Sunday, July 22, 2007

PAGAT SURVEY

Why, hello there, gentle reader.

Welcome to the PAGATSURVEY (pronounced: Pa-GAT). Pagats is the only survey dedicated to the various bars and establishments that Patrick Garrigan went to Friday.

As you are probably aware, Patrick is uber-posh and the spots he frequents only serve to reinforce his "poshie-ness." However, it has long been Patrick's belief that everyone should be able to experience "poshie-ness," even if only living vicariously through crappy restaurant summaries. Incredible, right?!

Read on, friends who knows maybe you might end up at an establishment like...











Rudy's Bar & Grill

627 9th Ave, New York, NY
Phone: 212.974.9169
Website: wearerudyswedontneedawebsite.com

This upscale bistro is only for the truly cultured. Not unlike the 21 Club's tacky lawn ornaments, Rudy's features a dignified life-sized pig to mark it's place in the streetscape of culinary greatness.

FOOD: There are free hot dogs, that may or may not be made from the lips and hooves of pigs/cows. Delish!
DECOR: Life-sized pig available for inappropriate photo ops. Duh!
SERVICE: One of the guys that works there has a shaved head, wears a tie and calls you "chief." Rudy's rules!

Bamboo 52 OR Is This A Gay Bar?
344 West 52nd Street
, New York, NY
Phone 212.315.2777
Website:
bamboo52nyc.com

Patrick does not know if this is a gay bar or not. All's he knows is that decor is very tasteful, there are frequent Sound of Music sing-a-longs and most of the people there are guys making out. You be the judge.

FOOD: Girlfriend, the Bamboo 52 sushi rolls are tast-ay, okay?! The delightful pieces of caviar are a taste explosion! (Patrick fears have caught "the gay" here)
DECOR: They have lots of potted bamboo plants that Patrick used to reenact scenes from Wild America.
SERVICE: The Newcastle flows like a nutty brown font of deliciousness.

Absolutely 4th
228 West 4th Street, New York, NY
Phone: 212.989.9444
Website: absolutely4th.com

Absolutely 4th? Absolutely. The bar's website touts the establishment as, "Greenwich Village's (who calls it that?) Favorite Sexy Bar & Lounge." Upon arrival, Patrick declares, "This is my favorite sexy bar and lounge! Sexy! Sexy! Sexy!" He is then kicked in the shins and is asked to 'simma down'.

FOOD: By this point in the evening, Patrick has taken to carrying around a box of Goldfish. When the bouncers ask him to get rid of them he pleads, "But it's snacky time...."
DECOR: Fun window-style openings at each booth allow Patrick the opportunity to conduct mini puppet shows, while "preserving the illusion."
SERVICE: Very attentive cocktail waiter is called Josh, Joe, Jeb, John, Jehosafat, and Jibly Bibbly by Patrick during the course of the night & he responds to them all.

mannahatta
316 Bowery, New York, NY
Phone: 212.253.8644
Website: mannahatta.us

Not many people know this, unless they are in-the-know (ITK), but trendy nightspot, mannahatta, has a very strict dress code:
  • NO SHRUG
  • NO SEQUINS
  • NO SERVICE
Luckily, Patrick brought them all. Hollerrrrrrrr!!

FOOD: Yes, please.
DECOR: Patrick spent the entire night calling out the page numbers of the IKEA catalog from which each decor piece was ordered. When the waitress attempted corrected him, he began singing the Swedish National Anthem.
SERVICE: Patrick says he saw a little "servicing" on his way to the bathroom. Followed by a series of lewd gestures.












Rennaisance Diner
Under Patrick's Apartment, New York, NY
Phone: 246.9873
Website: pleasemaketheroomstopspinning.com

Enter the home of late night eats for theatre trash & assorted drunkards. It is here that Patrick enjoys his staple BLT, chocolate milkshake & pickled pigs feet.

FOOD: "Hello, mommy."
DECOR:"This place got a crapper or what?"
SERVICE: "...AND NO SPIT THIS TIME!"

Aknowledgements -
PAGATSURVEY would like to thank a lot of people for their contributions to the survey. Unfortunately, these same people have threatened legal action if Patrick mentions their names or shows their images. So thaaaaanks!

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Editorial Note: Next week is the big move to Astoria, Queens, so I'm taking an Asoriatus. Good news, no posting means you have my permission not to go to work next Monday. Phew, that worked out well.

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