Sunday, April 29, 2007

Knock, knock. Who's there? FITNESS.

Alright kids, its time to take Patrick's fitness aptitude test. It's really easy. Take off your clothes and stand in front of a full length mirror. (or utilize the one you had installed on your ceiling -bowm, chicabowow.) Now, ask your self the following question:

"Would I want to make sweet, sweet love to me?"

Chances are, if you're not me, the answer is no.

As per usual, I know what you're going to say, "Patrick, I may not be in the best shape, but I feel good about myself, and I'm ready to jump into the summer feeling beautiful!" Well I ain't Oprah, and I'm here to tell you that you look a mess.

Fortunately for you, I have just prepared a comfy seat for you at my training table. So get ready to make a splash this summer with Patrick's Workout Plan.

Lookin' Good = Feelin' Good
The key to feeling good while you workout is looking good. In this vein, every piece of workout attire should include one or more of the following:

1.) spandex: it will accentuate all of your short-comings which will either motivate you to greatness or send you in a downward spiral of depression unlike anything you've ever experienced. -Good Luck!

2.) deep purple: I wore ONLY deep purple all through middle school and it really worked for me.

3.) sweatbands / headbands / ankle weights: You know why? 'Cause you're a badass. That's why.

4.) a thong worn on the outside of the outfit: Who doesn't need a little sexy, sexy, eh?

As a good rule of thumb, if you don't look like you belong in the picture to the above, then you need to reevaluate what you are wearing.

Pumping Iron
Gyms can be really intimidating. Boy, don't I know it. The key is finding a gym that meets your fitness goals in an environment where you feel comfortable. Shop around. For instance, the gym I chose asked me the following questions:

Can you spend 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week, to improve your quality of life?

Would you rather exercise in an environment designed especially for women?

Would encouragement from other women help you reach your fitness goals?

Have you tried or considered other fitness clubs and just never found one that felt right for you?

Have you ever wished for a fitness program that was "doable" and fun?

Are you ready to amaze yourself?

Oddly enough, I answered yes to every single question and discovered that my gym was Curves.

Now you can find me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 6:30pm - 7:00pm pushing myself to new levels of fettle excellence.

You know what is probably more important than the earth-shattering changes I've made to my physique? The friendships. Like Susan, Shelly, and Barb (pictured here from left to right).

Oh, sure we may have our fights. Like the time I told Barb she bench presses like a girl. Or that one run-in I had with Shelly, where I told her an "occasional purge" might help her reach her goals faster. But on whole, I really think I've found my health & wellness home. Right, girlfriend?!

You Are What You Eat
It has been said, "The body is a temple." I don't know what this means because I haaaaaate metaphors. Here's what I do know. Trust the food pyramid you learned as a kid. If you don't remember it, make up one of your own.

Grains: (1) 40 oz. container of Budweiser

Oils: (1/2) bottle of vegetable oil to cook eggs

Nuts: (3) peanut butter sandwiches

Meats: (1) packet of beef flavored ramen noodles

Vegetables: (2-4) cups of coffee

Fruits: (10) whipped cream covered strawberries

Cacao: (1) Kit Kat bar

Dairy: (2-4) string cheese sticks

See? Was that so difficult? Weight Watchers can kiss my ass.

If you follow my plan precisely, in just a matter of weeks you'll be looking like my friend here. Shhh, don't speak.

You're welcome.


EDITORIAL NOTE: Success stories, testimonials, accolades and general thanks can be sent to:

Please include "YOU CHANGED MY SAD EXISTENCE" in the subject line.


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