Sunday, June 17, 2007

Like It's Your Last

Now, I don't know if 'ol Blue Eyes really is the original source of this quote. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's not, but I needed a nice picture to start this blog -So just drop it, okay?!!

Sorry, I'm a little worked up. You see, for the longest time, I thought this was a positively bullshit quote. Then this weekend I really stopped and thought, "holy feck, what if this is my last day?!" A massive panic attack ensued, and I began sucking my thumb while rocking uncontrollably in the fetal position for the next two days.

Following what I like to refer to as "my good cry", I realized this isn't a doomsday scenario. "This isn't a doomsday scenario, Patrick." I reassured myself. This was an opportunity. An opportunity for greatness.

Immediately, I got started doing all those things that I had been putting off or had always wanted to do...

I love peanut butter. I mean, I really love peanut butter. Usually, I eat 3 -4 peanut butter sammys a day. Partially because the protein enables my enormous guns to maintain their virtually unhuman girth. But more than that, I find it's perfect blend of sweet 'n salty to be absolutely irresistible.

"Man, if I could, I would just cover myself in peanut butter."

You know what? I could. I can. I did. ...and it was everything I had hoped it would be.

Andie MacDowell is what the kids call, "talent-free." I don't know what it is about her, but I find her profoundly irritating. It's probably that she's Southern.

Regardless of the reason, I am seizing the day and kicking off my Andie MacDowell hate mail campaign. If you'd like, you're welcome to participate. Here, I'll even get you started:

Dear Ms. MacDowell,

You are crappy. You almost completely ruined 4 Weddings & a Funeral when you...... [you fill in the rest]

[sign name here]
Letters can be sent to:

Andie MacDowell
c/o Elite Model Management
404 Park Avenue South, 9th floor
New York, NY 10016

My life is missing a critical piece, a taser.

When I'm sitting at home alone, in the dark, on Saturday nights I love watching COPS. Over and over when I watch this program, the COPS comment that they only use their tasers as a last resort.

Assuming that today is it, I need to get a taser and use it as my FIRST resort.

I'm walking down the street and someone does a deadstop in front of me -TASER!! I hold the door for someone and the person doesn't say 'thank you' -TASER!! Someone doesn't laugh at one of my hilarious knock, knock jokes -DOUBLE TASER!!!!

Each second is precious; I got no time for bullshit.

I have always wanted a pet bear like the one on that show, Gentle Ben. Gentle Ben really was an impressive ambassador for the bear community. He proved that man and bear could get along famously.

As a result, I would like a bear. Since today could be my last day, I think it is important that we get cracking on this immediately. I found a website where I could get one for roughly 12,000 British pounds. I think that works out to around $72 large American. Now I don't have 72k, so I'm counting on you to get this for me.

Don't be a cheap bastard. I could be dead by tomorrow.

I am really excited by the new direction this philosophy has taken me. If I keep this up, I will either be in jail or mauled by Christmas. Carpe Diem!!


GWGG Holiday Wishes:

Dear Dad,



No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails