Sunday, February 04, 2007

Celebrity Endorsement

You won't let people take pictures of you? Really?

Now, it is no secret that reality TV is leading to the cultural demise of America. (Bill O'Reilly and I are currently penning a book about this topic due out in Summer '07) But even worse than this pursuit of the lowest denominator, is the wave of F-list celebrities that these reality shows churn out.

Currently, I'm producing this project for work that involves the appearance of a certain cast member of Laguna Beach. I have watched this program a few times and thrown up in my mouth upon each viewing. I have nothing but utter contempt for shows like this one and the pseudo-celebrity they create.

For this event, our "celebrity" is being extremely well compensated for their visit. Yet, for the meet and greet, their agent has demanded that no pictures be taken of them to ensure that there is no implied endorsement of the location where this appearance is taking place.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but if I were being paid as much as this person is being paid, I would have my picture taken with all the participants of a Tijuana donkey act. That's just the way that I roll.

You know what? I'll take that even further. If were being paid as much as this person is being paid, I would not only appear in pictures and endorse them- Hell, I'd create the whole damn ad campaign for them. For instance:

Since jetBlue is already the Official Airline of Patrick Garrigan, this product would not be difficult to endorse. Rather, it would be an honor. My only problem with jetBlue, is that they don't always play to their strengths. Seriously, they will give you as many bags of Terra Blue chips as you want. Now, I don't know if you've ever had these chips, but they are fecking delicious. People NEED to know this. I will be happy to be the messenger.

Again, I am already a fan of Banana Republic. I really like their clothes. They are cut well and don't leave me with that dirty, Eurotrash feel that H&M so frequently does. However, in this day and age of billion dollar media budgets, good clothes aren't enough. People want to feel like they're in with the "in crowd". If people only knew about the millions of Hondurans who work so hard to make these clothes, they might feel like they were a part of something larger. Something sweaty.

All you have to do is look to the wild success of rags like US Weekly, InTouch, and yes, even People to see that America can't get enough of that celebrity gossip. They're hungry for it. Insatiable! To this end, I would put out a series of defensive ads, touting the budding romance between myself and CNN's White House correspondent, Dana Bash. In addition, I would include a multi-platform approach, sending out a series of press releases via my publicist asking that the paparazzi respect our privacy. All of America would be picturing Dana and I in passionate embrace and in turn, tune in to see if Dana was "glowing" the next day. I know! I'm a genius.

Last summer ConEd suffered a lot of bad press when their street level operating panels "allegedly" electrocuted some people's dogs. I say, shit happens, but New Yorkers freaked out. So that sucks.

As always, I'm about thinking outside the box. Most companies go breaking their necks to tell you about all the things they will do. In this case, it would be just brilliant to tell New Yorkers what they won't do. So that Joe Blow on the street will look at my ad and think to himself, "Hey, they won't shock my dog -cool." 'Nuff said.

I am a whore. I will endorse anything if you will pay me. So, if you have a product that you would like me to endorse, have your people call my people.

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