Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Most Popular Wedding Guest

If you see people donning the attire above, chances are you are at a wedding. ...or a production of My Fair Lady. Either way, you win!

As I press on into my mid-early-late-twenties, so many of my friends are getting married which means I have to buy them a fucking gift go to a plethora of weddings.

To the flipside, so many of my friends who are not getting married get all crazy depressed-like. I attribute this depression to a lack of perspective. ...that, and the self-awareness that their inherent personality flaws and lack of style of have doomed them to a life of solitude.

Social lepers rejoice! For I have compiled a few helpful hints to make you THE MOST POPULAR WEDDING GUEST EVER!!!

I can not stress enough how important it is to make a big impression right out of the gate. When seated go out of your way to meet those around you. If you do something boring, like, say you're a claims adjuster, make up an exciting current job with a roundabout backstory. Such as:

"Mine is really a rags to riches story. I was working in Detroit as a pimp and business was really taking off. Man, my hoes were bringing in the dough like it was their J.O.B, because, you know, it was. As I started to stack up my cheese, I sought out the finer things, like pimp cups. As I toured pawn shops and my cousin Ricky's trunk, I couldn't find a pimp cup that balanced both my utilitarian need for a cup that could hold copious amounts of Patron & my stylistic desire for elegant bling. Necessity being the mother of invention, I started my own successful line of pimp cups & recently became Snoop Dogg's personal pimp cup artisan."
Then, ask them what they do. You can pretend to be interested, but it isn't required because afterall, you are Snoop's pimp cup artisan.

It is time to meet your public. So get off your ass and get your smile on. By now people have heard of celebrity artisan status and they will inevitably want their picture with you. VERY IMPORTANT: Get in as many pictures as possible. This way your legend will live on long after your friends' divorce has been finalized. Some sample shots might include the following:

Pictures with the bride and/or the groom are strongly encouraged -ESPECIALLY if you don't know them, as they will be included in the wedding album & help to give your presence "legs."

As you make your rounds, there will be a girl who looks like this:

Befriend her, the table of cocktails means she is a kindred spirit! Well done, table-of-cocktails-girl!

Dinner has been served & consumed. Now it is time to hit the dance floor & seal the deal. If you are not a trained professional like myself, drink until you think you are. Then get out there. Do not stop dancing until there is a circle of people around you or the ambulance arrives, whichever comes first.

"But Patrick, I don't know any dance moves." you whine. Well, here are some moves I stole from Dance Party USA circa 1990 and they have served me loyally to this day.

"The Fosse" - all pelvis, all the time.

"The Guitar Hero" -because they're holding out for you.

"The Kevin Bacon" -make them want to get closer than 6 degrees.

After the "Kevin Bacon" you have galvanized your presence as the most popular wedding guest ever! People are probably hoisting you up on a chair and carrying you around the room! ...unless you're at a Jewish wedding, 'cause evidently, that honor is reserved for someone else or something.

Your work here is done. Grab a Perrier, your coat and head to the door to field those hungry eyes...

Meow. You're welcome.

Wedding Inquiries -
Would you like Patrick to attend a wedding with you?! For only $19.95/per day plus expenses*, Patrick will attend your wedding!

For more details, email Helen at:

*drunken hook-up not included. unless you're really hot, then it's included.


Reuel said...

Haha! Hilarious. I wonder whose pictures you used to get those fabulous wedding poses!

Anonymous said...

In it something is. I thank for the information, now I will not commit such error.

Anonymous said...

In my opinion you are not right. Let's discuss it. Write to me in PM, we will talk.

Greatness With Garrigan Gumption said...

Thank you for your offer of help! Please feel free to email me: to put me on the road to recovery.

Keep reaching for Greatness!


Anonymous said...

That aside, I think that a multiple-contributor blog would give you support and provide some other perspectives. You could combine this with your ideas on coaching/ghostwriting and work with 'intern' contributors to hone their skills, see their work supplying your site, and give them the tools they need to take your philosophies and understanding out on their own tangents. It might give you a regular supply of fresh, new writers and keep things going while allowing you to step back a little. (If you did go with the intern idea, drop me a line, will you? *g*)


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