Sunday, August 05, 2007

My Borough No More

Whoa! Whoa, Dawson Leary, please stop crying! I've returned.

I would like to apologize to all of my religious
GWGG readers who were left high & dry last week. Baby, Daddy loves you. He's back, sweetheart. ..and he will never leave you again.

So in fairness, it is a good question. Where was I? The short of it is, I spent last Sunday moving to:
QUEENS!
When reflecting upon my recent move, I quietly think to myself, "Sweet baby Jesus, WHAT HAVE I DONE??!!"

For the longest time, I resided in the Gumption World Headquarters located at 370 W. 52nd Street. Unfortunately, corporate restructuring &
my penchant for strippers, has forced Helen and I to retreat to Queens.

Since the move, many, many people -a plethoria; nay, a
myriad of people, have asked with great concern, what I will miss. Demand has been so great, that I have compiled the following list of things that I will miss most.
  • Pretending not to gloat when I told people where I lived. I used to just love going to parties and chatting with people. Inevitably, conversation turned to 'where do you live?' Most times, people would claim insufferable "boroughs" as their domicile. As soon as they walked away, I would begin hysterically cackling (pictured. I think in this instance they said they lived in the Bronx! You believe that shit? LOL. LMAO. OMFG. TTYL.). Man, I'm gonna miss that.
  • Chipotle. (the official fast food burrito of Patrick Garrigan)I don't want to impose my religious beliefs on you, but to partake of the Carnitas burrito with mild / medium salsa topped with the tangy delighfulness of Chipotle Tabasco sauce is to see the face of God. Oh sure, there are other Chipotles, but none delivers the sweet, tender loving that MY CHIPOTLE does. None.
  • Spying on the Roof. There's a part of me, that has always believed that my calling was to become a spy. Not like an international espionage-type spy, but more like a creepy, Peeping Tom-type spy. The 'ol 370 address allowed me the opportunity to live out my spook games. From high above 9th Avenue, I was able to utilize my high-powered Bushnell binoculars to clandestinely shadow crackheads, trashed sorority girls & assorted gays. Take that Tom Clancy!
  • Romantic evenings with Roma Torre. Some of my regular readers may recall a little while back I had posted the GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Well, after producing the quiz, I became highly sought after by the ladies (natch). One such suitor was NY1 TV personality, Roma Torre. It wasn't long before it was hot 'n heavy. When I told Roma of my decision to move to Queens, she informed me that, despite NY1's outstanding city-wide coverage, she could not be with someone who lived outside of Manhattan proper. ...and then she coldly left to tape an episode of On Stage. "Your reviews blow, Roma!" I shouted. But it was too late. She was gone.
  • Recruiting neighborhood kids for my weekly Fairy Parade. I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. It is important to show them all the beauty they possess inside. That being said, I have worked tirelessly to get kids to share that inside beauty in more overt, superficial ways, such as my weekly Fairy Parade through Midtown. Dude, I'm not a pussy, but I'm really going to miss working with those kids. I will never forget what 9 year old, Michelle told me on my last day. "Patrick, you make me never want to get fat." If I can reach just one kid, it makes it all worthwhile.
  • Fantasizing about setting fire to that bric-a-brac shop. If you have ever walked down 52nd Street between 8th & 9th Avenues you have seen this eyesore of a bric-a-brac shop next to the Lucky's Hamburger stand. Initially, I hated the store because its horrid collection of crap spilled well onto the sidewalks attracting smack addicts and various miscreants. But then after a while, I found myself fully occupied by daydreams of sending the shitehole up in flames!! So that was, you know, nice. Ahhhhh, memories.
I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I know I sure have. And hey, the next time your on the N / W train, why not take couple extra stops to come visit Patrick? -Housewarming gifts are strongly encouraged.

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