Sunday, September 16, 2007

And We're Off - Cycle 9 Begins

Goody, goody, goody...



One of the worst kept secrets over here at the newly renovated Gumption World Headquarters (Queens Facility), is my infatuation with America's Next Top Model (ANTM). As the program continues into it's ninth cycle, poor Tyra (pictured, all zombie-eyed crazy) and her team of misfit toys have got to be hard up for episode ideas.

Being the creative genius that I am, I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few challenges & concepts that I feel would really bring the show to new heights and maybe even draw in a wider male audience.

Some thoughts include:




JANICE DICKINSON CROTCH SHOT TUTORIAL




Say what you will about Janice Dickinson, I would very much like to motorboat her tittays. Cycle 9's ladies have much to learn from "the world's first supermodel." Like how best to get a snatch shot placed on PerezHilton with a clever tag like, "lick it." You think those pictures take themselves? No! That comes from years of experience in the biz, kid.








FLAMING!
Now, I know what you're thinking, "HOLY SHIT! THAT GIRL'S ON FIRE!!!"

Silly! This is what I call "raising the stakes." Throughout the past few seasons the girls have had to face the harshest of elements: wind, water, earth, transgendered judges, but never fire -till now. In this episode, the girls model the latest couture fashion trend, the oily rag pants suit. Complete with a poorly executed pyro runway. A visual feast!



CHINA: TORTURE. FASHION. FUN.
Each Cycle, my friend, Tyra whisks her girls away to an exotic locale so that they might sample all the cultural richness that country has to offer. This year it is China, where the girls are given the opportunity to explore the vibrant Beijing fashion scene(?)! While here, they will have an audience with Hu Jintao to model the latest in political prisoner jumpsuits & shoot a commercial for pet food that may or may not kill your dog. Super Cool.



FINALE: iRobot


Given the futuristic feel of this season, for the finale, the remaining (3) girls will fight a robot. A robot with a laser.

The winner of the fight (be it robot or model) would then will win representation by Elite Model Management, $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics, and a cover and six-page spread within Seventeen magazine.



Talk about must-see TV! Has anyone seen my machismo anywhere?

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