Sunday, July 08, 2007

iGot An iPhone!!!

Omigod, you guys! Omigod! I got an iPhone! Did you ever watch the last episode of Dallas, you guys!? An iPhone! Could you just die?!! Omigod!

It was like a dream. I totally wanted to tell you about it when I got it last week, but I didn't want to make you jealous. I know how you get.

Last Friday, I waited in line for (4) hours in the morning and it was crazy exciting! When I arrived there were (10) people in line. When I lined up and took my position as #11, I immediately felt a kinship with the people out there. You know, like we got each other, ya know?

Just then, the manager came out and said that he was cutting the line and that there were only (10) iPhones available and I was #11!!! I then caused a huge scene pleading my case that I had reserved #10's place in line when his "McGriddle (the official breakfast sammy of yours truly) wasn't sitting so well"! It was an outrage!

I had the solution. We would settle our little drama the way I always did. I then produced a bottle of Popov & a revolver (because I never leave home without them) from my knapsack and settled the dispute with a good 'ol fashioned game of Russian roulette.

I didn't die, so I got an iPhone! Weeeeee!

All the rumors you have heard are true. No, not the ones about me touring the country as back-up dancer for a drag queen, the ones about all the features this phone has!! Telephone calls, the Interweb, E-mail, Text messaging, iTunes, iMovies -but really that's just the tip of the iceberg.

iMaim
My fantasy came true! A while back I had requested a taser from you, my readers. BECAUSE I COULD DIE AT ANY TIME! Well, luckily Steve Jobs loves me more than you do, because my iPhone has a taser! Furthermore, if I see any of you selfish bastards on the street, I will iMaim you and it will iHurt, iGuarantee it.

iLaunchMissiles
The thing that is really great about the technology behind the iPhone is that it was all tested by the military and despite the cries from the Defense Department ("ooh, citizens shouldn't have access to Tomahawk missiles, boo hoo"), they kept the features on the phone! YES! I can launch missiles from my phone!

On Tuesday, I gave new meaning to "The War of Northern Aggresssion". Sorry, Tennessee.

iBidet (accessories)

When I told my dad I was getting an iPhone he says, "well what does it do, wash your butt?" While the iPhone doesn't, the iBidet (an upgrade to the outdated, laughable iDock) does. The iBidet syncs up with all of my other iProducts, so that I might enjoy them all with the certain knowledge that I have a clean ass.

iEgo
The feature that I have found to be the most useful is the iEgo function. Essentially, iEgo involves highly sensitive sensors that gauge the ego needs of the user and provides a quick compliment or pick-me-up. Let me just tell you with my ego, this puppy's working overtime! To be honest, I use the iPhone most of the time to have a computerized, dreamy Rose McGowan tell me how big my biceps look. ...and if I'm having a particularly off day, she shows me her tittays!!! God bless technology!

AND THEN, JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THE iPHONE COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER...

I woke up and realized I actually have a Nokia circa 1997. Dammit! It's enough to make you want to shoot JR yourself!






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GWGG Capitol Recap
- Paying Attention So You Don't Have To

The latest Congressional bill as presented by Rep. Robert Ingersol (R-SC), courtesy of my collegeues at O-SPAN. Democracy works, man!!

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