Sunday, June 24, 2007

Conversations With Jersey

So this weekend, my buddy, the boyishly gorgeous, Colin Donnell (pictured -goatee & earring sold separately) was starring as Nick Massie in the 'ol Jersey Boys skit. Being the cheap bastard good person that I am, I awoke at the crack of dawn to secure student rush tickets.

"But Patrick, how can this be? You are not a student. You graduated from the prestigious Syracuse University in 2001?"

Why yes, yes I did. Since that time I have been using this sexy ID (click upon it and bask in my machismo! was it good for you? yeah, you're welcome -your money's on the counter.) to craft an elaborate ticket scalping campaign that has made me rich! RICH I TELL YOU! Mwwwaaahhhhh hhahah! Mwaha! Mwah! Ha!

The thing that I can't stand about these student rush lines is that they are inevitably chock-full of unattractive socially inept people (USIPs). And you know how I feel about that.

Me, I'm not so much the morning person. However, my commitment to scalping greatness (and supporting a friend, yada, yada, yada...) supersedes this, so I press on despite said obstacles.

In the line, there is an older fellow who is quite the Chatty Cathy, who has made it his mission to involve everyone around him in conversation. At today's performance, the role of Chatty Cathy will be played by this guy:

So Chatty Cathy, goes on spewing all this touristy bullshit about the "the Big Apple" because he's from New Jersey and he "knows the city." With every sentence, I become more annoyed / agitated. Then, I breathe. The following scene ensues....

ME: (fresh faced and inquisitive) Have you seen this show before?

CHATTY CATHY: No, but I'm a music teacher from New Jersey so I know all the songs already. (I don't even know what that means.)

ME: Really? Would you sing me one of the songs?

CC: [CHATTY CATHY BEGINS SINGING 'SHERRY'. I TRY NOT TO VISIBLY CRINGE.]

ME: [SINCERELY] Wow, that was incredible! I have never heard such a glorious tone. Are you a castrato?

CC: [CHATTY CATHY CHUCKLES] No, no, I just have a wide range. Are you a student?

ME: Yes, I go to the Joyous Conclusion Massage School.

CC: Hmmm, I've never heard of it.

ME: Yeah, it's pretty exclusive. Can I have a piggy back ride?

...it is at this point in the show that I hopped on his back and the interaction digressed into a brawl.

Well! Everyone freaks out and calls the 5-0. When New York's Finest show up, wouldn't you know it the USIPs side with Chatty Cathy!! Figures.

Well, I got off with a stern warning not to attempt to receive piggy back rides from people who do not wish to give them. But the lesson didn't end there.

I single-handedly ended the student rush for Jersey Boys.

So much for my scalping enterprise. I should've just gotten the Sunday Times.

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Fashionista Focus


Will someone buy me this shirt? I think I need a yellow (lemon) shirt. I am a size S/M. Thaaaanks.

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