Sunday, September 30, 2007

War on Terror

Isn't she the sweetest? Jessss she is... zwubby-boobity booo! This is Zoey, my good friend Leslie's new American Eskimo puppy. Isn't she just precious?! And she just loves her new uncle, Pattycakes. Don't you? Jesss you do...

Monday, Leslie was kind enough to let me look after Zoey most of the day while she ran errands. We ate lunch together: me with a peanut butter sammy, her with her own fecal matter, it was a magical connection unlike any other. During that time, I just fell in love with her.

As I looked into her beautiful blue eyes I felt the inherent paternal need to vehemently protect her at all costs. From all enemies, especially clowns.

I know you're thinking, "oh Patrick, not the fecking clowns again. Let it go."

To which I reply, let it go? Have you ever been a 12 year old boy hiding behind a trash barrel at the Festival on the Green pissing your pants as Bippy the Clown created overtly phallic balloon animals for your brother and sister? What's that? No? You haven't? Yeah, well, I have and just the retelling of it caused me to let out a little pee.

Given my history and new-found need to protect Zoey, I have committed to redoubling my efforts in the area of clown counterterrorism. In short, I have created my own War on Terror.

Sure, their big-shoed antics may seem benign, but their actions cripple the psyches of millions of adults every year. You need proof? Meet Kris Eason a coulrophobia victim. Just another casualty in the war on terror.

She's suffered with this her entire life! She can't even 'go circuses'!! Goddamm you, Mr. Giggles!

Did you hear what Giggles said? Clown school! At this "school"they train these evil-doers to be come adept at the most lethal weapon in the clown arsenal- the balloon animal.

This instructional photo was taken directly from a clown school manual. It is supposed to be of a swan. A swan!

All's I see is a drawing of cock 'n balls. What can we infer from this? Well, let me lay it out for you with the following algebraic equation:

If A = clown


B = cock 'n balls balloon animal

Then, A + B = Clowns will molest your children.

That clear enough for you, chump?

As if that wasn't troubling, GWGG operative, Erin, has risked life and limb to provide us (you know, Helen & me) with an actual clown terror training camp video. In it, these clowns are taught to prey on the elderly.

WARNING: This video is graphic in nature. Viewer discretion is advised. Additionally, if your are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant you should not watch this video, unless, of course you have consulted with a doctor and are enjoying a diet rich in fiber -but not too much fiber, because that can lead septic back-ups or other serious complications such as itchiness. Itchiness lasting longer than (3) days may be scabies. Scabies are just plain gross and you should probably wash your stuff a little more frequently in the first place you nasty, nasty ho.

A couple of very serious concerns come up while viewing this video:

  • Targeting the vulnerable - "The elderly really receive you quite well...they're lonely & long for touch."
  • Clear plan for terror - "If they're in need of touch, ya touch them. If they're in need of a smile, you give them a smile. ...if they find out about your plan for world domination, kill them."
  • Non-speaking clowning - as if regular clowning wasn't creepy enough, these vile bastards don't even say anything! Horrifying.
  • Sleeper cells - "Do not stand in a group, many clowns can be intimidating. Two clowns together are really great..."
  • Don't Do It! - They won't even help an octogenarian take a shit. Oh, the humanity!
I would hope that I now have your support in my crusade against these bottom-feeders. "But what can I do?" You ask. Be vigilant. If you see something, say something. Zoey's life might just depend on it.

GWGG gratefully acknowledges the michael alan group for it's technical assistance. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to make time with this foxy-operator-technical-woman, meow.


EternalLove said...

awww cute zoey
i just lurveee eskimo breeds
anyway, i'm here droping a comment because i like the way you write
good blog
keep it up
think of clowns= guys putting on lipstick for their 1st time and smudge their face & got no shoes to wear til they have to get theirs from their great grandad (with huge feet) & got their head strike by a lightning (thats how they get their afro hair)

cheer up ^_^
and great job

sami/tirades from the throne said...

Freak! I thought I was the only one to blog about the horrific thing that is: clowns...scary bastards.

I will admit you do it much better so I bow to the clown master!

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