Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Dream Vacation

With summer quickly approaching, people just love to tell me all about how excited they are for their upcoming vacations.

"Oooh, I am going to spend (5) fabulous days, and (4) sinful nights sunning my pasty ass on the beaches of Bora Bora."

I try to feign interest but the fact remains, these vacations all sound so shallow to me. You work hard all year only to go and blow your proverbial wad in some second-rate tropical resort where you have a 60-75% chance of being sold into slavery. I expect better from you. Yes, you.

"You just think you have it aallll figured out. Dontcha, you smug little punk?"

Well, for starters, I don't like your tone. But, yes, yes I do have it all figured out. My idea of the dream vacation?

The Bill Clinton Pilgrimage


Now, I don't want to get into politics today, but Bill Clinton is the best president of my lifetime. If you don't agree, you are probably an idiot and I have no use for you. That being said, please follow along as I lay out the dream scenario for my trip.

June 8th -
MY BIRTHDAY
Around 2:40pm, I fake a hacking cough, put ketchup in my tissue, tell my boss that, "I fear I may have caught the consumption and must leave immediately in a steadfast effort to keep the office TB-free." (in a Cockney accent, of course) From there, I depart the midtown offices, for LGA via the seven 7's of Dial 7 car service.

By 4:40, I am on US Airways flight 1627 taxiing my way off to sunny.....
Little Rock, Arkansas
Home of the
William Jefferson Clinton
Presidential Library & Museum

After a nauseating connection in Charlotte, NC, I arrive in Little Rock. Helen, dear that she is, had called the President in advance to inform him of my visit. In a really classy gesture, he sends his Secret Service motorcade to drive me to the Wyndham Riverfront Little Rock. While it is the nicest hotel in town, I find the hotel reminiscent of a Ford dealership.

Upon arrival, I find that Bill had upgraded me to the Presidential Suite (natch). When I make it up to my room I discover a bottle of Veuve and a note:
Dear Patrick,

Sorry I couldn't make it to personally welcome you. Enjoy the champagne and please don't bang any skanks here, this is my favorite suite.

Warmest regards,
Bill
Positively touching. Inspired (and drunk), I decide to go to sleep in order to gear up for tomorrow's spiritual journey, WJC: The Presidential Library.

June 9, 2007 -
THE PILGRIMAGE CONTINUES
Excited to tackle the day, I hop into my in-room jacuzzi, enjoy a cup of coffee and a healthy portion of Eggs Benedict. "How could such a delightful breakfast dish, be named after such a treacherous man," I ponder. Pruney, I get out of the tub, flex in the mirror, and get dressed in my Sunday best.

When I step out of the hotel, I find the official WJC Presidential Library passenger van waiting outside to take me to the Library. While hardly luxury transport, the courtesy is "nice."

I am then whisked away to that gleaming trailer on the hill and I am awestruck. It is shiny.

As I walk to the front door a very official looking man with an ear piece approaches me. "Sir, will you follow me, please."

"Shit,I really am going to go to jail for that tax thing, aren't I?" I am filled with dread as I follow him down a long corridor. At the end of the hall who is there, but Bubba himself!

"But, but I thought you said you couldn't make it!" I shout.

"No, I said don't bang any skanks in my favorite suite," he replies.

"OH, YOU!!!"

Bill then proceeds to take me on the most magical (3) hour tour since the SS Minnow set sail.

Upon finishing the tour, Bill and I swing by Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits, the official hangover cure of Patrick Garrigan, and enjoy a spicy (6) piece meal and some quality time.

Hours fly by like seconds as we discuss the Middle East Peace Talks, the squandering of budget surpluses & goodwill, and most importantly, his inspiration for the thumb gesture I like to do.

This, like all good things must come to an end, and I'm shuttled back to my hotel- weeping uncontrollably. It was, however, a truly remarkable day, I conclude with certain finality.

June 10, 2007 -
THE RETURN
Early the next morning I am on my flight back home. Oh, sure people who go on Caribbean vacations come home with delightful tans and illegitimate children; but I have memories and that will never fade -or ask for child support.

-------
EDITORIAL NOTE: I really do want to take this trip. As a good "reporter" found that I could take the trip outlined here for about $600. Hollerrrrrrr!

1 comment:

Sami said...

You need to revise your trip to include the Bill Clinton store that is under an overpass as you exit the parking lot of the Presidential Library! Everyone needs a bobble head Bill to make their collection complete. They weren't amused by my suggestion to sell George Bush toilet paper in the least.

Also if you are going to the bother of taking the cross country jaunt to Little Rock you must stop by Hope, Arkansas....THE BIRTHPLACE OF BILL CLINTON. It is a hop, skip and a jump from Little Rock. Make sure to stop by the McDonalds where they pay the proper respect to their hometown boy. No trip would be complete without risking life and limb to stand under the sign that announces that Hope is the birthplace of Bill Clinton on the side of a highway. Wear hip waders as it's a bit swampy. Might I suggest one item to pack as you venture to the south. A can of roach spray for your hotel room. It is the south you know. Now excuse me while I go drink my coffee from my Bill Clinton coffee mug purchased in Hope last year.

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