Sunday, September 30, 2007

War on Terror

Isn't she the sweetest? Jessss she is... zwubby-boobity booo! This is Zoey, my good friend Leslie's new American Eskimo puppy. Isn't she just precious?! And she just loves her new uncle, Pattycakes. Don't you? Jesss you do...

Monday, Leslie was kind enough to let me look after Zoey most of the day while she ran errands. We ate lunch together: me with a peanut butter sammy, her with her own fecal matter, it was a magical connection unlike any other. During that time, I just fell in love with her.

As I looked into her beautiful blue eyes I felt the inherent paternal need to vehemently protect her at all costs. From all enemies, especially clowns.

I know you're thinking, "oh Patrick, not the fecking clowns again. Let it go."

To which I reply, let it go? Have you ever been a 12 year old boy hiding behind a trash barrel at the Festival on the Green pissing your pants as Bippy the Clown created overtly phallic balloon animals for your brother and sister? What's that? No? You haven't? Yeah, well, I have and just the retelling of it caused me to let out a little pee.

Given my history and new-found need to protect Zoey, I have committed to redoubling my efforts in the area of clown counterterrorism. In short, I have created my own War on Terror.

Sure, their big-shoed antics may seem benign, but their actions cripple the psyches of millions of adults every year. You need proof? Meet Kris Eason a coulrophobia victim. Just another casualty in the war on terror.


She's suffered with this her entire life! She can't even 'go circuses'!! Goddamm you, Mr. Giggles!


Did you hear what Giggles said? Clown school! At this "school"they train these evil-doers to be come adept at the most lethal weapon in the clown arsenal- the balloon animal.

This instructional photo was taken directly from a clown school manual. It is supposed to be of a swan. A swan!

All's I see is a drawing of cock 'n balls. What can we infer from this? Well, let me lay it out for you with the following algebraic equation:

If A = clown

&

B = cock 'n balls balloon animal

Then, A + B = Clowns will molest your children.

That clear enough for you, chump?

As if that wasn't troubling, GWGG operative, Erin, has risked life and limb to provide us (you know, Helen & me) with an actual clown terror training camp video. In it, these clowns are taught to prey on the elderly.

WARNING: This video is graphic in nature. Viewer discretion is advised. Additionally, if your are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant you should not watch this video, unless, of course you have consulted with a doctor and are enjoying a diet rich in fiber -but not too much fiber, because that can lead septic back-ups or other serious complications such as itchiness. Itchiness lasting longer than (3) days may be scabies. Scabies are just plain gross and you should probably wash your stuff a little more frequently in the first place you nasty, nasty ho.





A couple of very serious concerns come up while viewing this video:

  • Targeting the vulnerable - "The elderly really receive you quite well...they're lonely & long for touch."
  • Clear plan for terror - "If they're in need of touch, ya touch them. If they're in need of a smile, you give them a smile. ...if they find out about your plan for world domination, kill them."
  • Non-speaking clowning - as if regular clowning wasn't creepy enough, these vile bastards don't even say anything! Horrifying.
  • Sleeper cells - "Do not stand in a group, many clowns can be intimidating. Two clowns together are really great..."
  • Don't Do It! - They won't even help an octogenarian take a shit. Oh, the humanity!
I would hope that I now have your support in my crusade against these bottom-feeders. "But what can I do?" You ask. Be vigilant. If you see something, say something. Zoey's life might just depend on it.




TECHNICAL SUPPORT
GWGG gratefully acknowledges the michael alan group for it's technical assistance. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to make time with this foxy-operator-technical-woman, meow.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Bereavement 2.0

I know a lot of you have been asking questions as to why the blogs have taken a little longer to post. The answer is not my inherent laziness. Rather, my trusted Toshiba laptop, Margo, has passed away.


Beloved by everyone who knew her, please find a brief pictorial celebrating her final moments... (Please play James Blunt CD while viewing, thank you.)



I began to suspect something was wrong when she seemed to stop enjoying COPS on Saturday night.




By Sunday morning, she just refused to get out of bed.



And then by Sunday evening she was just gone.

There are a lot of unanswered questions: How did she die? Did the massive porn downloads lead to her demise? Did pirated music clog her with such filth, her pure little processor just couldn't carry on?


I don't know. All I know is she's gone.


Checks in Margo's memory can be made in my name, Patrick Thomas Garrigan. And they better not bounce or I'll come after your cheap ass! -I'm sorry, I'm bereft.

Some Bad News...


Once again, we are experiencing some technical difficulties. An unfortunate announcement to follow later today...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

And We're Off - Cycle 9 Begins

Goody, goody, goody...



One of the worst kept secrets over here at the newly renovated Gumption World Headquarters (Queens Facility), is my infatuation with America's Next Top Model (ANTM). As the program continues into it's ninth cycle, poor Tyra (pictured, all zombie-eyed crazy) and her team of misfit toys have got to be hard up for episode ideas.

Being the creative genius that I am, I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few challenges & concepts that I feel would really bring the show to new heights and maybe even draw in a wider male audience.

Some thoughts include:




JANICE DICKINSON CROTCH SHOT TUTORIAL




Say what you will about Janice Dickinson, I would very much like to motorboat her tittays. Cycle 9's ladies have much to learn from "the world's first supermodel." Like how best to get a snatch shot placed on PerezHilton with a clever tag like, "lick it." You think those pictures take themselves? No! That comes from years of experience in the biz, kid.








FLAMING!
Now, I know what you're thinking, "HOLY SHIT! THAT GIRL'S ON FIRE!!!"

Silly! This is what I call "raising the stakes." Throughout the past few seasons the girls have had to face the harshest of elements: wind, water, earth, transgendered judges, but never fire -till now. In this episode, the girls model the latest couture fashion trend, the oily rag pants suit. Complete with a poorly executed pyro runway. A visual feast!



CHINA: TORTURE. FASHION. FUN.
Each Cycle, my friend, Tyra whisks her girls away to an exotic locale so that they might sample all the cultural richness that country has to offer. This year it is China, where the girls are given the opportunity to explore the vibrant Beijing fashion scene(?)! While here, they will have an audience with Hu Jintao to model the latest in political prisoner jumpsuits & shoot a commercial for pet food that may or may not kill your dog. Super Cool.



FINALE: iRobot


Given the futuristic feel of this season, for the finale, the remaining (3) girls will fight a robot. A robot with a laser.

The winner of the fight (be it robot or model) would then will win representation by Elite Model Management, $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics, and a cover and six-page spread within Seventeen magazine.



Talk about must-see TV! Has anyone seen my machismo anywhere?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Most Popular Wedding Guest

If you see people donning the attire above, chances are you are at a wedding. ...or a production of My Fair Lady. Either way, you win!

As I press on into my mid-early-late-twenties, so many of my friends are getting married which means I have to buy them a fucking gift go to a plethora of weddings.

To the flipside, so many of my friends who are not getting married get all crazy depressed-like. I attribute this depression to a lack of perspective. ...that, and the self-awareness that their inherent personality flaws and lack of style of have doomed them to a life of solitude.

Social lepers rejoice! For I have compiled a few helpful hints to make you THE MOST POPULAR WEDDING GUEST EVER!!!

WINNING THE TABLE
I can not stress enough how important it is to make a big impression right out of the gate. When seated go out of your way to meet those around you. If you do something boring, like, say you're a claims adjuster, make up an exciting current job with a roundabout backstory. Such as:

"Mine is really a rags to riches story. I was working in Detroit as a pimp and business was really taking off. Man, my hoes were bringing in the dough like it was their J.O.B, because, you know, it was. As I started to stack up my cheese, I sought out the finer things, like pimp cups. As I toured pawn shops and my cousin Ricky's trunk, I couldn't find a pimp cup that balanced both my utilitarian need for a cup that could hold copious amounts of Patron & my stylistic desire for elegant bling. Necessity being the mother of invention, I started my own successful line of pimp cups & recently became Snoop Dogg's personal pimp cup artisan."
Then, ask them what they do. You can pretend to be interested, but it isn't required because afterall, you are Snoop's pimp cup artisan.

MAKING THE ROUNDS
It is time to meet your public. So get off your ass and get your smile on. By now people have heard of celebrity artisan status and they will inevitably want their picture with you. VERY IMPORTANT: Get in as many pictures as possible. This way your legend will live on long after your friends' divorce has been finalized. Some sample shots might include the following:

















































Pictures with the bride and/or the groom are strongly encouraged -ESPECIALLY if you don't know them, as they will be included in the wedding album & help to give your presence "legs."

FIND THIS GIRL
As you make your rounds, there will be a girl who looks like this:


Befriend her, the table of cocktails means she is a kindred spirit! Well done, table-of-cocktails-girl!

FULL OUT
Dinner has been served & consumed. Now it is time to hit the dance floor & seal the deal. If you are not a trained professional like myself, drink until you think you are. Then get out there. Do not stop dancing until there is a circle of people around you or the ambulance arrives, whichever comes first.

"But Patrick, I don't know any dance moves." you whine. Well, here are some moves I stole from Dance Party USA circa 1990 and they have served me loyally to this day.





















"The Fosse" - all pelvis, all the time.













"The Guitar Hero" -because they're holding out for you.





















"The Kevin Bacon" -make them want to get closer than 6 degrees.

After the "Kevin Bacon" you have galvanized your presence as the most popular wedding guest ever! People are probably hoisting you up on a chair and carrying you around the room! ...unless you're at a Jewish wedding, 'cause evidently, that honor is reserved for someone else or something.

CLOSING THE DEAL
Your work here is done. Grab a Perrier, your coat and head to the door to field those hungry eyes...

Meow. You're welcome.

Wedding Inquiries -
Would you like Patrick to attend a wedding with you?! For only $19.95/per day plus expenses*, Patrick will attend your wedding!


For more details, email Helen at:
greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com.

*drunken hook-up not included. unless you're really hot, then it's included.

Monday, September 03, 2007

TOP SECRET

This weekend as I soaked in a bath of epsom salts & filed the callouses off my feet, I thought to myself, "Self, what can you give of you that will help the lives of those who support you so tirelessly."

Oh sure, I could be all tacky like Oprah and give you all a car or money or some shit like that. But let's be honest, you'll just end up spending it on drugs & whores. ...and I will not be an enabler.

That being said, I decided (as I began to get pruney) that I would impart something of myself. I would open the vault and share with you a seeeeeeeeeecret. A top seeeeeeeeeecret, seeeeeeeeeeeecret.

"What is this secret!!!??? Please let us in!!!" you squeal.
The secret?

My recipe for the World's Best Grilled Cheese Sammy!!!
YES!!! That seeeeeeeeeecret!!!
(Virgin Mary not included.)

Unemployed actors & stoners rejoice!! Alright, get your Adobe PDF creator all fired up here it comes....

INGREDIENTS:
(1) LOAF WONDERBREAD CLASSIC
(1) GOAT PANCREAS
(12) SLICES PEPPER JACK CHEESE
(2) POUNDS OF LOVE
(1/2) TSP. GROUND SALT & PEPPER
(1 - 2) 40 OZ. BOTTLE(S) OF BUDWEISER
(1/2) TSP. ITALIAN SEASONING (OREGANO, BASIL, ETC.)
(1) HEAPING HELPING OF CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER
(1/2) TSP. OF GARLIC POWDER
(1) FRIEND WITH GUITAR
(1) TUB OF COUNTRY CROCK

Delish! Let's get stared shall we?!

DIRECTIONS:
STEP 1: Call your friend Stu who plays the guitar. If you do not have a friend named Stu who plays the guitar, substitute him with another friend who plays the guitar. Perhaps Andy, he's pretty good, I guess. You know, if Stu's not around.

STEP 2: Go to your village's town square and barter for (1) goat. Go home and harvest pancreas from goat. This ensures freshness. From there, follow this link and use the pancreas to make radish-rose garnishes. (Why goat pancreas roses? Well frankly, when I was a "kid" the goats used to steal all my feed at the petting zoo and this is just my little way of getting back at the greedy bastards.) Let roses stew in juices.

STEP 3: Open your 40 oz. bottle of Budweiser. Begin imbibing. If Stu [or your guitar player, Andy] is particularly talented, give him the other 40 and tell him "get ta playin." Steve Miller Band classics are a nice way to start when making grilled cheese.

STEP 4: Open tub of Country Crock, open your palm and dive into that crock until you gots yo' self a handful of butter -just like last Saturday night. Flick this handful into the pan and get it sizzlin. If grease splatters out causing 2nd degree burns, good news, it's working! At this point drop in that heaping helping of children's laughter & some garlic powder. Let both sautée.

STEP 5: Once the laughter has died down & the garlic is golden brown, take out yo' Wonder Bread, Cracker! Gently cover (2) pieces in pepper & salt (be gentle w/ the salt), italian seasonings & a small pinch more of garlic powder. Place one piece of bread (spicey side down) in the vat of butter you have created. Then drop on (2) pieces of pepper jack cheese on top and put the other piece of bread on that bad boy.

STEP 6: Belligerently demand that Stu (or Andy or whoever...) perform a Sublime medley. Make sure he plays that one about looting, that shit gets me pumped!!! ...oh, and that one in Spanish, you know, the one that says kill whitey. After (2) minutes on medium heat, flip sammy. Save remaining 1/3 of 40 for the delectable treat you are (4) minutes away from consuming.

STEP 7: Now its time for presentation! If you are anything like me (an alcoholic), then you are chomping at the bit to (throw up) put the finishing touches on your dish! At this point, tenderize the (2) pounds of love as this will serve as the base. When flattened to 1/4", place love on your heavy duty Chinet diningware.

STEP 8: After (2) minutes on each side (or until golden brown), take that greasy delicious treat out of the pan and let the Country Crock drain out like rainwater. At this point, Stu/Andy/Guy Who Won't Stop Playing Stairway to Heaven, has thoroughly gotten on your nerves. Tell him to leave.

STEP 9: When your butterfloods have subsided (1-2 minutes), place grilled cheese on love plate. Garnish with goat-pancreas-rose.


STEP 10: BON APETIT! ENJOY!

Now remember, this is a TOP SEEEEEEEEEEEEEECRET. I don't want to threaten you, but I'm people who knows people. People with jowls.

Happy Cooking!







----




GWGG Capitol Recap
- Paying Attention So You Don't Have To

The latest Congressional news courtesy of my collegeues at O-SPAN. Democracy works, man!!



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