Monday, May 28, 2007

Happy Memorial Day!


Hello, friends. I hope you are having a wonderful Memorial Day. On this day, don't forget to say thanks to our men & women in the Armed Forces both past and present. Even with something as simple as, "thanks for doing what you do."

While we may disagree on the policies that put them in harms way, it is a tremendous sacrifice that these people put forth and for that they deserve our respect and admiration.

I'm taking a little respite this week, to rehydrate from the painful, oppressive NYC heat, but I'll be back next week. In the meantime, have a hamburger for me.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

On Parenting

Yum! Doesn't breast milk sound delicious?! ...Sorry I get sidetracked by tittays.

This weekend I was taking my regular stroll up to the Upper West Side with my roommate discussing pies.

"How can they really charge $25 for a pie?" Joey inquired.

"Well, they're artisan pies," I replied.

All of the sudden, this fat, 10 year old fecker comes out of no where, runs up with one of those clapper noisemakers and starts screaming and slapping it in our faces.

I then begin uncontrollably shitting myself.

When we look around for the parents they are ten yards ahead of us complete unaware of trespasses their little bastard had trespassed against us!

After scurrying home to clean to doo-doo out of my britches, I got to thinking to myself that the problem isn't these stupid kids, its straight-up bad parenting.
Patrick Garrigan:
On Parenting

If there is anything I can't stand it is people griping about how difficult things are. Especially, when it pertains to something as positively easy as parenting. In an effort to help whiny, inept parents I have created a series of guidelines. Well, get readin'....

On Babies

A lot of my friends are starting to have babies. Most of them are understandably nervous. Friends, let me put your minds at ease: babies are easy. I mean really look at that dopey "shocked and bald" expression they all have [see horrifying picture to right]. That being said, follow these quick pointers and you'll be all set.
  1. Change their diapers at least once a week. Evidently, they don't have the good sense to go to do it themselves.
  2. Don't drop them. Not as resilient as they look.
  3. If they cry, hook them up to a teet. Any teet will do.

On Discipline & Correction

Growing up in my household there was a lot of love. However, if you messed up there was a spankin' coming your way (and not that good kind that I now have to pay for). Kids these days have no respect, no respect at all. How do you discipline them? In the age of political correctness, spanking just is not acceptable. So I offer an alternative:

Zap 'Em 4000 - Cattle Prod
As for me and the kids, nothing says, "I mean business, mister," quite like a cattle prod. And check out these features!!!
  • Sure grip handle -good for when they're trying to run away.

  • Delivers power with thumb or trigger buttons -trigger button? fuckin' A!!! this thing rules!

  • Brass tips for "positive shock" -see, bringing something positive to negative re-enforcement.

On Feeding & Exercise

They say that poor eating habits are what is leading to the Obesity Epidemic (which is frankly, the least scary epidemic I have ever heard of). Eh, whatev.

Don't give me your "diabetes" or your "severe health problems," let the damn kids eat whatever the hell they want. I think our disproportionate amount of fat kids is what makes this country great.

So give those chubby cherubs another round of McGriddles (the official breakfast sammy of Patrick Garrigan) by virtue of being born in this great land, they deserve it. And, honestly, doesn't our little friend here look sooooo cute in his diaper-pullups? Jessss, you do. Huwugggy-boo! If only I could find him a matching bra.



So here's what I say, go have a kid or something, follow my pointers precisely and BAM! you have just reared an excellent contributor to society. You know, like me.

----
EDITORIAL NOTE:
How much do you love the Baby Talk cover? To read about the drama it caused click here.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Garrigan Says jetBlue in Dog House


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Press Contact:
Helen, 212.802.8149


NEW YORK, NY - May 14, 2007
Direct from the New York Office of Patrick Garrigan, jetBlue, the official airline of Patrick Garrigan, has been placed on probation. In his statement, Garrigan cited consistent disappointment in overall service of the discount airline as the reason for the move.

"Nothing filled me with more joy than to fly on that airline," Garrigan wistfully remembers. "For me, it wasn't just the Terra Blue, cute lil' teevee's, or them free headphones. -No, it was the people. ..and these people have done me wrong. "

Mr. Garrigan went on to include a blow by blow recount of the offenses the airline had committed against him. The list included the following:

  • "You trapped my ass in Vegas. Leaving me to rot in that armpit on the national holiday dedicated to celebrating my contributions to mankind, St. Patrick's Day."

  • "When checking in on my most recent flight to Chicago, your Frenchie Davis* lookalike counter attendee person made me walk 20 feet away to throw my old bag tags away rather than putting them in the trash can right in front of her."

  • "What is with that random ass shuttle I have to use to get to that shit-trailer-of-a-terminal you got out there at JFK?"

  • "HOW DARE YOU take away my right to watch the Bravo! marathons of the West Wing on my flights!?" [Best efforts were made to inform Mr. Garrigan that jetBlue has no control over Bravo programming choices, to no avail. -Helen]

  • "You lost my luggage and when it was finally recovered (48) hours later my very rare collection of porn literary works had been stolen!"
Garrigan even moved on to thinly veiled threats while taking questions from the press. "I don't don't know if those folks over there at 'the Blue' know this, but I blog. Yeah, I'm a blogger. I have an army of blog readers that include my mother and... uh, others. Suffice it to say, with a single click of my mouse, I hold the divine power to shape the economic decisions of.... my mother, and... um, errr, others.... Next question."

Patrick conceded that changes had been implemented, but he remained skeptical. "I understand they fired that dumb bastard of a CEO they got over there. But you know how the old saying goes: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me more than that and I'm going to have to seriously review where all this shaming & fooling is originating from."

When asked if he would ever book with the airline again, Garrigan concluded: "Listen, this is probation, we've been through too much for me to throw it all away now. They have one more shot. Love me or loose me. Now peace out, you punk asses."

*FULL DISCLOSURE: Last summer at Vintage, Frenchie Davis spilled not one, but two glasses of chardonnay on Patrick and never apologized -either time. He has not forgiven her.

###

GWGG Holiday Wishes:

Dear Mom,

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Love,
PG

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Sleepytime

Once upon a time....

There was this guy named Patrick. He kept himself busy and stuff. You know, like going to see skits, taking walks to the Upper West Side while his laundry was drying, and going to bars that were within walking distance of his apartment.

One day the weather got nice out -in the 70's and such. Patrick had long ago declared Autumn was the official season of Patrick Garrigan. So when the weather turned warm Patrick grew sad.

"Patrick why are you so sad?" friends would ask.

Patrick then proceeded to rattle off a litany of things he found disdainful about the summer:

"People stand too close to me, I get sweaty, the subway is disgusting, too many tourists, my electricity bill is astronomical, douchebags pop their collars, it takes too long to get a table at Blockheads..."

"Patrick you're an asshole." they replied.

Patrick punched them in the nose.

Upon further reflection, Patrick decided that he would not participate in summertime this year. Instead he reasoned he would create a bunker and sleep all summer. Patrick had never created a bunker before. How does one go about making a bunker?

He did not know.

So instead he just got really drunk, hooked himself up to a "waste removal device" (which is considerably more difficult when you're drunk), and slept till October.

The End.

---

GGWG Holiday Wishes

Dear Mexicans,
Congratulations on your victory over the French. This round is on me.
Love,
PG

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