Sunday, July 01, 2007

A Tale from the Road

Throughout my days as a performer, the road has been my only home. My home? The road.

It's a tough life. Living out of suitcases, eating in fine establishments, bangin' skanks, ya dig?

On the road you have lots of crazy adventures. Like the time I inadvertently became a participant in a Tijuana donkey show. (I've never looked at livestock quite the same.)

...or the time I killed a clown in Reno, just to watch him die. Unfortuantely, my lawyers have advised me not to discuss that story. Oopsie!

Along the way you meet a lot of famous people. I have heard. I do not know this first hand. I have met a lot of people who have met famous people however, and that should impress you. For instance...

TRUE STORY: When I was on tour with Titanic, I always went out of my way to be supa nice to my dressers. First and most importantly, I am always impeccably dressed and so I depend on these people to make me look foxy for the ladies. Meow!

Secondly, they always have the best gossip.

Beloved film icon, Mickey Rooney, was touring with the Wizard of Oz. The tour played some God-forsaken place and he was assigned the star dressing room on the 3rd floor.

Being a man of some years and the idol that he is, he was catered to by a team of (3) dressers. During the course of the show, the theatre's elevators were reserved exclusively for Mickey.

After tirelessly working to get Mr. Rooney whatever his little heart desired, it was these dressers' job to make sure that he made it to the stage to facilitate his entrances.

At one such performance, after dressing him in his multi-layered emerald attire, they escorted him to his awaiting elevator. On the way down to the deck Mickey clenched & gruffly proclaims, "Teeeeeaaaaaahhhh! Motherfucker! Awwwwwwwww shit! Take me back up, I messed myself." Which they did -and the show was held for (30) minutes while the poor dressers cleaned the stinky-stinky out of Mickey's trousers.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "Patrick, you hateful bastard, of all your travels you choose to tell us a story about an aged national treasure dumping in his munchkin costume?"


I do this, frankly, because I like stories where adults stankify their britches.

Like once, when my sister and I were in college, she doody'ed her pants while we were painting and I retell this story whenever the opportunity presents itself -like now.

Bottom line, I like dick & fart jokes. What?!!

EDITORIAL NOTE: I apologize for the crass nature of this post. The summer heat has made me sweaty, and in turn my standards have reached all new lows. I'd like to tell you I promise to improve, but I have no real sense of journalistic integrity.

No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails