Monday, April 09, 2007

Something for the Ladies

"Patrick, I just can't believe that you're single."

These are the not so uncommon words uttered whenever people learn of my bachelorhood. Frankly, their shock is understandable: dashing good looks, rapier wit, well endowed....ego. I can hardly believe it myself.

As I see it, the reason that my relationships have been unsuccessful up to this point, is that I have been unable to find a woman with those specific character traits that might compliment my own. Until now.

Today, I proudly unveil the official GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Yes, ladies, yes. Please stop screaming, I can hardly hear myself type. Much like eHarmony (except minus the science, credibility & concern for others), I will test you with (10) comPATibility components to see if you are indeed a match for, well, me. The rules are simple, as all the questions can be answered with either TRUE or FALSE response. Alright, grab and pen and paper, ladies. Lets get started.

FITNESS
1.) TRUE or FALSE. I might enjoy sharing a caramel macchiado with a person who refers to their arms as "guns" or "pythons" and/or invites me to "the gun show" or a "meeting with the snake handler."

PERSONALITY QUIRKS
2.) TRUE or FALSE. It doesn't, "fucking give me the creeps," when one refers to themselves in the 3rd person as "Daddy."

POP CULTURE
3.) TRUE or FALSE. A man who IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT / CREATED the office pool for America's Next Top Model , is positively irresistible due to his unique grasp of current pop culture trends.

HOPES & FEARS
4.) TRUE or FALSE. I find it completely understand -able that my significant other might have a palpable, crippling fear that puppets, dolls, dummies and the like will come to life in the middle of the night and attempt to kill him.

ACHIEVEMENT
5.) TRUE or FALSE. Nothing would fill me with a greater sense of pride than to be on the arm of the man who was once the 1990 Caledonia, Ohio Lip Sync Champion.

CHILD REARING
6.) TRUE or FALSE. I firmly believe that "popping out a rug rat" so that my mate has someone to do his laundry & the dishes is a perfectly good reason to have kids.

NIGHT ON THE TOWN
7.) TRUE or FALSE. My idea of the perfect evening is curling up with some chamomile tea, popping Ever After in the VCR and just "havin' a good cry."

HEALTH & WELLNESS
8.) TRUE or FALSE. I would like to spend a significant amount of time with a person who is afflicted with lactose intolerance resulting in extreme flatulence; because I agree with his assertion that gas is simply Nature's way of saying "yum, that was delicious."
[hint: At the time of this writing, I am on a bus home from Boston, consumed too much cheese at cocktail hour, and my seatmate has buried her face in her jacket.]

PERSONAL HEROES
9.) TRUE or FALSE. It is not gay at all to have a heterosexual man crush on Hugh Jackman.

CONNECTION TO YOUTH
10.) TRUE or FALSE. At 27 years of age, I find it totally acceptable for a grown man to have a stuffed animal collection that includes: Grouchy, Mojo, and Mr. Jingles. Totally.


TALLYING YOUR SCORE
Congratulations! You have just completed the official GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Now, take a moment to tally up your TRUE's & FALSE's and we'll see what we've got.

Tallying your FALSE's
If you answered FALSE 1-10 times, then you are a cold, heartless battle axe who will probably end up dying alone; only to be discovered when the repugnant stench of cat bile and your rotting corpse seeps under the door, causing the neighbor's dog to repeatedly throw up.

Let's check in on the TRUE's, shall we?

Tallying your TRUE's
If you answered TRUE 10 or more times, you are probably a fag hag my soul mate! We are destined to share a beautiful future together. Please send your picture and measurements immediately to: greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com. No fatties, please.

Maybe there's a reason I'm single after all.

3 comments:

Ryan said...

Aw, Mojo the Helper Monkey. I see he still wears his tag. Good monkey.

Fatty Mc Neckmeat said...

OMG! I checked ALL of the TRUES!!!

But I'm just a little fat.

Not, like, walrus or manatee or anything. Jeez, no! LOL x 10000!!!

But, like, just a little fat around my neck area. And only around my neck area. That's cool, right?

I love your blog!! It makes me forget about my fat neck!!

Anonymous said...

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