Sunday, January 28, 2007


Listen, I keeps it real. It's just what I've got to do.

Throughout my theatrical career I have listened to (and even peddled) a bunch of bullshit about "the art", "the craft", "discipline", "real work", etc. When you really break it down, why do we performers do it? Well, I'll tell you. It's because we know that in the event we do get cast in a skit, we will get to write a lengthy bio about ourselves that will be displayed in a glossy program for all to view. I can think of no other occupation (but I didn't really put that much thought into it) that allows this unique opportunity for such unbridled narcissism.

And yet while this is clearly the reason we actors do it, it seems to me that my fellow thespians never take full advantage of the opportunity that lies before them. In most stock bios, actors list bunch of theatres and shows that ninety percent of the audience has never heard of followed by a bunch of faux-humble crap thanking those who got them to the place they are today. I mean, really, what a crock of shit.

There. I said it. It's out now. Let's move forward. I propose a new era in honest bio writing. An era that not only acknowledges the ego stroking involved in writing a biography, but embraces it with certain glee:

PATRICK GARRIGAN (Leading Role in Show TBD) Patrick is the shit. Just ask him, he'll tell you himself. On June 8, 1979 through some spark of divine creation he was sent to the earth to save the world from mediocre acting and hasn't looked back since. He has appeared in numerous productions. However, none of the actors in any of these productions could even come close to his level of performing excellence, so Patrick has opted not to list them here.

In addition to his performing background, Patrick is a humanitarian and philanthropist. He gives a lot of money to charities and signs posters and playbills that are then auctioned off via silent auctions. Patrick thinks regular auctions are tacky and that silent auctions are the only classy way to do it.

He doesn't like to brag, but Patrick is loaded and throws big parties for his rich friends and other celebrities. These parties are also the shit. No, you're not invited.

Patrick has a new CD that is about to drop. His CD, Patrick Sings the Standards, contains Patrick's unique stylings of American classics. Everyone who has heard this CD has said that Patrick is amazing on it and he would have to agree.

Patrick hold a BFA in musical theatre from Syracuse University. He obviously didn't need this degree, but he felt like it would be a good "character building" exercise. Since graduating, he has been offered numerous honorary doctorates from Yale, Harvard, Brown, Columbia, Cornell, UPenn, etc. but has declined them all because he hates name dropping and pretentiousness.

In Patrick's spare time (which isn't much) he enjoys hiking, discovering new bands for his record label, and making fun of old people.

Patrick would like to thank his supportive family and friends. Unfortunately, he can not do this in good conscience. You see, Patrick is a self made man. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps at an early age and only has himself to thank for his tremendous success.

For more information about how Patrick is SO much better than you, check out: Enjoy the show!

Humility has never been my forte.

1 comment:

Theodora said...

Keep up the good work.


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