Sunday, August 26, 2007

Department of Cop Outs: Results Episode!!

Hey there, TV Land!!! It's time for the results episode!!

Results episode? You ask. Yes, results episode, silly!!!

Last week I posed the question, "As a loyal GWGG reader, do I feel I am making galiant strides towards greatness?"

Here is how America voted....

A staggering 79% voted that they are Making Strides towards Greatness via GWGG. Meanwhile, however an impressive 21% of readers are Hopeless Losers -that's unfortunate.

Well that's all the time we have this week! Tune in next week when I show you a rendering of what Frenchie Davis would look like 20lbs. thinner.

Garrigan out!

Monday, August 20, 2007

One Year of Greatness

Happy Birthday to Greatness with Garrigan Gumption!

Happy Birthday to Greatness with Garrigan Gumption!

Happy Birthday DEAR Greatness with
Garrigan Gumptyuuuuuuuuuuuun!

Happy Birthday to YOU!
....[jazzy/sexy/cool] and many more!!!!

Hey Kids,

That's right! GWGG is one year old this week! Hollerrrrr! Oh, we've had some good times haven't we? Of course we have! remember the time I tried to get you to give me one of your kidneys and you were all, "no, don't take my kidney!" And I was like, "what's the big deal man, you got (2)." And then you paid that Dominican gang to beat me up justa, "teach me a lesson"? Remember?! Man, that was fun!

Ahhh... You know, one of the most thoroughly satisfying parts of being able to share the gobs of wisdom I have, is the profound rapport I have with my readership.

Never is this more evident then when I read the lovely G-mails (that's what I call 'em -cute, right?) I get from my ADORING fans! I'm sorry, you probably can't relate. Here, read on as I open my mailbag to share some of my REAL* (seriously) reader accolades!

"Because you have experience, how exactly does one remove the claws of a hamster? I tried once and it was a lesson in futility, and I pissed
off any number of small rodentia. I DO NOT want that kind of hell again!"
-Noah; New York, NY

"You are a very strange man...."
-Kathyrn; New York, NY

"Touched by the Rudy's portion of your latest blog. Felt like I could really feel and smell the place."
-David; New York, NY

"You shouldn't hate clowns.... especially Grandma clown."
-Steven; New York, NY

Patrick, I peed my pants..."
-Patti; New York, NY (tiny bladder)

"Dear Patrick, please remove. I want to "unsubscribe" if possible. Tired of your insipid remarks. Get a life. You belong in a borough. Roma Torre thinks you're gross and called you a "One man Fairy Parade." I bet you shit your pants twice as much as Mickey Rooney."
-Peter; New York, NY

Yeah, I really feel like I've really reached out and touched someone. Not entirely unlike my impending "grabby hands" court case. And in both cases it is/was profoundly satisfying.

Throughout my writings I have made it my mission to motivate people by applying the simple principle that by utilizing Garrigan Gumption©, you can achieve Greatness. However, this is an ongoing process and I look to my readers to let me know how we're progressing.

With that in mind, I pose the following Snap Poll question. Simply click yes or no to see the results!

If you answered yes, congratulations! You are well on your way to self-actualization! So, you know, that's nice.

If you answered no, you are probably a USIP and are screwed anyway.

But seriously folks, thank you to all you poor dumb bastards supportive peeps out there surfing the interweb who have read, and (better yet) passed ye olde blog on to others in the past year, 'perciate it. Keep those bags & bags of fan mail coming, because really, it's all I have....

Hanging on by a thread,

*EDITORIAL NOTE: All the mailbag quotes are genuine e-mails from adoring fans. The pictures associated with these quotes may or may not be the actual person. But really, who am I to judge.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The YouTube Special

Hello, Friends. Yes, the man at right gives me the creeps, too.

You know I love the interweb. You know I do. Mostly because I have no "real friends" in the sense that they live and breathe and can join me for brunch, drinks or any form of "tangible human contact."

That being said, I have taken solstice in making the information superhighway my number one chum. Think about it, it is perfect: news, music, and unlimited pornography.

In my online pursuits, I have been sucked into the World Wide Web phenomenon known as "YouTube." For those of you who don't know what YouTube is, please stop reading this posting now -for you are an idiot.

While surfin', I have compiled a list of my favorite vids (it's what the kids call 'em these days). Some of them you'll have already seen. Some of them you haven't. If you have seen them, keep it to yourself -I don't care. If you haven't, enjoy.

So without further adieu I present:

The YouTube Special

This one combines my love of dick & fart jokes with my devout contempt respect for televangelists.

I love listening to the hits. Especially this one. It tells the wholesome tale of a young girl who overcomes great obstacles & personal insecurities to find comfort & confidence in lip gloss that is poppin', let's watch, shall we...

While the tale is inspiring, I think we can all agree that Ms. McClarkson (3:06) needs to be fired. I will not sit idly by why our students are called out of class simply to ask them where they get their lip gloss from. No child left behind, indeed.

Throughout my theatrical career I have worked with a wide array of impressive thespians (most notably the incomparable, Christy Carlson Romano). However, never, in ANY of my stage exploits have I ever seen such an exceptional portrayal as the one to follow. Ladies & gentlemen, I give you Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker...

Walk it off... Oh stop, she's fine. And it's not like she'd say something if she wasn't.

Friends, I'd like to introduce you to Democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America, Former Alaska Senator, Mike Gravel. Please sit back and relax as he shows us why he would make an exceptional president. (The really powerful shit happens at 1:15)

You just don't get it, do you, MAN. It's a metaphor: as president, he will stare creepily into his Sony Handycam until it is time for his Alzheimer pills, at which point he will throw a rock out an Oval Office window, and go take a nap. Sign me up, GRAVEL 2008!!! Hollerrrrrrrrrrr!

I hope you enjoyed this afternoon's, movie hour. I know I sure have. It has been a very cheery distraction from the cold isolation of my lead-lined bunker 20,000-leagues below the Earth's crust. Now you must excuse me, I have to figure out how to set up a PayPal account to purchase my mail order bride. TTYL.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

My Borough No More

Whoa! Whoa, Dawson Leary, please stop crying! I've returned.

I would like to apologize to all of my religious
GWGG readers who were left high & dry last week. Baby, Daddy loves you. He's back, sweetheart. ..and he will never leave you again.

So in fairness, it is a good question. Where was I? The short of it is, I spent last Sunday moving to:
When reflecting upon my recent move, I quietly think to myself, "Sweet baby Jesus, WHAT HAVE I DONE??!!"

For the longest time, I resided in the Gumption World Headquarters located at 370 W. 52nd Street. Unfortunately, corporate restructuring &
my penchant for strippers, has forced Helen and I to retreat to Queens.

Since the move, many, many people -a plethoria; nay, a
myriad of people, have asked with great concern, what I will miss. Demand has been so great, that I have compiled the following list of things that I will miss most.
  • Pretending not to gloat when I told people where I lived. I used to just love going to parties and chatting with people. Inevitably, conversation turned to 'where do you live?' Most times, people would claim insufferable "boroughs" as their domicile. As soon as they walked away, I would begin hysterically cackling (pictured. I think in this instance they said they lived in the Bronx! You believe that shit? LOL. LMAO. OMFG. TTYL.). Man, I'm gonna miss that.
  • Chipotle. (the official fast food burrito of Patrick Garrigan)I don't want to impose my religious beliefs on you, but to partake of the Carnitas burrito with mild / medium salsa topped with the tangy delighfulness of Chipotle Tabasco sauce is to see the face of God. Oh sure, there are other Chipotles, but none delivers the sweet, tender loving that MY CHIPOTLE does. None.
  • Spying on the Roof. There's a part of me, that has always believed that my calling was to become a spy. Not like an international espionage-type spy, but more like a creepy, Peeping Tom-type spy. The 'ol 370 address allowed me the opportunity to live out my spook games. From high above 9th Avenue, I was able to utilize my high-powered Bushnell binoculars to clandestinely shadow crackheads, trashed sorority girls & assorted gays. Take that Tom Clancy!
  • Romantic evenings with Roma Torre. Some of my regular readers may recall a little while back I had posted the GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Well, after producing the quiz, I became highly sought after by the ladies (natch). One such suitor was NY1 TV personality, Roma Torre. It wasn't long before it was hot 'n heavy. When I told Roma of my decision to move to Queens, she informed me that, despite NY1's outstanding city-wide coverage, she could not be with someone who lived outside of Manhattan proper. ...and then she coldly left to tape an episode of On Stage. "Your reviews blow, Roma!" I shouted. But it was too late. She was gone.
  • Recruiting neighborhood kids for my weekly Fairy Parade. I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. It is important to show them all the beauty they possess inside. That being said, I have worked tirelessly to get kids to share that inside beauty in more overt, superficial ways, such as my weekly Fairy Parade through Midtown. Dude, I'm not a pussy, but I'm really going to miss working with those kids. I will never forget what 9 year old, Michelle told me on my last day. "Patrick, you make me never want to get fat." If I can reach just one kid, it makes it all worthwhile.
  • Fantasizing about setting fire to that bric-a-brac shop. If you have ever walked down 52nd Street between 8th & 9th Avenues you have seen this eyesore of a bric-a-brac shop next to the Lucky's Hamburger stand. Initially, I hated the store because its horrid collection of crap spilled well onto the sidewalks attracting smack addicts and various miscreants. But then after a while, I found myself fully occupied by daydreams of sending the shitehole up in flames!! So that was, you know, nice. Ahhhhh, memories.
I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I know I sure have. And hey, the next time your on the N / W train, why not take couple extra stops to come visit Patrick? -Housewarming gifts are strongly encouraged.


Related Posts with Thumbnails