Sunday, April 29, 2007

Knock, knock. Who's there? FITNESS.

Alright kids, its time to take Patrick's fitness aptitude test. It's really easy. Take off your clothes and stand in front of a full length mirror. (or utilize the one you had installed on your ceiling -bowm, chicabowow.) Now, ask your self the following question:

"Would I want to make sweet, sweet love to me?"

Chances are, if you're not me, the answer is no.

As per usual, I know what you're going to say, "Patrick, I may not be in the best shape, but I feel good about myself, and I'm ready to jump into the summer feeling beautiful!" Well I ain't Oprah, and I'm here to tell you that you look a mess.

Fortunately for you, I have just prepared a comfy seat for you at my training table. So get ready to make a splash this summer with Patrick's Workout Plan.

Lookin' Good = Feelin' Good
The key to feeling good while you workout is looking good. In this vein, every piece of workout attire should include one or more of the following:

1.) spandex: it will accentuate all of your short-comings which will either motivate you to greatness or send you in a downward spiral of depression unlike anything you've ever experienced. -Good Luck!

2.) deep purple: I wore ONLY deep purple all through middle school and it really worked for me.

3.) sweatbands / headbands / ankle weights: You know why? 'Cause you're a badass. That's why.

4.) a thong worn on the outside of the outfit: Who doesn't need a little sexy, sexy, eh?

As a good rule of thumb, if you don't look like you belong in the picture to the above, then you need to reevaluate what you are wearing.

Pumping Iron
Gyms can be really intimidating. Boy, don't I know it. The key is finding a gym that meets your fitness goals in an environment where you feel comfortable. Shop around. For instance, the gym I chose asked me the following questions:

Can you spend 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week, to improve your quality of life?

Would you rather exercise in an environment designed especially for women?

Would encouragement from other women help you reach your fitness goals?

Have you tried or considered other fitness clubs and just never found one that felt right for you?

Have you ever wished for a fitness program that was "doable" and fun?

Are you ready to amaze yourself?

Oddly enough, I answered yes to every single question and discovered that my gym was Curves.

Now you can find me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 6:30pm - 7:00pm pushing myself to new levels of fettle excellence.

You know what is probably more important than the earth-shattering changes I've made to my physique? The friendships. Like Susan, Shelly, and Barb (pictured here from left to right).

Oh, sure we may have our fights. Like the time I told Barb she bench presses like a girl. Or that one run-in I had with Shelly, where I told her an "occasional purge" might help her reach her goals faster. But on whole, I really think I've found my health & wellness home. Right, girlfriend?!

You Are What You Eat
It has been said, "The body is a temple." I don't know what this means because I haaaaaate metaphors. Here's what I do know. Trust the food pyramid you learned as a kid. If you don't remember it, make up one of your own.

Grains: (1) 40 oz. container of Budweiser

Oils: (1/2) bottle of vegetable oil to cook eggs

Nuts: (3) peanut butter sandwiches

Meats: (1) packet of beef flavored ramen noodles

Vegetables: (2-4) cups of coffee

Fruits: (10) whipped cream covered strawberries

Cacao: (1) Kit Kat bar

Dairy: (2-4) string cheese sticks

See? Was that so difficult? Weight Watchers can kiss my ass.

If you follow my plan precisely, in just a matter of weeks you'll be looking like my friend here. Shhh, don't speak.

You're welcome.


EDITORIAL NOTE: Success stories, testimonials, accolades and general thanks can be sent to:

Please include "YOU CHANGED MY SAD EXISTENCE" in the subject line.


Sunday, April 22, 2007

A Rough One

In light of the VT shootings, it is fair to say that this was a rough week for just about everyone that I know. During this time it is easy to get sucked in and dwell on all that is awful in this world.

While this week was total shite, I think it is important to take a moment to contemplate the personal everyday joys that help to center us when dealing with tragedy:

  • Peanut butter sandwich and a beer

  • Playing "Danger Zone" and pretending that I am a fighter pilot who misplaced his plane
  • Doing a jig
  • Pomade and a mirror
  • Unexpected evenings
  • Touching priceless works of art when no one is looking
  • David Sedaris reading one of his stories on NPR

  • The first sip of morning coffee

  • Contemplating the next tattoo (I'm thinking Care Bears)

  • Smiling because tomorrow's gonna be better

Obviously, not your usual dose of snarkiness. But I think this week a humble smile is more where it's at. Make your own list (but don't include clowns on it) and share it with somebody. May not cure the world's ailments, but it's a nice reminder of what's good.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Dream Vacation

With summer quickly approaching, people just love to tell me all about how excited they are for their upcoming vacations.

"Oooh, I am going to spend (5) fabulous days, and (4) sinful nights sunning my pasty ass on the beaches of Bora Bora."

I try to feign interest but the fact remains, these vacations all sound so shallow to me. You work hard all year only to go and blow your proverbial wad in some second-rate tropical resort where you have a 60-75% chance of being sold into slavery. I expect better from you. Yes, you.

"You just think you have it aallll figured out. Dontcha, you smug little punk?"

Well, for starters, I don't like your tone. But, yes, yes I do have it all figured out. My idea of the dream vacation?

The Bill Clinton Pilgrimage

Now, I don't want to get into politics today, but Bill Clinton is the best president of my lifetime. If you don't agree, you are probably an idiot and I have no use for you. That being said, please follow along as I lay out the dream scenario for my trip.

June 8th -
Around 2:40pm, I fake a hacking cough, put ketchup in my tissue, tell my boss that, "I fear I may have caught the consumption and must leave immediately in a steadfast effort to keep the office TB-free." (in a Cockney accent, of course) From there, I depart the midtown offices, for LGA via the seven 7's of Dial 7 car service.

By 4:40, I am on US Airways flight 1627 taxiing my way off to sunny.....
Little Rock, Arkansas
Home of the
William Jefferson Clinton
Presidential Library & Museum

After a nauseating connection in Charlotte, NC, I arrive in Little Rock. Helen, dear that she is, had called the President in advance to inform him of my visit. In a really classy gesture, he sends his Secret Service motorcade to drive me to the Wyndham Riverfront Little Rock. While it is the nicest hotel in town, I find the hotel reminiscent of a Ford dealership.

Upon arrival, I find that Bill had upgraded me to the Presidential Suite (natch). When I make it up to my room I discover a bottle of Veuve and a note:
Dear Patrick,

Sorry I couldn't make it to personally welcome you. Enjoy the champagne and please don't bang any skanks here, this is my favorite suite.

Warmest regards,
Positively touching. Inspired (and drunk), I decide to go to sleep in order to gear up for tomorrow's spiritual journey, WJC: The Presidential Library.

June 9, 2007 -
Excited to tackle the day, I hop into my in-room jacuzzi, enjoy a cup of coffee and a healthy portion of Eggs Benedict. "How could such a delightful breakfast dish, be named after such a treacherous man," I ponder. Pruney, I get out of the tub, flex in the mirror, and get dressed in my Sunday best.

When I step out of the hotel, I find the official WJC Presidential Library passenger van waiting outside to take me to the Library. While hardly luxury transport, the courtesy is "nice."

I am then whisked away to that gleaming trailer on the hill and I am awestruck. It is shiny.

As I walk to the front door a very official looking man with an ear piece approaches me. "Sir, will you follow me, please."

"Shit,I really am going to go to jail for that tax thing, aren't I?" I am filled with dread as I follow him down a long corridor. At the end of the hall who is there, but Bubba himself!

"But, but I thought you said you couldn't make it!" I shout.

"No, I said don't bang any skanks in my favorite suite," he replies.

"OH, YOU!!!"

Bill then proceeds to take me on the most magical (3) hour tour since the SS Minnow set sail.

Upon finishing the tour, Bill and I swing by Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits, the official hangover cure of Patrick Garrigan, and enjoy a spicy (6) piece meal and some quality time.

Hours fly by like seconds as we discuss the Middle East Peace Talks, the squandering of budget surpluses & goodwill, and most importantly, his inspiration for the thumb gesture I like to do.

This, like all good things must come to an end, and I'm shuttled back to my hotel- weeping uncontrollably. It was, however, a truly remarkable day, I conclude with certain finality.

June 10, 2007 -
Early the next morning I am on my flight back home. Oh, sure people who go on Caribbean vacations come home with delightful tans and illegitimate children; but I have memories and that will never fade -or ask for child support.

EDITORIAL NOTE: I really do want to take this trip. As a good "reporter" found that I could take the trip outlined here for about $600. Hollerrrrrrr!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Something for the Ladies

"Patrick, I just can't believe that you're single."

These are the not so uncommon words uttered whenever people learn of my bachelorhood. Frankly, their shock is understandable: dashing good looks, rapier wit, well endowed....ego. I can hardly believe it myself.

As I see it, the reason that my relationships have been unsuccessful up to this point, is that I have been unable to find a woman with those specific character traits that might compliment my own. Until now.

Today, I proudly unveil the official GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Yes, ladies, yes. Please stop screaming, I can hardly hear myself type. Much like eHarmony (except minus the science, credibility & concern for others), I will test you with (10) comPATibility components to see if you are indeed a match for, well, me. The rules are simple, as all the questions can be answered with either TRUE or FALSE response. Alright, grab and pen and paper, ladies. Lets get started.

1.) TRUE or FALSE. I might enjoy sharing a caramel macchiado with a person who refers to their arms as "guns" or "pythons" and/or invites me to "the gun show" or a "meeting with the snake handler."

2.) TRUE or FALSE. It doesn't, "fucking give me the creeps," when one refers to themselves in the 3rd person as "Daddy."

3.) TRUE or FALSE. A man who IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT / CREATED the office pool for America's Next Top Model , is positively irresistible due to his unique grasp of current pop culture trends.

4.) TRUE or FALSE. I find it completely understand -able that my significant other might have a palpable, crippling fear that puppets, dolls, dummies and the like will come to life in the middle of the night and attempt to kill him.

5.) TRUE or FALSE. Nothing would fill me with a greater sense of pride than to be on the arm of the man who was once the 1990 Caledonia, Ohio Lip Sync Champion.

6.) TRUE or FALSE. I firmly believe that "popping out a rug rat" so that my mate has someone to do his laundry & the dishes is a perfectly good reason to have kids.

7.) TRUE or FALSE. My idea of the perfect evening is curling up with some chamomile tea, popping Ever After in the VCR and just "havin' a good cry."

8.) TRUE or FALSE. I would like to spend a significant amount of time with a person who is afflicted with lactose intolerance resulting in extreme flatulence; because I agree with his assertion that gas is simply Nature's way of saying "yum, that was delicious."
[hint: At the time of this writing, I am on a bus home from Boston, consumed too much cheese at cocktail hour, and my seatmate has buried her face in her jacket.]

9.) TRUE or FALSE. It is not gay at all to have a heterosexual man crush on Hugh Jackman.

10.) TRUE or FALSE. At 27 years of age, I find it totally acceptable for a grown man to have a stuffed animal collection that includes: Grouchy, Mojo, and Mr. Jingles. Totally.

Congratulations! You have just completed the official GWGG ComPATibility Quiz. Now, take a moment to tally up your TRUE's & FALSE's and we'll see what we've got.

Tallying your FALSE's
If you answered FALSE 1-10 times, then you are a cold, heartless battle axe who will probably end up dying alone; only to be discovered when the repugnant stench of cat bile and your rotting corpse seeps under the door, causing the neighbor's dog to repeatedly throw up.

Let's check in on the TRUE's, shall we?

Tallying your TRUE's
If you answered TRUE 10 or more times, you are probably a fag hag my soul mate! We are destined to share a beautiful future together. Please send your picture and measurements immediately to: No fatties, please.

Maybe there's a reason I'm single after all.

Please Stand By

So I wrote a delightful post full of mirth & wit only to have my wireless connection crap out causing me to lose the entire post. Luckily, I have a photographic memory from my time in Special Ops, so I'll repost the exact same entry when I get home later tonight. My apologies.

In the meantime please check out this week's Gestures of Greatness. Become inspired by Chuck.

ALSO, if you'd like to receive e-mail alerts letting you know when I post a new tale of gumption email me @ with SUBSCRIBE in the headline and I'll put you "on the list." Isn't it good to be "on the list?"


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