Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Paparazzi Did This

Listen kids, Brit and I need you to respect our need for some privacy. The other day when my poor, dear Britney had them "trim it up close" those vicious paparazzi had the gall to asked her, "Britney, why did you do this?" To which she aptly replied, "Because of you." So simple and yet so succinct. And that is why I love her. Not only do I sympathize with her plight as a close personal friend, I empathize with her as a fellow celebrity. I have a unique understanding of the pressures that being in the public eye demands.

This past week, I had to fly out to Chicago to meet with my Belgian fans. While meeting with them, they kept talkin' in their fancy Belgian talk. I found it wholly overwhelming. "What were they saying?" "Were they talking about me?" You can only imagine how stressful that was, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Next I was off to DC for an appearance for MTV. Clamoring school girls, being plied with Poland Spring instead of my regular Fiji water, and lack of adequate security detail really made the trip painful. It was at this point that the pressure really started to get to me.

Upon arriving home in New York, I could see that the stress had taken its toll. I started walking the streets, slapping puppies. Now, close friends know I LOVE puppies. Why would I slap a puppy? I wouldn't. It is just another example of the crippling stress of being a celebrity. To add insult to injury I started to get sick.

The combination of stress and sickness caused me to slip further down the downward spiral -delving into drugs. Yes, each day to even function had to dope myself up with the "triple A cocktail": Airborne, Aleve and Antihistamines. I'm not proud of this fact, but sometimes when you are hurting or your nose is stuffed up you reach for whatever is close by.

Later, my drug use was paired with wild romps and trendy New York nightspots such as "The Snug" and "House of Brews" with visiting friends and dignitaries. I was spinning out of control. ..and it only got worse!

My people, who manage every element of my professional career, told me I had to be a part of some social event called "The Kolodny Bachelor Party." Before my agents could even spell out the contract to me, I was off to New Jersey playing beer pong and shooting shotguns. Yes, when firearms enter the equation you know you're in trouble. It was the final straw.

Today I have decided to step up and admit that I need to stop. The pressures of celebrity and notoriety have just been too much. So as I sit typing this, covered in Doritos crumbs, I kindly ask your patience as I bounce back from this week and the grueling costs of making the people happy.

In the meantime, I welcome your support in this tough time. I hope that I can use this time to take a nap and work to stop slapping puppies; and Britney can use this time to find a good wig. So on behalf of Brit and myself, thank you for your understanding.

FEBRURARY 20th CELEBRITY UPDATE: Good News! Britney did find a good wig!

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