Monday, September 03, 2007

TOP SECRET

This weekend as I soaked in a bath of epsom salts & filed the callouses off my feet, I thought to myself, "Self, what can you give of you that will help the lives of those who support you so tirelessly."

Oh sure, I could be all tacky like Oprah and give you all a car or money or some shit like that. But let's be honest, you'll just end up spending it on drugs & whores. ...and I will not be an enabler.

That being said, I decided (as I began to get pruney) that I would impart something of myself. I would open the vault and share with you a seeeeeeeeeecret. A top seeeeeeeeeecret, seeeeeeeeeeeecret.

"What is this secret!!!??? Please let us in!!!" you squeal.
The secret?

My recipe for the World's Best Grilled Cheese Sammy!!!
YES!!! That seeeeeeeeeecret!!!
(Virgin Mary not included.)

Unemployed actors & stoners rejoice!! Alright, get your Adobe PDF creator all fired up here it comes....

INGREDIENTS:
(1) LOAF WONDERBREAD CLASSIC
(1) GOAT PANCREAS
(12) SLICES PEPPER JACK CHEESE
(2) POUNDS OF LOVE
(1/2) TSP. GROUND SALT & PEPPER
(1 - 2) 40 OZ. BOTTLE(S) OF BUDWEISER
(1/2) TSP. ITALIAN SEASONING (OREGANO, BASIL, ETC.)
(1) HEAPING HELPING OF CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER
(1/2) TSP. OF GARLIC POWDER
(1) FRIEND WITH GUITAR
(1) TUB OF COUNTRY CROCK

Delish! Let's get stared shall we?!

DIRECTIONS:
STEP 1: Call your friend Stu who plays the guitar. If you do not have a friend named Stu who plays the guitar, substitute him with another friend who plays the guitar. Perhaps Andy, he's pretty good, I guess. You know, if Stu's not around.

STEP 2: Go to your village's town square and barter for (1) goat. Go home and harvest pancreas from goat. This ensures freshness. From there, follow this link and use the pancreas to make radish-rose garnishes. (Why goat pancreas roses? Well frankly, when I was a "kid" the goats used to steal all my feed at the petting zoo and this is just my little way of getting back at the greedy bastards.) Let roses stew in juices.

STEP 3: Open your 40 oz. bottle of Budweiser. Begin imbibing. If Stu [or your guitar player, Andy] is particularly talented, give him the other 40 and tell him "get ta playin." Steve Miller Band classics are a nice way to start when making grilled cheese.

STEP 4: Open tub of Country Crock, open your palm and dive into that crock until you gots yo' self a handful of butter -just like last Saturday night. Flick this handful into the pan and get it sizzlin. If grease splatters out causing 2nd degree burns, good news, it's working! At this point drop in that heaping helping of children's laughter & some garlic powder. Let both sautée.

STEP 5: Once the laughter has died down & the garlic is golden brown, take out yo' Wonder Bread, Cracker! Gently cover (2) pieces in pepper & salt (be gentle w/ the salt), italian seasonings & a small pinch more of garlic powder. Place one piece of bread (spicey side down) in the vat of butter you have created. Then drop on (2) pieces of pepper jack cheese on top and put the other piece of bread on that bad boy.

STEP 6: Belligerently demand that Stu (or Andy or whoever...) perform a Sublime medley. Make sure he plays that one about looting, that shit gets me pumped!!! ...oh, and that one in Spanish, you know, the one that says kill whitey. After (2) minutes on medium heat, flip sammy. Save remaining 1/3 of 40 for the delectable treat you are (4) minutes away from consuming.

STEP 7: Now its time for presentation! If you are anything like me (an alcoholic), then you are chomping at the bit to (throw up) put the finishing touches on your dish! At this point, tenderize the (2) pounds of love as this will serve as the base. When flattened to 1/4", place love on your heavy duty Chinet diningware.

STEP 8: After (2) minutes on each side (or until golden brown), take that greasy delicious treat out of the pan and let the Country Crock drain out like rainwater. At this point, Stu/Andy/Guy Who Won't Stop Playing Stairway to Heaven, has thoroughly gotten on your nerves. Tell him to leave.

STEP 9: When your butterfloods have subsided (1-2 minutes), place grilled cheese on love plate. Garnish with goat-pancreas-rose.


STEP 10: BON APETIT! ENJOY!

Now remember, this is a TOP SEEEEEEEEEEEEEECRET. I don't want to threaten you, but I'm people who knows people. People with jowls.

Happy Cooking!







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GWGG Capitol Recap
- Paying Attention So You Don't Have To

The latest Congressional news courtesy of my collegeues at O-SPAN. Democracy works, man!!



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