Monday, January 08, 2007

Patrick Goes to Prison

Yep, I always knew it, at one point or another the long arm of the law would catch up to me. That day has arrived.

After a long night of revelry I returned home and read my mail only to discover that the Internal Revenue Service wishes to examine my 2004 income tax return. Evidently, there may be some discrepancy in the amount of taxes I paid (or may not have paid) on the staggering [insert embarrassingly small total income amount here] I made from my wildly successful acting career in 2004. As this investigation moves forward, one thing is guaranteed: by virtue of some unintentional and innocent mistake, I’m going to end up in prison.

In a lot of ways I had this coming. With my incessant Oz-inspired jokes about prison rape and habitually poking people with invisible knives shouting, “Shanked ya! That’s the way it happens in the big house!” It really was just a matter of time, karmically speaking, until it all caught up with me.

Always on the ready to take kool and make koolaid, I’ve decided to focus on ways that I can make this a positive experience. From what I’m told, there are good things about prison: three squares, a good weight room and plenty of time to reflect. Then there’s the flipside, the negatives. I mean let’s be honest. I’m too pretty to be in prison.

I’ve heard on day one you either need to fight someone or become someone’s bitch. However, I think by utilizing my strengths I should be able to avoid both of these options.

I’ve put together the following series of goals to get the most out of my time in the pokey:

• Work to overcome fear of public toilets

• Finally finish “New York’s Funniest Violent Offenders,” a collection of criminally humorous anecdotes.

• Hire Tyrone as my personal trainer. Get those washboard abs I was destined to attain.

• Produce backer’s audition of Shawshank Redemption: The Musical! Cast myself as Andy Duphrane. Invite the Weisslers.

• Utilize downtime to reinvigorate 2nd grade European pen pal relationship.

• Lobby state legislature for improved cable reception. Cinemax is totally fuzzy after 11:30pm, when it really gets good.

• Refine “Scared Straight” program, catering to troubled teens, by including cage fighting component. Enforce strict “two men enter, one man leaves” policy.

• Work to promote peace by settling gang disputes with West Side Story inspired dance-offs.

• Design and produce LOCKDOWN. A line of prisonwear that combines the elusive mystique of a serial arsonist, with the simple elegance of the white-collar criminal.

• Create Pokes in the Pen blog. THE go-to source for the latest in prison gossip.

It has always been my belief that is important to leave every place better than I found it. I think my implementing these goals; I can really make a positive impact on the penal system.

…I said penal.

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