Sunday, July 15, 2007

Tear Down This Wall!

"Mr. Garrigan, tear down this wall!" These were the immortal words I spake to myself July 14, 2007. But first, we must begin where it all, started -at the beginning.

The year was 2005, I was a young chap back then, busying myself producing sphincter-rattling marketing initiatives during the day and performing as a bit player in the Philadelphia premiere of Tullamore Dew & Me: One Man's Tale of Big-Timing & Stumbling into Parking Meters.

One day, while working in Philly, I was overcome with the revelation that I needed to cut loose. But not just a little loose. Totally loose. St. Lo(ose)uis.
Yet, even as this realization washed over me, there were a lot of unanswered questions. Where was St. Louis? What if I could only cut sorta loose? Why did iced coffee cost so much more than regular coffee? And most importantly, what would happen to my "room" in the bedroomless section of the (1) bedroom hovel penthouse that I shared?

Then it dawned on me. I would build a wall.

After building the wall I decided that I would "sublet" it while I was away. Subletting is a lucrative practice wherein European tourists or recent college graduates are tricked into paying someone money to live in that person's place while they are away -only to be kidnapped & sadistically tortured by an underground, secret society of Manhattan socialites.

For the next few years, I used the wall to make my 1BR a 2BR. Therein allowing the freedom to torture tourists & grads when I was away; and do bumps of coke off strippers asses, while cultivating my flourishing handmade doilie business, when home. It really was ideal. But this, like all good things, had to come to an end.

About (2) weeks ago, I visited my management company to chat with my landlord, Mr. Yee (who may or may not be a ninja). Evidently, there had been a lot of tenant complaints about the screaming & strippers coming and going at all hours.

However, Mr. Yee & I had a rapport. He would bark in Mandarin while waving his nunchucks at me, and I would smile and nod like I understood what he was saying. I'm a people person.

What I got from our conversation was that he didn't want to kick me out, but they would have to make a colossal raise in the rent in order to bribe the tenants not to go to the Housing Authority.

The rent hike was far more than I could afford.

He was tough, but fair. I told him I would have to move, hit him in the head with a green-striped tube sock filled with flour and we engaged in Mortal Kombat -you know, for old times sake.

After splitting a traditional piece of boston creme pie with Mr. Yee, I went home to survey my wall. I knew what I had to do. I assembled my cabinet to give the speech of my life. Then I realized I had no cabinet, so I simply said...

"Mr. Garrigan, tear down this wall."

And it was done.

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