Sunday, May 20, 2007

On Parenting

Yum! Doesn't breast milk sound delicious?! ...Sorry I get sidetracked by tittays.

This weekend I was taking my regular stroll up to the Upper West Side with my roommate discussing pies.

"How can they really charge $25 for a pie?" Joey inquired.

"Well, they're artisan pies," I replied.

All of the sudden, this fat, 10 year old fecker comes out of no where, runs up with one of those clapper noisemakers and starts screaming and slapping it in our faces.

I then begin uncontrollably shitting myself.

When we look around for the parents they are ten yards ahead of us complete unaware of trespasses their little bastard had trespassed against us!

After scurrying home to clean to doo-doo out of my britches, I got to thinking to myself that the problem isn't these stupid kids, its straight-up bad parenting.
Patrick Garrigan:
On Parenting

If there is anything I can't stand it is people griping about how difficult things are. Especially, when it pertains to something as positively easy as parenting. In an effort to help whiny, inept parents I have created a series of guidelines. Well, get readin'....

On Babies

A lot of my friends are starting to have babies. Most of them are understandably nervous. Friends, let me put your minds at ease: babies are easy. I mean really look at that dopey "shocked and bald" expression they all have [see horrifying picture to right]. That being said, follow these quick pointers and you'll be all set.
  1. Change their diapers at least once a week. Evidently, they don't have the good sense to go to do it themselves.
  2. Don't drop them. Not as resilient as they look.
  3. If they cry, hook them up to a teet. Any teet will do.

On Discipline & Correction

Growing up in my household there was a lot of love. However, if you messed up there was a spankin' coming your way (and not that good kind that I now have to pay for). Kids these days have no respect, no respect at all. How do you discipline them? In the age of political correctness, spanking just is not acceptable. So I offer an alternative:

Zap 'Em 4000 - Cattle Prod
As for me and the kids, nothing says, "I mean business, mister," quite like a cattle prod. And check out these features!!!
  • Sure grip handle -good for when they're trying to run away.

  • Delivers power with thumb or trigger buttons -trigger button? fuckin' A!!! this thing rules!

  • Brass tips for "positive shock" -see, bringing something positive to negative re-enforcement.

On Feeding & Exercise

They say that poor eating habits are what is leading to the Obesity Epidemic (which is frankly, the least scary epidemic I have ever heard of). Eh, whatev.

Don't give me your "diabetes" or your "severe health problems," let the damn kids eat whatever the hell they want. I think our disproportionate amount of fat kids is what makes this country great.

So give those chubby cherubs another round of McGriddles (the official breakfast sammy of Patrick Garrigan) by virtue of being born in this great land, they deserve it. And, honestly, doesn't our little friend here look sooooo cute in his diaper-pullups? Jessss, you do. Huwugggy-boo! If only I could find him a matching bra.



So here's what I say, go have a kid or something, follow my pointers precisely and BAM! you have just reared an excellent contributor to society. You know, like me.

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EDITORIAL NOTE:
How much do you love the Baby Talk cover? To read about the drama it caused click here.

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