Sunday, October 07, 2007

Blogging is FUNdamental (BIF)


"What is your blog address again?"

"Oh, how sweet of you to ask! It is simply, http://greatness-with-gumption.please-pay-attention-to-me.blogspot.com"

"Remarkable. How ever do you do you create a blog week after week?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked...."


Oh man, if I had a quarter for every time I had this conversation, I might actually be able to do my laundry. But seriously folks....my clothes are really dirty.

If there's one thing I've learned from my year(s) blogging, it's that there're a lot people out there with blogging greatness inside just waiting to burst out. Maybe even you! Yes, you!

Are you a pathetic recluse? Lactose intolerant? Do people find your personality repugnant? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a perfect candidate to become a blogger!

I know what you're thinking, 'how do I unleash the self-serving, ego-maniacal, bloggin' beast I know I have brewing within in me?' It's EASY!

PATRICK GARRIGAN'S
Blogging is FUNdamental (BIF)


Using my kid-tested, mother-approved methods you will be blogging your way to greatness in no time! Ready? OK! Let's begin.

STEP ONE: FINDING YOUR VOICE
Having trouble finding the confidence to write your blog? Not a problem with my patented Drink Till You're Clever
© technique. How does it work? It's simple!

Go to your nearest watering hole & ask for a cocktail. Drink it. Do you feel clever? No? Have another! Repeat until you've defecated in a corner! Then get ta writin'! You'll be blogtastic!


STEP TWO: EVERYTHING YOU DO IS INTERESTING
So often amateur bloggers feel like they have to come up with something exciting like going rafting or bungee jumping to make for an interesting post. Not true! Things you do everyday make for exceptional blog fodder.

For instance... "on Friday, I made love with a beautiful zebra, ironically named, Chastity. Ours was a forbidden love which only served to fan the flames of passion between us. We were physically & emotionally intertwined -until the ASPCA tazed me."

You see? You really just have to speak from your own experience.

STEP THREE: SEX SELLS
Sex sells. It's not profound, but it's true. Why do people go to bowling alleys? Tractor pulls? My basement? To see sexy ladies, that's why.

Make damn sure your blog has plenty of suggestive pictures featuring foxy femmes like this one. Dames seductively taking long, intoxicating drags off their Marlboro Reds, teasing the viewer with heaving bosoms accentuated by whimsical, puffy-paint, butterflies fluttering around an erotic pasture, -all the while, large bug-eyed baby blues beckoning you, the reader, to come hither, challenging you to enter into a seductive kiss, that would no doubt cause you to brush against a mustache that far exceeds anything you could ever grow.

You put up those pictures, then boy, HOT DAMN you just might have yourself the makings of an excellent blog right there.

Or you may just have a shitty run-on sentence with a lot of adjectives. It really could go either way.

STEP FOUR: ADVERTISE, ADVERTISE, ADVERTISE
Last step, if you have followed my instructions precisely then you have found your voice, embraced your content & have more sex appeal than you can shake a restraining order at. Time to get the word out. Advertise.

There are lots of great methods to get the word out about your blog. E-mail blasts, MySpace bulletins, and plain 'ol fashion word of mouth are tools you can use. If you're lame.

Me, I rent the Reuters sign smack dab in the middle of Times Square. From this highly-visible vantage point I blow air kisses & and make 6-shooter gestures with my fingers at tourists and assorted passerbys. Maybe not the best use of $50k, but hey, I think outside the box, maaaaaan.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You've officially graduated from BIF! Now all that can keep you from success is your inherent lack of skillzzzzzz! Hurray!

-----

Presidential Pandemonium
Have you caught the Presidential fever?! I know I have and I hope I never find the cure! Zing!

This week was supa cool! Check out everyone's favorite Tennessee - Senatorizin' - Red - Truck - Drivin' - Law&Order - Portrayin' - Watergate - Investigatin' - Straight - Shootin' Presidential Candidate, Fred Thompson. Watch him as he sizzles on the campaign trail.



That's right. "Can I have a round of applause?"
Even I'm not that big of an asshole. Well done, Fred. Well done.

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