Sunday, March 18, 2007

Breaking News

In the busy day to day, it is very difficult to stay abreast of the latest breaking news. Luckily, you have a loyal blogger like me to update you on the week's happenings.


VALERIE PLAME STILL REALLY FECKING HOT



WASHINGTON, DC - Mar. 16, 2007
Congress confirms that Valerie Plame is indeed still hot. Congressman John Yarmuth (D-KY) succinctly summarized: "I'm going to lay it plain, Spy + Hotness = Hot Spy. 'Nuff said."


GARRIGAN HAIRLINE RECEDES 1/10" FROM 2006



NEW YORK, NY - Mar. 13, 2007
Health & Beauty: Scientists at Bosley Hair Restoration Systems have confirmed that Patrick Garrigan's hairline has receded (1/10) of an inch from 2006. A surprised Garrigan responded, "I really never saw this coming. I feel like I practice a positive hair regimen. You hear about this stuff on TV, but you never think it will happen to you."


JETBLUE CANCELS 200+ FLIGHTS: TRAVELERS REJOICE



LONG BEACH, CA - Mar. 15, 2007
JetBlue, the official airline of Patrick Garrigan, cancelled over (200) flights into JFK on Friday. The cancellations were extensive and included flights out of armpit cities like Las Vegas and Richmond. Angry travelers were delighted.

"So often when I travel, I get to where I'm going in an efficient and timely manner. Where's the fun in that?" comments bi-annual traveller, Marge Mangold. "Cancellations like these really are great opportunities for me to make loud, annoying calls complaining to friends and relatives while I wait in line," Mangold explains. "The best part for me is when I get to the front of the line. From there, I get to yell and make disparaging comments to someone for something they have absolutely no control over. That, to me, is what's truly satisfying."


'I AM BULLETPROOF,' SAYS ROVE



WASHINGTON, DC - Mar. 14, 2007
"Straight up gangsta, I am bulletproof." says Karl Rove. In light of recent Justice Department firings over alleged political motives, Mr. Rove is unphased. "Sheeit, if dem muthafuckas couldn't get me for Iraq, Katrina, WMDs, Abu Ghraib, Abramoff, OR Valerie Plame; firing a bunch of punk ass bitches at DOJ ain't shit." Rove's future, however, seems uncertain as the Democratic controlled Senate and House now holds subpoena power and is threatening to use it. "You tell Pelosi to fuckin' bring it. I'm Scarface, Al Capone, and John Gotti all rolled into one. Rat-tat-tat-tat."


ST. PADDY'S TOURISTS DESCEND ON BOSTON



BOSTON, MA - Mar. 17, 2007
In celebration of St. Patrick's Day hundreds of thousands of underaged college students descended on Boston to engage in a day-long binge drinking fest. Boston, the most Irish state in the union, boasts quite the celebration. "Oh, sure Chicago can turn their river green," mocks Boston Mayor Thomas Menino "But here in Boston our streets run a frothy greenish brown with the vomit of visiting college students, and what can compare with that?" When asked to elaborate Mayor Menino pumped his fist and replied, "Chug a lug! Chug a lug!"



And that my friends, is all the news that's fit to print. Aren't you glad you don't read newspapers anymore? Till next week, I'm Patrick Garrigan, reporting from New York. Good night.

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In other news, if you're looking to hear some ditties Monday night check this out:



For more info about the ditties check out Rob's site or Playbill.

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