween as Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Initially, I thought this costume sucked because it involved handing out a lot of pamphlets & coaxing tourists back to my apartment. But in the end it turned out incredible! Evidently, Tom Cruise found out about my costume and sent me a check for $5,000,000 to open a school for blind, dyslexic kids which I cashed and spent on Cinnabons & booze.

So what will Halloween 2007's costume be? I don't know. I like to let the costume choose me. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to send them to: and I'll be happy to take them under consideration. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put razor blades in apples!

Happy Halloween!

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