Sunday, December 30, 2007

See You Next Year

Well kids, 2008 is nearly upon us. It is safe to say that since we last chatted about the burgeoning pen pal-manship between Dominic Carter and myself, I have been busy wearing my holiday lady sweater and consuming copious amounts of New Castle's Nutty Brown Deliciousness. As a result, I am going to take this week to sober up reflect on 2007: celebrate the fact that I didn't end up going to prison and give all those cougars a jingle to see if they would like enjoy some "brunch" (even I don't know what that means). So have an incredible New Year. And remember, wear your sexy underpants tomorrow. You just never know....

###

GWGG Holiday Wishes:


Happy resolvin' ya punk asses!

Love,
PG


Sunday, December 23, 2007

A Christmas Miracle

















Much like George Bailey himself, I thought it was going to be a pretty rough Christmas this year.

First off, last Saturday I went to my friend Dan & his wife Erica's anniversary party to celebrate their first year together, and to thank me for attending they poisoned me (and 8 other guests) with food. I spent the next few days puking, pooing and eating toast. All of which sucked.

Next, I went to see Sweeney Todd and had to stab an old guy for talking loudly to his ugly wife during the film. "I didn't pay $10 to hear your shit commentary you 'oul feck." [shank]

Finally, this morning when I went to eat my Honey Bunches of Oats, we were out of soy milk. And I haaaaaate it when we're out of soy milk for my Honey Bunches of Oats! I began an uncontrollable tantrum. Christmas looked pretty bleak.

Then, I went to my Blogger Dashboard to salvage some sort of holiday cheer in the form of staggeringly high page views, only to find that I had a new comment ...from Dominic Carter!

I little while back, you may recall, I confessed that I utilize my downtime to write fan mail to NY1's Inside City Hall host, Dominic Carter. (If you don't recall, click here and you can do all the recallin' you need to do.) In this posting, I lamented that despite my thoughtful kudos, I had not received any word back from Mr. Carter and had all but given up hope -until today! A Christmas Miracle!

"
Hello Patrick:

This is Dominic Carter from NY1.

I am so sorry, you haven't received a response from me, but upon a google search, this is the first I have seen of your letter to me. Somebody, (a staffmember) is not doing a good job of getting my mail to me. (smile)

Happy Holidays, and thanks for watching Inside City Hall, and showing interest in my book, "No Momma's Boy."

Take Care"

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus, and thy name is Dominic Carter. While I may not have mentioned his new book "No Momma's Boy" in my earlier correspondence, my ongoing quest to blatantly ignore my family's holiday gift list requests means they're all getting copies of the book. So well played, Mr. Carter. Well played, indeed.

That's my Christmas Miracle. My hope for you is that you find your own. I wish you, your family, your (29) disease-ridden cats, your blow-up doll, Margo, or whatever you hold near and dear to your, uh, heart the best of the season.

----
EDITORIAL NOTE: I am pretty sure the comment is real. Which makes me smile, because I genuinely think Inside City Hall is the shit. To check it out for yourself, go here.


Sunday, December 16, 2007

2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

Whizbang! With the Christmas season is upon us, I can't help but ask the really important question.... What are all those celebrities up to, hmm?

This week I really wanted to share exciting tales of how my fancy, celebrity New York friends spend their holidays. However, as I scanned through the contacts in my phone, I realized I didn't "know" any celebrities. In fact, the only numbers I had were for assorted theatre trash, whores & places that sell pie.

Upon this disappointing realization, I thought to myself, "who needs real celebrities, when there is a city out there full of people who look like celebrities!" And with this, I proudly announce, back by popular demand:

The 2nd Annual Holiday Tourist Pictorial: Celebrities Are Just Like US

To all of you out there who have no idea what the feck I'm talking about, last year I took the streets 'round these holiday times to take pictures of tourists taking pictures. Well, this year GWGG is back out hitting the pavement -this time my goal was to clandestinely-ish get my picture taken with tourists who look like celebrities doing holiday things -just like US!!!

Let's see what tourists-who-kinda-look-like-celebrities were up to this Sunday, shall we?

They Go Window Shopping with Their Wives

WILFORD BRIMLEY was spotted window shopping at the "Stinky Bits Parfumarie" on 48th & Broadway with his wife, Lynne. As we strolled up to Mr. Brimley to take this picture, I overheard him comment to his wife, "'tasty way to do it' my ass, these Quaker Oats are tearin' up my colon." He then used his tongue to snag a French fry caught in his mustache.



They Get Hammered Alone in Hotel Bars Wearing Silly Hats

Guess who was seen getting smaaaaaashed in the Marriott Marquis lobby bar, kids? Designing Women's own DELTA BURKE, that's who! Delta was spotted in the Broadway Lounge, tip to toe in designer attire. From her sparkley KMart Santa hat to her pink 'A Taste of New York' sweatshirt, she looked radiant as she peered over a glass pyramid she had created using (10) drained martini glasses. Ever the gracious belle, she even offered to take me up to her room to show me her "holiday trimmings."



They Eat Elves Take in the 75th Annual Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

The camera-shy, yet irrepressible SALLY STRUTHERS was caught (gasp) standing in line outside New York's famed Radio City Music Hall. Ever crazy-eyed, Struthers confided to Gumption as she pulled chicken wings from her pocket, "I come here every year. It's sort of a tradition. My favorite part is the little person elves. They are just sooo cute. I want to just take a few of them home with me. ...and keep them in my basement and feed them table scraps and make them put lotion on, you know, like Silence of the Lambs, and then when time is right, harvest their skin to make a magical elf coat. That's how much I love this show." She was immediately wrestled to the ground by Music Hall security and nearby traffic cops.


They Take Dumps in Public Toliets & Then Pose For Holiday Photos in the Charmin Toliet Thingy

"I'VE GOTTA DROP A DEUCE!" proclaimed a distressed BILL GATES Sunday in Charmin's Times Square Pop-Up Restrooms. After relieving himself Mr. Gates confided, "having more money than God is a blessing and a curse. Blessing: I can build an apartment made entirely of glass. Curse: Toilets shouldn't be made of glass. [cringe] That's why I love this place. I gotta tell ya, these restrooms are real nice. They clean them after every use and that TP is like a pillow for my bum-bum." Following this exchange, he had his Christmas card picture taken with a virtual UN of adopted children on a plastic sofa next to me.


They Eat Hot Dogs From Unsanitary Carts

After a long day of Christmas shopping, LYNDA CARTER was spotted outside Legally Blonde, enjoying a hot dog. Still "Super" after all these years,
Lynda was quick to charm when we stumbled into her in Midtown. "Oh, I love "hotdogging" around New York this time of year. I "relish" every second I get to spend here. While this Nor'easter makes it difficult to keep my "buns" toasted, being in the city is an excellent opportunity to "ketchup" with old friends.

I may have thrown up all over her white coat.


Jeepers! (Tourists-who-look-like) Celebrities really are like you and me! Validate your sad little existence? Thought so.

But wait, there's more!

Who Wore It Better???
As I was out & about collecting pictures with the rich & famous, who did I run into? None other than Senate Minority Leader / closeted homosexual Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and he was wearing my coat. Celebrities = everyday people. Who knew? But here's the real question. Who wore it better?
























Simply click on the YES or NO below relating to the the following question, "Did Patrick Wear the Coat Better Than Sen. McConnell?" One click you get to see democrazy in action. We may never know why only 37% of 18-24 year olds voted in the 2004 presidential election, but boy-o you get instant answers to the important questions here. Yay America!



Well, that was fun. It looks like Christmas came early this year. Tune in next week where we'll discuss how Jessica Alba's highlights will impact the naming of her unborn baby. As always, don't sue me tourists. See you next year. Ciao!

---
EDITORIAL NOTE: The hard-hitting work illustrated above could never have been captured without the assistance of Salli, Katharine & the entire CrapOle family. Their commitment to excellence in finding tourists who sorta look like famous people if you squint real hard is a true inspiration to people everywhere.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Dept. of The YouTubes - India is Sexy, Sexy

Knowledge is power. ...and I LOVE POWER!!! Mwaaahh hahahahahaha!

It is my unbridled desire for POWER that served as the impetus for my wildly successful Where in the World??? series, where I alphabetically teach myself about the countries of the world. Recently, I wrapped up Iceland where I learned that the adorable puffin is commonly used to make a scrumptious quiche. Delish!

Now an Iceland expert, it's time for India!


I like India. Their flag kinda looks like the Irish flag -except with a trippy blue wheel on it, so, ummm, that's neat. As I studied the fair land, I learned that their chief exports are jewellery, engineering goods and the magic of the performing arts.

Given my love for the performing arts & desire to provide you with the best in quality Indian music & dance, I spent the entire week scouring the YouTubes to bring you (2) of the finest pieces of art ever created.


Benny Lava [YouTube]

"Some day I'll sell DNA." You won't find those lyrics in "Gimme More," will ya? Nope.

Oh, I gotta tell you, that video got me a little hot. Especially, during the "I'd like to swim in it, I'd like to swim in it" bit. What with those no-so-foxy dancers & their matching pastels. It was all just so naughty. I had this overwhelming urge to have a lot of sex with numerous anonymous strangers!

Luckily, the India Department of Exports has a very popular PSA video that combines the magic of dance with a message of personal responsibility. Enjoy.


Condom Song [YouTube]

Best part of that clip? The (4) frames of random gay sex. Just like a Disney film.


Alright... Alright! I lied! There is no Where in the World??? series. I just really wanted an excuse to share those videos. I'm sorry. I couldn't continue the facade any further. All the same, I know you'll forgive me. Why? Because I think we can all agree that a life without having seen a dancing Indian condom, is a life half lived.


TO DO: TRY TO STOP BEING A HEARTLESS BASTARD

Just a reminder, Helen & I are participating in the 19th Annual New York Cares Coat Drive. If you have a new or gently used coat, please donate it at one of the locations listed here through the entire month of December. Or, shoot us an e-mail at greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com we'll make arrangements to pick 'em up. That was easy.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Worst Christmas In New York...


...is still better than the best Christmas where ever the hell you live! Zing! Seasons Greetings!

This weekend my lil' sis, Lise (pictured), was visiting as part of the annual Garrigan Holiday Summit. Essentially, the summit is a delightful period where the Garrigan cousins get hammered & attempt to hold conversations with the elder members of the clan to decidedly mixed results.

As Lise, her boyfriend, John & I toured the city, taking in the seasonal highlights & the city's first snow, I was overcome by what can only be described as joy. This joy moved me to do great, thoughtful things such as telling a stranger that she was standing on a used condom and holding the door for an ugly person -both of which I would normally never do.

The more I was filled with joy, the more I realized that I'm probably better than you - if you don't live in New York, that is. Listen, don't get all pissy. I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

The city does a lot of things really, really well. You know, like, making pot accessible (I've heard), minimizing interpersonal contact & controlling the poor. But it doesn't do anything better than it does Christmas! Here, let me prove it!

OUR BABY JESUS KICKS YOUR BABY JESUS' ASS


Each year, across the country in crappy towns much like your own, millions of Christmas enthusiasts stage live nativities. As shown here, this ghetto cresh has been judged and found wanting: wise(wo)man 1 ate Baby Jesus, wiseman 2 comes baring the gift of a 40, and wiseman 3 greets the Heavenly King donning a Notre Dame hoodie, Isotoners, & a roadside repair kit full of pennies.

To which New York replies... (make sure you turn up the volume for full effect!)



Fireworks Exploding! Snow Around You Blowing! Half-Naked Dancing Girls! Live Camels & Assorted Livestock! If you really love Christmas, then step up your production values, assholes.

SAY IT IN LIGHTS!

Nothing says 'I Love the Season of Giving' more than stringing up the 'ol holiday lights. Growing up in Ohio, I used to just love to troll about my Rust Belt Village, and take in lighting displays such as...


How depressingly magical, yes?! Yes. Well, New York's Time Warner Center, never to be outdone, heeds the chaaaaaalleeeeeennnge!


...and answers back with (12) huge fecking stars to create a multi-million dollar, choreographed display featuring lights & the sounds of the season, and complimented with the Buying Expensive Gifts for Your Friends & Family Will Make Up for the Fact Your Emotionally Inaccessible Gift Wrapping Station! Wowsa, that's Christmas to me!

WINNING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS


First off, how cute is this picture? I just want to give them all a big hug & then go knock over a 7-11. Ahhh, kids. Adorable as they are, they illustrate an important point. Each year the war begins to put the Christ back in CHRISTmas. New Yorkers have generally adopted the blanket, "Happy Holidays" greeting, much to the chagrin of religious folk. Why do we do it? 'Cause we hate religion? No! We do it because we're lazy AND elitist! Yaaaay!

New York is a delightful melting pot representing a variety of religions & cultures who coexist in relative peace. Tailoring your seasonal greeting to each person you meet requires "the asking of questions" and "the pretending you actually give a shit about the religious practices of someone other than yourself". Snoozefest. Say "Happy Holidays" and you've got yourself covered. So you see, that's why we do it. ...that, and we know it pisses off Middle America, and we think that's funny.


Well, I hope this little side-by-side comparison has filled you with both holiday cheer & feelings of inadequacy. Yes, I think my work here is done. Happy Holidays!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Department of Cop Outs: Thankful


Woo, Daddy wiped from the ol' holiday weekend, so we're gonna have to keep this snappy.

As soon as I stepped on New York soil, fresh off yet another repugnant bus trip in from Boston, I immediately began self-medicating and now find myself drunk on power & a magnum Yellow Tail shiraz-cabernet. In my current stupor, I've decided to spew a holiday cop out posting of things that I'm thankful for:
  • That I am cut like a diamond.
  • A near universal appreciation of the musical, Newsies.
  • My friends at Wonkette's outstanding coverage of Cocktober.
  • The North won the War of Northern Aggression. What with it bein' all titular and stuff.
  • My crazy ass family, who reminds you: "It ain't dinner unless someone leaves the table in tears."
  • Another Thanksgiving, another opportunity to watch Scrooged.
  • Most importantly, I'm thankful for you -especially when we spoon.
Ah yes, thankfulness & (16) empty cans of Natty Ice surround me as I wrap up this holiday weekend. So much so I've decided to warm the cockles of my icy, barely beating heart to give to others.


Once again, I'm participating in the 19th Annual New York Cares Coat Drive. If you have a new or gently used coat, please donate it at one of the locations listed here through the entire month of December. Or... if your stuffy, pashmina-wearing ass can't make it to a delivery location, shoot me an e-mail at greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com and I will be happy to (send my army of minions) pick them up from you! Zoinks! I'm helpful.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Hollerrrrr Wordzzzz!!! LOLZ!!!

Why, hello! I didn't see you there. I'm glad you're here, I've got something to share with you.

As an active student of the linguistic process, I recently stumbled upon UrbanDictionary.com. Now, I don't know if you have ever visited this site on the internets, but it is a splendid land where the urban and/or slang verbiage is explained to cracker-ass honkys like myself.

One fine afternoon, my search began as I was trying to discover what "spitting game" meant. I found the following:

Spit Game

To use charm, wit, humor, or other means to verbally let a female know that you are interested in her.

Often includes compliments and other forms of flattery that will hopefully end in a phone number which leads to a date, which leads to hot sex.

Hot sex!!!?? Holy banana bread, sign me up!!!But the lesson doesn't end there. They then go on to use the phrase in context. I mean how else are we going to learn, right? Exactly how does one go about spitting game?
Guy: "Hello miss, my name is _____, very nice to meet you. How you doing tonight?"
Girl: "I'm _____. Good thanks."
Guy: (out loud) "You're looking very beautiful if I may say so"
Guy: (to himself) 'Man I wanna fuck this chick! She got some big tittays!'
Girl: "Awww...thanks"
Jeepers! That was helpful! But what are these tittays of which they speak?

Tittays

Nice tits, perfect shape with perfect cleavage
Normally said about a girl that is good looking and has the whole package
Can also be used in place of female when talking about the future

"Katie has some nice ass Tittays"
"I'm gonna get me some Tittays tonight"

"Tittays, I see some nice ass TITTAYS"
Mmmm, I like tittays. Thanks UrbanDictionary! But wait, there's more! Just when you thought you were "hip to the jive;" you think you've learned all the super-savvy urban chatter? Pa-shaw! You've just begun, chap!


Hit the random button in the upper left hand header and you have just signaled on to the Autobahn of the slang super highway! Beep! Beep! What pit stops might you find in your travels?
FUF - Fat Ugly Friend; one usually has a FUF to make them feel better about themselves.
manarrhea - diarrhea from a man's butt.
and my personal favorite...
MySpace - A place for whores. Initially intended as an online system of staying in touch or re-connecting with old friends, My Space has grown into a compendium of 18 year old Southern California Paris Hilton worshipping attention starved idiots and asexual boys in women's jeans with more product than a salon. Lately, the circus has grown to include lots of half naked flexing bros with bad tribal tattoos and horrible pick up lines, as well as a large influx of internet-ebonics speaking idiots who cannot seem to properly use a keyboard without accidentally hitting the CAPSLOCK button or number keys in their sentences.
I FEEL SO MUCH SMARTZ!! Isn't the interweb a magical place?! You know they're so right, knowledge is power. Bless you Al Gore & your fantastical world of information through the air & telephone cables! Long live the WWW

Monday, November 12, 2007

Breaking: STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!











BREAKING NEWS!

In case you haven't heard, the Broadway stagehands union, Local One, struck this week causing the lights to go out on some (27) Broadway theatres -much to the disappointment of overweight tourists & their equally fat / stupid kids.

When Local One was asked to comment on their reason for striking, the union issued the following statement:




While their message made no fucking sense was not entirely clear, their infectious dancing & a charismatic Christian Bale, swayed many onlookers to their cause.

Day 2 was a far more somber occasion as the organization tended to their picket lines for yet another day. However, on this day the picketers were joined by the hot new pop group, Kids 'n Cans.



Unions throughout the city have stepped up to provide support and encouragement. None quite so vigorously as that of the Actors Equity Association, the union of professional actors & stage managers. Equity member Bill Pullman, has been particularly vocal in his support for the strike. In fact, his efforts have made him quite the favorite among striking hands.



When will it end? No one knows for sure and currently no future talks are slated. What we can be sure of is that it will end with a large production number. Insiders speculate that the strike will most probably culminate with Michael Bloomberg driving through Times Square in a handsome carriage dressed as Teddy Roosevelt. However, at the time of this posting these reports have not been confirmed.

Um, if you have never seen Newsies, none of this shit will make any sense to you. And for that, I'm moderately sorry-ish. Reporting live from Midtown, I'm Shazia Khan.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Me No Smart No More


I am stupider. I can feel it. My brain does not work well. As well. At all. Me dumber with flashing photo story box. I think of time me make read of letters grouped & make brain picture. Sometimes on interwebzz screen sometimes on thin cut up treez. I talk letter groups to people about events on globe. All that gone. Where it go?

Lucidity briefly falls and I remember a different time. A time before I got cable....


Yes, folks there was a period when all I needed was The Peacock, The Eye & Whatever the Fuck ABC's Symbol Is. It was a simpler time: a time when I just got my new couch; a time when I curled up with my current lady friend; a time when I was black.

All that is gone. Two weeks ago, my roomate, Joey, went behind my back and got cable without my permission. Oh, how I protested that he would bring such a perversion of taste into my home and proclaimed that I would not pay for it. That lasted (2.5) hours.

I am now an eager consumer of mind-numbing TV bile. ...and the lucidity fades....

CMT'S DALLAS COWBOYS' CHEERLEADERS: MAKING THE TEAM 2
Girls. Too much face paint. Titties go jiggle joggle. Make happy dance. (4) hours go bye-bye. Nothing to show for evening.

MTV's MADE
Bigger loser than me in high school. Want make be something stupid. Washed up coach make loud noise at them. Loser cry. Big show. Loser still loser, but now loser learn imperceivable life lesson. Coach cash check.

CNN 24 HOUR NEWS CYCLE
Patrick do attempt good be smarter more. Watch news TV. Sanjaya Gooupta = snoozefestMD. Patrick discoverz his Planet in Parrell. Pretty upset about Parrell thing. Much misses Judy Woodruff. Judy, PBS? Really? CNN better (2) yearzz a-go.

As clarity washes over me once more I can tell I'm in a bad way. How I long for rabbit ears.



---
EDITORIAL NOTE:
Um, yeah. I worked the New York Marathon today, so I've been up since 2:30am. I have no idea what I have just written. It's probably total shite. Luckily, my readers have exceptionally low standards & are just glad they got another post that includes the word titties. Titties. You're welcome.



Sunday, October 28, 2007

If You Only See One Skit...

I live an active lifestyle. Luckily, I take a multivitamin.

Given that fall is the official favorite season of Patrick Garrigan, my evenings have been chock full of exciting activities/projects. Why just this week I opened the World Premiere of my new feel good musical, Tsunami 2: Back in the Habit-A Wave of Musical Delight, had my Halloween costume renderings put on display at the MoMA (at left), and single handedly stomped out the obesity epidemic. Go me.

Despite my jetset lifestyle, I like to pencil in what I call "Patrick Time" wherein I set aside a specific block of time to enjoy some of the culture that the 'ol city has to offer.

This week's "Patrick Time" took me to Union Square where I was accosted by a dirty hippie who asked me if he could borrow my credit card for an hour. Following this "cute" little exchange, I entered the Daryl Roth Theatre where I enjoyed a new show called Fuerzabruta. What's Fuerzabruta, you ask? Well, Helen had the guys in the AV Dept. pull together a little video for you. Roll tape.



Sexy, sexy. I'm going to lay it plain: I whole heartedly endorse this show as the best thing I have ever seen. Seriously. Now, normally for such an honorable mention I ask my standard $50k & bathtub full of Jujyfruits. However, unlike my first wife, this endorsement comes with no strings attached. I am just so grateful for a show to come along that hits nearly every mark on the Patrick Garrigan Exceptional Culture Checklist.

Patrick Garrigan Exceptional Culture Checklist

  1. Titties. -Check
  2. Eurotrash techno music played at all times. -Check
  3. Elderly audience members humorously hit in the head with large pieces of flying debris. -Check
  4. Show culminates with delectable surf 'n turf dining experience. -No
  5. Show utilizes out of work airport ground crew as stagehands -Check
  6. Someone in show wears George Washington wig. -Check
  7. Show makes me all sweaty in my "no-no" places. -Check
  8. 85% of set constructed out of dynamic combination of aluminum foil & love. -Check
  9. Performers get all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on my ass. -Check
  10. One lucky audience member wins a pony. -No
Pretty impressive showing there, Fuerzabruta. But seriously folks, go see this fecking show. Get your nerve up to ask Sue (or ladies, that dreamy Tom) from Accounts Payable if s/he'd like to join you for an evening they'll never forget. Then creepily begin licking your lips. You'll be glad you did!

---
Halloween Update
What did I dress up as for Halloween?
A Leprechaun. ...and yes ladies Daddy was magically delicious.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

paTrick or Treat: A Halloween Retrospective

Yes friends, it is time for my favorite holiday!!! (right after National Patrick Garrigan Appreciation Week, Christmas & Take Your Daughter to Work Day) HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween. I really do. It is the one time of year where it is socially acceptable for dogs to dress as Oompa Loompas, girls can can get all whorey costuming themselves as "Slutty [Insert Noun Here - ie. Cats, Plumbers, Trees, etc.]," and I am able to bring my Commitment to Excellence© to the arena of spooktacular holiday attire. Oh, me....

Every year it's always the same, "what are you going as this year, Patrick!? Huh? Huh? Huh?" To which I reply, "leave me alone, Grandma."

Why is my public so inquisitive? Well, I would never brag, but I have an excellent reputation for remarkable Halloween costumes.

October 31st, 1981


COSTUME: CLOWN
My parents are evil, hateful people. Never was this fact more fully exemplified than by their choice to dress me as a CLOWN for my first Halloween. This was an important turning point in my life. This was the day that I realized that I hated clowns.

Just look at me writhing in discomfort over this atrocious perversion of the natural order. It's either the discomfort thing or I shat myself. Whatever the reason, I resolved that day that as soon as I learned how to write, I would begin producing anti-clown propaganda.

October 31st, 1984


COSTUME: DARTH VADER
At the spritely, young age of 5, I created this incredible costume using resources from around the neighborhood. The mask was created using a painted dust pan, the cape was procured from Uncle "Lingering Hug" Leroy's drag show costuming & Darth's breathing apparatus came from Old Man Claypool's respirator. Oh sure, Old Man Claypool may have died that night from "lack of oxygen," but I like to think that as he looked down from Heaven, he had to agree that it was a pretty bitchin' costume.

October 31st, 1989


COSTUME: DRAGON ASS
In the fall of 1989, when I announced that I would be producing a (4) person dragon costume, there was an overwhelming degree of interest (natch). After exhaustive auditions & a lot of soul searching I cast local favorite, Philip Andrews as "The Dragon Head," my sister, Lisa as "Mid-Section #1," my brother, Brian as "Mid-Section #2" and myself in the pivotal role of "Dragon Ass." For years after this Halloween, people commented that my authentic tail animation added real credibility to the costume. I would have to agree.

October 31st, 1995


COSTUME: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
This Halloween, Marion, Ohio was overtaken by Phantom of the Opera-Mania! But who wasn't really? Am I right or am I right or am I right? For weeks, I worked steadfastly to tailor the perfect Phantom costume which I would use to impress guests stopping by the Garrigan Abode in search of candies.

The night of Halloween, while opening an industrial-strength can of Kool Aid, I sliced the top of my finger open on the lid's sharp edge & was rushed to the Emergency Room to save the finger. By the time I got back to the Abode, the only people left to see the fruit of my labors were genuinely ugly people or persons dressed as hobos -which I think we can all agree is a decidedly shit costume.

Disenfranchised, I decided Halloween & I needed some space. Only to come roaring back in 2005...

October 31st, 2005


COSTUME: GASTRIC BYPASS SUMO WRESTLER
Gastric bypass surgery is a really good idea. This All Hallow's Eve, I decided to reach out to the sumo wrestling community "at large" by showing them the benefits of the procedure. Oh sure, I may have missed out on some incredible parties that night, but if I can get just one 300 pound, diaper wearing Asian to staple their stomach, then it makes it all worthwhile.

October 31, 2006


COSTUME: L. RON HUBBARD
Long time GWGG readers may recall that last year, by popular vote, I went out for Halloween as Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Initially, I thought this costume sucked because it involved handing out a lot of pamphlets & coaxing tourists back to my apartment. But in the end it turned out incredible! Evidently, Tom Cruise found out about my costume and sent me a check for $5,000,000 to open a school for blind, dyslexic kids which I cashed and spent on Cinnabons & booze.


So what will Halloween 2007's costume be? I don't know. I like to let the costume choose me. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to send them to: greatness.with.gumption@gmail.com and I'll be happy to take them under consideration. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put razor blades in apples!

Happy Halloween!

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