Sunday, October 28, 2007

If You Only See One Skit...

I live an active lifestyle. Luckily, I take a multivitamin.

Given that fall is the official favorite season of Patrick Garrigan, my evenings have been chock full of exciting activities/projects. Why just this week I opened the World Premiere of my new feel good musical, Tsunami 2: Back in the Habit-A Wave of Musical Delight, had my Halloween costume renderings put on display at the MoMA (at left), and single handedly stomped out the obesity epidemic. Go me.

Despite my jetset lifestyle, I like to pencil in what I call "Patrick Time" wherein I set aside a specific block of time to enjoy some of the culture that the 'ol city has to offer.

This week's "Patrick Time" took me to Union Square where I was accosted by a dirty hippie who asked me if he could borrow my credit card for an hour. Following this "cute" little exchange, I entered the Daryl Roth Theatre where I enjoyed a new show called Fuerzabruta. What's Fuerzabruta, you ask? Well, Helen had the guys in the AV Dept. pull together a little video for you. Roll tape.



Sexy, sexy. I'm going to lay it plain: I whole heartedly endorse this show as the best thing I have ever seen. Seriously. Now, normally for such an honorable mention I ask my standard $50k & bathtub full of Jujyfruits. However, unlike my first wife, this endorsement comes with no strings attached. I am just so grateful for a show to come along that hits nearly every mark on the Patrick Garrigan Exceptional Culture Checklist.

Patrick Garrigan Exceptional Culture Checklist

  1. Titties. -Check
  2. Eurotrash techno music played at all times. -Check
  3. Elderly audience members humorously hit in the head with large pieces of flying debris. -Check
  4. Show culminates with delectable surf 'n turf dining experience. -No
  5. Show utilizes out of work airport ground crew as stagehands -Check
  6. Someone in show wears George Washington wig. -Check
  7. Show makes me all sweaty in my "no-no" places. -Check
  8. 85% of set constructed out of dynamic combination of aluminum foil & love. -Check
  9. Performers get all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on my ass. -Check
  10. One lucky audience member wins a pony. -No
Pretty impressive showing there, Fuerzabruta. But seriously folks, go see this fecking show. Get your nerve up to ask Sue (or ladies, that dreamy Tom) from Accounts Payable if s/he'd like to join you for an evening they'll never forget. Then creepily begin licking your lips. You'll be glad you did!

---
Halloween Update
What did I dress up as for Halloween?
A Leprechaun. ...and yes ladies Daddy was magically delicious.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

paTrick or Treat: A Halloween Retrospective

Yes friends, it is time for my favorite holiday!!! (right after National Patrick Garrigan Appreciation Week, Christmas & Take Your Daughter to Work Day) HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween. I really do. It is the one time of year where it is socially acceptable for dogs to dress as Oompa Loompas, girls can can get all whorey costuming themselves as "Slutty [Insert Noun Here - ie. Cats, Plumbers, Trees, etc.]," and I am able to bring my Commitment to Excellence© to the arena of spooktacular holiday attire. Oh, me....

Every year it's always the same, "what are you going as this year, Patrick!? Huh? Huh? Huh?" To which I reply, "leave me alone, Grandma."

Why is my public so inquisitive? Well, I would never brag, but I have an excellent reputation for remarkable Halloween costumes.

October 31st, 1981


COSTUME: CLOWN
My parents are evil, hateful people. Never was this fact more fully exemplified than by their choice to dress me as a CLOWN for my first Halloween. This was an important turning point in my life. This was the day that I realized that I hated clowns.

Just look at me writhing in discomfort over this atrocious perversion of the natural order. It's either the discomfort thing or I shat myself. Whatever the reason, I resolved that day that as soon as I learned how to write, I would begin producing anti-clown propaganda.

October 31st, 1984


COSTUME: DARTH VADER
At the spritely, young age of 5, I created this incredible costume using resources from around the neighborhood. The mask was created using a painted dust pan, the cape was procured from Uncle "Lingering Hug" Leroy's drag show costuming & Darth's breathing apparatus came from Old Man Claypool's respirator. Oh sure, Old Man Claypool may have died that night from "lack of oxygen," but I like to think that as he looked down from Heaven, he had to agree that it was a pretty bitchin' costume.

October 31st, 1989


COSTUME: DRAGON ASS
In the fall of 1989, when I announced that I would be producing a (4) person dragon costume, there was an overwhelming degree of interest (natch). After exhaustive auditions & a lot of soul searching I cast local favorite, Philip Andrews as "The Dragon Head," my sister, Lisa as "Mid-Section #1," my brother, Brian as "Mid-Section #2" and myself in the pivotal role of "Dragon Ass." For years after this Halloween, people commented that my authentic tail animation added real credibility to the costume. I would have to agree.

October 31st, 1995


COSTUME: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
This Halloween, Marion, Ohio was overtaken by Phantom of the Opera-Mania! But who wasn't really? Am I right or am I right or am I right? For weeks, I worked steadfastly to tailor the perfect Phantom costume which I would use to impress guests stopping by the Garrigan Abode in search of candies.

The night of Halloween, while opening an industrial-strength can of Kool Aid, I sliced the top of my finger open on the lid's sharp edge & was rushed to the Emergency Room to save the finger. By the time I got back to the Abode, the only people left to see the fruit of my labors were genuinely ugly people or persons dressed as hobos -which I think we can all agree is a decidedly shit costume.

Disenfranchised, I decided Halloween & I needed some space. Only to come roaring back in 2005...

October 31st, 2005


COSTUME: GASTRIC BYPASS SUMO WRESTLER
Gastric bypass surgery is a really good idea. This All Hallow's Eve, I decided to reach out to the sumo wrestling community "at large" by showing them the benefits of the procedure. Oh sure, I may have missed out on some incredible parties that night, but if I can get just one 300 pound, diaper wearing Asian to staple their stomach, then it makes it all worthwhile.

October 31, 2006


COSTUME: L. RON HUBBARD
Long time GWGG readers may recall that last year, by popular vote, I went out for Halloween as Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Initially, I thought this costume sucked because it involved handing out a lot of pamphlets & coaxing tourists back to my apartment. But in the end it turned out incredible! Evidently, Tom Cruise found out about my costume and sent me a check for $5,000,000 to open a school for blind, dyslexic kids which I cashed and spent on Cinnabons & booze.


So what will Halloween 2007's costume be? I don't know. I like to let the costume choose me. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to send them to: greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com and I'll be happy to take them under consideration. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put razor blades in apples!

Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

*Dream Girl*

The last time I went home to the exclusive, New England Garrigan Compound a strange thing happened as I sat with my parents at cocktail hour(zzzz). My dad leaned across the table, littered with discarded Newcastle (the official beer of Patrick Garrigan) bottles & fine cheeses, fatherly sincerity & ages of wisdom weighting his voice, he asked:

"Patrick, did you fart?"

Given my history with cheeses I confided that I had in fact, "ripped a mean one."

"Patrick, that's gross, but not what I wanted to talk to you about today. You're mother and I have been talking, you're getting older and you have very poor social skills. We're certainly not getting any younger, we feel it's time you started getting serious about finding that special girl & giving us some grandkids."

Then I farted again.

Coming from a theatrical background, all's I know are actresses, and so that is who I've dated. Some of which are pictured at left. (Yes, I am moderately delusional that cool & so pathetic posh as to create a collage of fake ex's). However, after my parents heart to heart, I began to wonder if maybe I needed to redirect my attentions to find a more long-term, foundation-buildable relationship. I vowed to keep my eyes open to other possible mates. Maybe even in other careers.

And then it happened.

I was walking home from my gym, Mid City Gym: The Last Real Gym (and official gym of Patrick Garrigan), and standing outside the Gershwin Theatre was my dream girl.

5'7", curvy, sexily rocking a charcoal gray pantsuit as she stood in front of her fuck-off Suburban, hand on her hip cradling a REALLY BIG GUN! It was love at first sight. My dream girl?


A Female Secret Service Agent!! (artist rendering)

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, "THAT'S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD." ....or something to that effect. Your skepticism is predictable & understandable. Which is why I have compiled the following reasons why a female Secret Service agent might just be the person to take on the mantle of the coveted Mrs. Garrigan title. Read on, I think you'll agree:

  • Handcuffs. Meow....
  • At long last I can get that motorcade I've always wanted.
  • Seriously? Is there anything hotter than a girl with a gun? Seriously.
  • Can use "Protective Detail" excuse to cut to the head of line at Space Mountain.
  • Tight pantsuit + no panty lines = Thong! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Patrick begins his insipid arm pumping gesture, and wont' stop -Helen)
  • Fulfills the "must take bullet for me" requisite in my ideal mate checklist.
  • Through-the-kitchen access to all the best restaurants! Nifty!

Yeah, I think I made my case.

So let search begin. All you foxy GWGG readin' Secret Service agent ladies out there this is your chance! Let those @secretservice.gov emails fly! 'Cause babies, I won't be on the market for long. (Sobbing ensues)

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Blogging is FUNdamental (BIF)


"What is your blog address again?"

"Oh, how sweet of you to ask! It is simply, http://greatness-with-gumption.please-pay-attention-to-me.blogspot.com"

"Remarkable. How ever do you do you create a blog week after week?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked...."


Oh man, if I had a quarter for every time I had this conversation, I might actually be able to do my laundry. But seriously folks....my clothes are really dirty.

If there's one thing I've learned from my year(s) blogging, it's that there're a lot people out there with blogging greatness inside just waiting to burst out. Maybe even you! Yes, you!

Are you a pathetic recluse? Lactose intolerant? Do people find your personality repugnant? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a perfect candidate to become a blogger!

I know what you're thinking, 'how do I unleash the self-serving, ego-maniacal, bloggin' beast I know I have brewing within in me?' It's EASY!

PATRICK GARRIGAN'S
Blogging is FUNdamental (BIF)


Using my kid-tested, mother-approved methods you will be blogging your way to greatness in no time! Ready? OK! Let's begin.

STEP ONE: FINDING YOUR VOICE
Having trouble finding the confidence to write your blog? Not a problem with my patented Drink Till You're Clever
© technique. How does it work? It's simple!

Go to your nearest watering hole & ask for a cocktail. Drink it. Do you feel clever? No? Have another! Repeat until you've defecated in a corner! Then get ta writin'! You'll be blogtastic!


STEP TWO: EVERYTHING YOU DO IS INTERESTING
So often amateur bloggers feel like they have to come up with something exciting like going rafting or bungee jumping to make for an interesting post. Not true! Things you do everyday make for exceptional blog fodder.

For instance... "on Friday, I made love with a beautiful zebra, ironically named, Chastity. Ours was a forbidden love which only served to fan the flames of passion between us. We were physically & emotionally intertwined -until the ASPCA tazed me."

You see? You really just have to speak from your own experience.

STEP THREE: SEX SELLS
Sex sells. It's not profound, but it's true. Why do people go to bowling alleys? Tractor pulls? My basement? To see sexy ladies, that's why.

Make damn sure your blog has plenty of suggestive pictures featuring foxy femmes like this one. Dames seductively taking long, intoxicating drags off their Marlboro Reds, teasing the viewer with heaving bosoms accentuated by whimsical, puffy-paint, butterflies fluttering around an erotic pasture, -all the while, large bug-eyed baby blues beckoning you, the reader, to come hither, challenging you to enter into a seductive kiss, that would no doubt cause you to brush against a mustache that far exceeds anything you could ever grow.

You put up those pictures, then boy, HOT DAMN you just might have yourself the makings of an excellent blog right there.

Or you may just have a shitty run-on sentence with a lot of adjectives. It really could go either way.

STEP FOUR: ADVERTISE, ADVERTISE, ADVERTISE
Last step, if you have followed my instructions precisely then you have found your voice, embraced your content & have more sex appeal than you can shake a restraining order at. Time to get the word out. Advertise.

There are lots of great methods to get the word out about your blog. E-mail blasts, MySpace bulletins, and plain 'ol fashion word of mouth are tools you can use. If you're lame.

Me, I rent the Reuters sign smack dab in the middle of Times Square. From this highly-visible vantage point I blow air kisses & and make 6-shooter gestures with my fingers at tourists and assorted passerbys. Maybe not the best use of $50k, but hey, I think outside the box, maaaaaan.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You've officially graduated from BIF! Now all that can keep you from success is your inherent lack of skillzzzzzz! Hurray!

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Presidential Pandemonium
Have you caught the Presidential fever?! I know I have and I hope I never find the cure! Zing!

This week was supa cool! Check out everyone's favorite Tennessee - Senatorizin' - Red - Truck - Drivin' - Law&Order - Portrayin' - Watergate - Investigatin' - Straight - Shootin' Presidential Candidate, Fred Thompson. Watch him as he sizzles on the campaign trail.



That's right. "Can I have a round of applause?"
Even I'm not that big of an asshole. Well done, Fred. Well done.

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