Thursday, May 10, 2007

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Garrigan Says jetBlue in Dog House


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Press Contact:
Helen, 212.802.8149


NEW YORK, NY - May 14, 2007
Direct from the New York Office of Patrick Garrigan, jetBlue, the official airline of Patrick Garrigan, has been placed on probation. In his statement, Garrigan cited consistent disappointment in overall service of the discount airline as the reason for the move.

"Nothing filled me with more joy than to fly on that airline," Garrigan wistfully remembers. "For me, it wasn't just the Terra Blue, cute lil' teevee's, or them free headphones. -No, it was the people. ..and these people have done me wrong. "

Mr. Garrigan went on to include a blow by blow recount of the offenses the airline had committed against him. The list included the following:

  • "You trapped my ass in Vegas. Leaving me to rot in that armpit on the national holiday dedicated to celebrating my contributions to mankind, St. Patrick's Day."

  • "When checking in on my most recent flight to Chicago, your Frenchie Davis* lookalike counter attendee person made me walk 20 feet away to throw my old bag tags away rather than putting them in the trash can right in front of her."

  • "What is with that random ass shuttle I have to use to get to that shit-trailer-of-a-terminal you got out there at JFK?"

  • "HOW DARE YOU take away my right to watch the Bravo! marathons of the West Wing on my flights!?" [Best efforts were made to inform Mr. Garrigan that jetBlue has no control over Bravo programming choices, to no avail. -Helen]

  • "You lost my luggage and when it was finally recovered (48) hours later my very rare collection of porn literary works had been stolen!"
Garrigan even moved on to thinly veiled threats while taking questions from the press. "I don't don't know if those folks over there at 'the Blue' know this, but I blog. Yeah, I'm a blogger. I have an army of blog readers that include my mother and... uh, others. Suffice it to say, with a single click of my mouse, I hold the divine power to shape the economic decisions of.... my mother, and... um, errr, others.... Next question."

Patrick conceded that changes had been implemented, but he remained skeptical. "I understand they fired that dumb bastard of a CEO they got over there. But you know how the old saying goes: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me more than that and I'm going to have to seriously review where all this shaming & fooling is originating from."

When asked if he would ever book with the airline again, Garrigan concluded: "Listen, this is probation, we've been through too much for me to throw it all away now. They have one more shot. Love me or loose me. Now peace out, you punk asses."

*FULL DISCLOSURE: Last summer at Vintage, Frenchie Davis spilled not one, but two glasses of chardonnay on Patrick and never apologized -either time. He has not forgiven her.

###

GWGG Holiday Wishes:

Dear Mom,

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Love,
PG

No comments:

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails