Sunday, January 14, 2007

Q & A with "The Man"

In a never ending quest to pull myself out of the lower (lower) middle-class, I recently conducted a very rare interview with The Man. This elusive character, allegedly the cause of racism, lack of upward mobility, and global inequality, was kind enough to take few moments to field my questions. Below please find the transcript of the interview:

Patrick Garrigan: First off, I really want to thank you for the opportunity to speak with you today.

The Man: Ah, don't mention it. That Helen you got there is quite a charmer.

PG: Yes, sir. I'm quite fond of her myself. Now, I know you keep an exceptionally busy schedule, so let me get right into it. How did you become The Man?

TM: Well, Patrick. It's actually a very funny story. You see I was working as an accountant at H&R Block and really just kind of stuck in a rut, you know? One day, very off the cuff, I proclaimed the the skies, "I will give my soul to Lucifer for the opportunity to rule the socio-economic-political universe!!" And wouldn't you know it, the Prince of Darkness showed up right then and there, laid out the whole soul for world domination thing and offered me the job right there on the spot! Luci and I have a good laugh about it now. He does this funny impression of me where he flaps his arms, "Waah, wah, I will give my soul..." Really just a hoot.

PG: Sounds like it. And the rest is history?

TM: ..as they say.

PG: [Thoughtfully cocking my head to the left] What is 'a day in the life' of The Man?

TM: Well, Patrick, as you said I do keep a grueling schedule. My day really runs the gambit: anything from plotting ethnic cleansing to endless deregulation to civil rights repression to maintaining economic imbalance to practical jokes like, say, evicting people or something funny like that; they all play a crucial part in my day. Oh, and wars. 2006 was great for warfare. Fourth quarter really exceeded our expectations.

You know what the best part about my job is though? That its always something different. Everyday I come into work, and I'm like, "what do we have today? You've got to oppress the downtrodden. Sweet!" You know? It's really thrilling that way.

PG: What advice would you give to my readers out there who aspire to becoming The Man?

TM: Well first off, that's a fucking stupid question. I'm The Man. That's why I have the word THE in front of my name. THE means one.

Nah, I'm sorry, I guess you're right, ultimately I will have to eternally roast in the seething rivers of hellfire and I would like to visit my grand kids in Florida, so it is something I have to consider. I guess I would say, never be afraid to try new things. Always be willing to send your ideas up the flagpole and see who salutes. It really has gotten me so far. Also, don't underestimate the power of schadenfreude. It is only when you really delight in the misfortune of others that you can truly make yourself happy. Finally, have a hobby. I enjoy gardening.

PG:Well, I think that's all the time we've got. Any final thoughts?

TM: Just keep it real, whatever you do. Keep it real. [makes me hit fists with him]

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SPECIAL DR. KING ADDITION:
In the spirit of MLK, Jr. and racial harmony, I submit the following video for your consideration. Enjoy.

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