Sunday, January 28, 2007

Biography

Listen, I keeps it real. It's just what I've got to do.

Throughout my theatrical career I have listened to (and even peddled) a bunch of bullshit about "the art", "the craft", "discipline", "real work", etc. When you really break it down, why do we performers do it? Well, I'll tell you. It's because we know that in the event we do get cast in a skit, we will get to write a lengthy bio about ourselves that will be displayed in a glossy program for all to view. I can think of no other occupation (but I didn't really put that much thought into it) that allows this unique opportunity for such unbridled narcissism.

And yet while this is clearly the reason we actors do it, it seems to me that my fellow thespians never take full advantage of the opportunity that lies before them. In most stock bios, actors list bunch of theatres and shows that ninety percent of the audience has never heard of followed by a bunch of faux-humble crap thanking those who got them to the place they are today. I mean, really, what a crock of shit.

There. I said it. It's out now. Let's move forward. I propose a new era in honest bio writing. An era that not only acknowledges the ego stroking involved in writing a biography, but embraces it with certain glee:


PATRICK GARRIGAN (Leading Role in Show TBD) Patrick is the shit. Just ask him, he'll tell you himself. On June 8, 1979 through some spark of divine creation he was sent to the earth to save the world from mediocre acting and hasn't looked back since. He has appeared in numerous productions. However, none of the actors in any of these productions could even come close to his level of performing excellence, so Patrick has opted not to list them here.

In addition to his performing background, Patrick is a humanitarian and philanthropist. He gives a lot of money to charities and signs posters and playbills that are then auctioned off via silent auctions. Patrick thinks regular auctions are tacky and that silent auctions are the only classy way to do it.

He doesn't like to brag, but Patrick is loaded and throws big parties for his rich friends and other celebrities. These parties are also the shit. No, you're not invited.

Patrick has a new CD that is about to drop. His CD, Patrick Sings the Standards, contains Patrick's unique stylings of American classics. Everyone who has heard this CD has said that Patrick is amazing on it and he would have to agree.

Patrick hold a BFA in musical theatre from Syracuse University. He obviously didn't need this degree, but he felt like it would be a good "character building" exercise. Since graduating, he has been offered numerous honorary doctorates from Yale, Harvard, Brown, Columbia, Cornell, UPenn, etc. but has declined them all because he hates name dropping and pretentiousness.

In Patrick's spare time (which isn't much) he enjoys hiking, discovering new bands for his record label, and making fun of old people.

Patrick would like to thank his supportive family and friends. Unfortunately, he can not do this in good conscience. You see, Patrick is a self made man. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps at an early age and only has himself to thank for his tremendous success.

For more information about how Patrick is SO much better than you, check out: www.patrickgarrigan.com Enjoy the show!

Humility has never been my forte.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Storytime

It is no wonder that kids today are underperforming. But you know what? It isn't their fault.


The blame lies in crappy children's books like the one shown here. In my recent trip to my local Barnes and Noble, I stumbled upon Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. If you have never read this book, the premise is essentially a poorly drawn, disease-ridden pigeon pleads, cajoles and annoys the reader in an attempt to be permitted to drive a bus. At the conclusion of the book the bus driver returns and thanks the reader for not letting the pigeon drive the bus. End of Story. Really. That's the end of the book. And we're all stupider for having read it.

The damage this book and others of its ilk have caused is staggering. According to statistics*, 75% of American children actually think that pigeons can talk to them. Furthermore, an additional 60% of children feel that CDL licenses should be made available to pigeons with good driving records. Unacceptable.

It is time we present our children with books that challenge them and provide the skills to understand the dangerous world around them. That being said, I offer the following children's book for your consideration.










Too soon for the clowns? Probably. I really just hate those heartless killers. Anyway, right now I'm shopping it around for a publisher. I'll let you know how it goes.



*Statistics courtesy of GARRIGAN INSTITUTE FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF MADE UP STATISTICS, LLC

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Q & A with "The Man"

In a never ending quest to pull myself out of the lower (lower) middle-class, I recently conducted a very rare interview with The Man. This elusive character, allegedly the cause of racism, lack of upward mobility, and global inequality, was kind enough to take few moments to field my questions. Below please find the transcript of the interview:

Patrick Garrigan: First off, I really want to thank you for the opportunity to speak with you today.

The Man: Ah, don't mention it. That Helen you got there is quite a charmer.

PG: Yes, sir. I'm quite fond of her myself. Now, I know you keep an exceptionally busy schedule, so let me get right into it. How did you become The Man?

TM: Well, Patrick. It's actually a very funny story. You see I was working as an accountant at H&R Block and really just kind of stuck in a rut, you know? One day, very off the cuff, I proclaimed the the skies, "I will give my soul to Lucifer for the opportunity to rule the socio-economic-political universe!!" And wouldn't you know it, the Prince of Darkness showed up right then and there, laid out the whole soul for world domination thing and offered me the job right there on the spot! Luci and I have a good laugh about it now. He does this funny impression of me where he flaps his arms, "Waah, wah, I will give my soul..." Really just a hoot.

PG: Sounds like it. And the rest is history?

TM: ..as they say.

PG: [Thoughtfully cocking my head to the left] What is 'a day in the life' of The Man?

TM: Well, Patrick, as you said I do keep a grueling schedule. My day really runs the gambit: anything from plotting ethnic cleansing to endless deregulation to civil rights repression to maintaining economic imbalance to practical jokes like, say, evicting people or something funny like that; they all play a crucial part in my day. Oh, and wars. 2006 was great for warfare. Fourth quarter really exceeded our expectations.

You know what the best part about my job is though? That its always something different. Everyday I come into work, and I'm like, "what do we have today? You've got to oppress the downtrodden. Sweet!" You know? It's really thrilling that way.

PG: What advice would you give to my readers out there who aspire to becoming The Man?

TM: Well first off, that's a fucking stupid question. I'm The Man. That's why I have the word THE in front of my name. THE means one.

Nah, I'm sorry, I guess you're right, ultimately I will have to eternally roast in the seething rivers of hellfire and I would like to visit my grand kids in Florida, so it is something I have to consider. I guess I would say, never be afraid to try new things. Always be willing to send your ideas up the flagpole and see who salutes. It really has gotten me so far. Also, don't underestimate the power of schadenfreude. It is only when you really delight in the misfortune of others that you can truly make yourself happy. Finally, have a hobby. I enjoy gardening.

PG:Well, I think that's all the time we've got. Any final thoughts?

TM: Just keep it real, whatever you do. Keep it real. [makes me hit fists with him]

###

SPECIAL DR. KING ADDITION:
In the spirit of MLK, Jr. and racial harmony, I submit the following video for your consideration. Enjoy.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Patrick Goes to Prison

Yep, I always knew it, at one point or another the long arm of the law would catch up to me. That day has arrived.

After a long night of revelry I returned home and read my mail only to discover that the Internal Revenue Service wishes to examine my 2004 income tax return. Evidently, there may be some discrepancy in the amount of taxes I paid (or may not have paid) on the staggering [insert embarrassingly small total income amount here] I made from my wildly successful acting career in 2004. As this investigation moves forward, one thing is guaranteed: by virtue of some unintentional and innocent mistake, I’m going to end up in prison.

In a lot of ways I had this coming. With my incessant Oz-inspired jokes about prison rape and habitually poking people with invisible knives shouting, “Shanked ya! That’s the way it happens in the big house!” It really was just a matter of time, karmically speaking, until it all caught up with me.

Always on the ready to take kool and make koolaid, I’ve decided to focus on ways that I can make this a positive experience. From what I’m told, there are good things about prison: three squares, a good weight room and plenty of time to reflect. Then there’s the flipside, the negatives. I mean let’s be honest. I’m too pretty to be in prison.

I’ve heard on day one you either need to fight someone or become someone’s bitch. However, I think by utilizing my strengths I should be able to avoid both of these options.

I’ve put together the following series of goals to get the most out of my time in the pokey:

• Work to overcome fear of public toilets

• Finally finish “New York’s Funniest Violent Offenders,” a collection of criminally humorous anecdotes.

• Hire Tyrone as my personal trainer. Get those washboard abs I was destined to attain.

• Produce backer’s audition of Shawshank Redemption: The Musical! Cast myself as Andy Duphrane. Invite the Weisslers.

• Utilize downtime to reinvigorate 2nd grade European pen pal relationship.

• Lobby state legislature for improved cable reception. Cinemax is totally fuzzy after 11:30pm, when it really gets good.

• Refine “Scared Straight” program, catering to troubled teens, by including cage fighting component. Enforce strict “two men enter, one man leaves” policy.

• Work to promote peace by settling gang disputes with West Side Story inspired dance-offs.

• Design and produce LOCKDOWN. A line of prisonwear that combines the elusive mystique of a serial arsonist, with the simple elegance of the white-collar criminal.

• Create Pokes in the Pen blog. THE go-to source for the latest in prison gossip.

It has always been my belief that is important to leave every place better than I found it. I think my implementing these goals; I can really make a positive impact on the penal system.

…I said penal.

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