Saturday, March 31, 2007

GWGG: An Open House

Why hello there! Thank you so much for coming to my open house! What's that? The place looks lovely? Oh, thank you. And if I may say so, that is a delightful pearl necklace. Oh, and you brought wine. Ooooh, what a scrumptious pinot noir, let's open this now shall we? Well, you're here, please let me show you the new digs.

Starting in the foyer here, you'll find we have a new blog header. I changed the font to Engraver MT, much like our national currency. You see, I'm very metaphorical and I think this font is a good representation of me. The metaphor here being, "I'm all about the Benjamins, Mofo." But you probably knew that already.

Just below this you'll find the new GWGG mascot, "Fat Boxer Guy." As I see it,"Fat Boxer Guy" is a brilliant representation of greatness through gumption. I mean really, he's fat. He's just going to get the shit kicked out of him. That's gumption.

On down the column, my, what's this? A new picture? That's an attractive chap. Oh, wait, that's me. [Foppish laughter ensues]. How embarrassing. Pressing on.

And we're walking, and we're walking. Ah, yes. I'm very proud of this new addition. Gestures of Greatness. As an art lover, I'm dedicating this little space to decorate my walls. Each week, I encourage readers to submit pictures of greatness (greatness in: humor, the macabre, schadenfreude, irony, stupid shit, etc.) If you have a piece of artwork you'd like to share please e-mail me and I will post the best pic of the week here. If you don't, then I'll have to steal some bullshit off the interweb and hang it here. To start it off I have placed Kristian Hargis' Clown #4. In this drawing Kristian wholly captures the horror that is clowns. Well done, Kristian, well done.

What's that? Where's my link list? Why it's right here silly. Top of the list (natch) we've got a delightful icon of the patrickgarrigan.com website. Oh, me....

Next is my MySpace page. Never has such a delightful tool been created to so thoroughly stalk your friends and your friends' friends and your friends' friends' friends. And for that, I'm happy to post it here.

Following this is the CNN Political Ticker. This link represents my complete lack of varied news input.

Oooh, then we've got Wonkette. I encourage you NOT to follow this link as I shamelessly steal from them and by clicking on this link you will reveal me as a sham. You wouldn't want to do that would you?

Yeah, and there's a google link.

Over the mantle we've hung the Archives of Gumption. I just love to accessorize. Don't you? Isn't it sexy the way it's laid out? Go ahead, click on an arrow, you know you want to. Was it good for you?

If you'll follow me into the cellar we've got the Google AdSense addition. You see, I think I'm going to owe money on my taxes this year. How am I going to pay for it? You're going to click on whatever link Google puts on my page, then they're going to send me a big fat check, that's how. Right now I believe we've got an ad for Katrina relief. You should probably click on that. What? Don't you care about relieving Katrina victims? You heartless bastard.

Well, we appear to be at the end of our tour and I've polished off your bottle of pinot noir. So now I'm shitfaced and need to go search for porn. You must excuse me. Thanks for coming by. We must get together again soon.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Boredom, It's A Dangerous Thing

For the first time in (2) months I didn't have to go anywhere this weekend. It really has been a pretty crazy couple of months, but enjoyable to be sure. At the very least my travels gave me something to write/complain about and that's pretty great in and of itself.

"I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself having this weekend free. Yuck, yuck, yuck," I joked to friends and co-workers. However, it wasn't long before I realized I really didn't know what to do with myself. By early Friday evening a profound boredom had set in. From there I entered what can only be defined as a "death spiral." Well, here, I documented the whole thing for you, you'll see.

UPDATING MY MYSPACE HEADLINE

FRIDAY, 9:00PM - It all started innocently enough, updating my social life via myspace. However, when I unconsciously posted the headline, "Drowning in sea of boredom. Be mericful. Please shoot in face," I began to get the feeling that things might not be quite right.

TO DO: MUST CUT ARMPIT HAIR - TOO SWEATY

FRIDAY, 3:00AM - I have always been a sweater, but when it's 3:00am and you leap out of bed to cut your armpit hair in an effort ward off "the sweaties," again, something just ain't right.

"MY LITTLE BUTTERCUP"

SATURDAY, 10:00AM - By Saturday morning a delusional state, far beyond normal, had set in. Somehow, I had procured a germ costume and began performing "My Little Buttercup" on a loop for (12) hours.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND

SATURDAY, 11:00PM - This was it. I had snapped. I had to escape my apartment. I just had to. "IT'S WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO!" I rushed to one of my local watering holes, Bamboo 52, to see if a little socialization might cure what ailed me. It was too late. The boredom had rendered me psychologically unsound. At this point, I became convinced that I was being attacked by French pirates, and unleashed a fury of chicken-wing elbow punches. Suffice it to say I crushed them scalliwags!


Overreacting? Maybe. I just don't know. I could always just take up crocheting.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Breaking News

In the busy day to day, it is very difficult to stay abreast of the latest breaking news. Luckily, you have a loyal blogger like me to update you on the week's happenings.


VALERIE PLAME STILL REALLY FECKING HOT



WASHINGTON, DC - Mar. 16, 2007
Congress confirms that Valerie Plame is indeed still hot. Congressman John Yarmuth (D-KY) succinctly summarized: "I'm going to lay it plain, Spy + Hotness = Hot Spy. 'Nuff said."


GARRIGAN HAIRLINE RECEDES 1/10" FROM 2006



NEW YORK, NY - Mar. 13, 2007
Health & Beauty: Scientists at Bosley Hair Restoration Systems have confirmed that Patrick Garrigan's hairline has receded (1/10) of an inch from 2006. A surprised Garrigan responded, "I really never saw this coming. I feel like I practice a positive hair regimen. You hear about this stuff on TV, but you never think it will happen to you."


JETBLUE CANCELS 200+ FLIGHTS: TRAVELERS REJOICE



LONG BEACH, CA - Mar. 15, 2007
JetBlue, the official airline of Patrick Garrigan, cancelled over (200) flights into JFK on Friday. The cancellations were extensive and included flights out of armpit cities like Las Vegas and Richmond. Angry travelers were delighted.

"So often when I travel, I get to where I'm going in an efficient and timely manner. Where's the fun in that?" comments bi-annual traveller, Marge Mangold. "Cancellations like these really are great opportunities for me to make loud, annoying calls complaining to friends and relatives while I wait in line," Mangold explains. "The best part for me is when I get to the front of the line. From there, I get to yell and make disparaging comments to someone for something they have absolutely no control over. That, to me, is what's truly satisfying."


'I AM BULLETPROOF,' SAYS ROVE



WASHINGTON, DC - Mar. 14, 2007
"Straight up gangsta, I am bulletproof." says Karl Rove. In light of recent Justice Department firings over alleged political motives, Mr. Rove is unphased. "Sheeit, if dem muthafuckas couldn't get me for Iraq, Katrina, WMDs, Abu Ghraib, Abramoff, OR Valerie Plame; firing a bunch of punk ass bitches at DOJ ain't shit." Rove's future, however, seems uncertain as the Democratic controlled Senate and House now holds subpoena power and is threatening to use it. "You tell Pelosi to fuckin' bring it. I'm Scarface, Al Capone, and John Gotti all rolled into one. Rat-tat-tat-tat."


ST. PADDY'S TOURISTS DESCEND ON BOSTON



BOSTON, MA - Mar. 17, 2007
In celebration of St. Patrick's Day hundreds of thousands of underaged college students descended on Boston to engage in a day-long binge drinking fest. Boston, the most Irish state in the union, boasts quite the celebration. "Oh, sure Chicago can turn their river green," mocks Boston Mayor Thomas Menino "But here in Boston our streets run a frothy greenish brown with the vomit of visiting college students, and what can compare with that?" When asked to elaborate Mayor Menino pumped his fist and replied, "Chug a lug! Chug a lug!"



And that my friends, is all the news that's fit to print. Aren't you glad you don't read newspapers anymore? Till next week, I'm Patrick Garrigan, reporting from New York. Good night.

---
In other news, if you're looking to hear some ditties Monday night check this out:



For more info about the ditties check out Rob's site or Playbill.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Vegas: Color Me Disappointed

"Patrick, I don't know how this happened. We grew up pretty much poor, but somehow, somewhere along the line we became snobs." These are the remarkably astute words of my learned (and hysterical) sister, Lisa. The funniest part about her comments are that they are exceptionally true.

As promised last week, I'm bringing GGWG to you live from Las Vegas! In the lead up to this week, I was so excited. I packed my saucy, come-hither-clothes, made sure the Dolce & Gabbana cologne was in a holster at my side, readied my left hand to throw down a Hamilton (yeah, that's the way I roll) at the drop of a hat. I pictured everything all sexy and flashy, you know like on the Las Vegas TV program. I'm sorry to say, I'm disappointed.

This always happens to me. When I get excited about something I build it up in my head to the point that it WILL be the most magical experience of my life. I just KNOW it will. Then, inevitably, it falls short of my expectations, and I fall into a deep downward spiral of drunken texting. It really isn't pretty.

"Patrick! Why are you so disappointed?" you ask. Well,thanks for caring.


Here's the deal: this place is pooey.

Let's start with the people as they make up the majority of my problem here. To my middle American readers, don't take this the wrong way, but why is everyone so fat? Maybe I just take for granted that in New York everyone walks everywhere, but jeeze! To most of the clientele here sweat pants are not a fashion statement, but a modus operandi.

Then there are the locals. In my vivid imagination, I pictured voluptuous women, confidently strolling like stylish throwbacks from the 1950's. What do I get? Fake titties and melanoma (which is not a joke, always wear sunscreen).

Also, EVERYONE smells like the characters outside the liquor store on 41st and 9th. It is that stank stench of people who are not just currently drunk, but have been drunk for the past (4) days and their livers are working overtime to create the worst smell possible in a futile attempt to get their mouths to stop the intake of booze.

Moving to the casinos themselves. From friends who have made past visits, I heard nothing but tales of how the casinos are the definition of luxe design and opulence. I'm sorry, these places look like they could be broken down in a week and used in the Clarion County Players' production of Oklahoma.

"Patrick, you're just a dick," you say. I would be the first to agree. As Lisa said, somehow I became a snob. In the shattered dream of what I thought Sin City was, the fault doesn't lie in Vegas. The blame lies squarely on my shoulders. It is my overactive imagination that has, once again, set me up for a fall. It is time, as I always do, to take crap and make crapade....

They call 'em "escorts" here right?

Monday, March 05, 2007

Gone Fishin'

Hello All!

It is with a great deal of regret that I inform you, GWGG will be taking a little hiatus this week. You see, Daddy has just returned from Oakland & San Fran as part of an elaborate vacation / adventure and frankly Daddy needs to rest (..and stop referring to himself as Daddy.)

I would never leave you in the lurch. So in order to make up for this week's small breaky poo, I'll be reporting live next week from...



VEGAS, BABY!

Until then, double down. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to track down some Gatorade and Popeye's Chicken.

Much love,
PG

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails