Sunday, December 17, 2006

the life of the party

Well, the holidays are in full swing and as you might imagine, my social calendar is off da hook. My inbox flooded with evites and my cell phone set to silent so the calls don't disturb my day to day. You laugh, but it can be a taxing time of year (especially if you don't have a capable secretary / assistant / stylist like my darling, Helen). In a never ending effort to help my public, I am going to share with you Patrick's secrets of party-going success. These are little tactics that I have picked up through my encounters that will help you master not only the holiday season but social gatherings as a whole.

**hit it off with your host(ess)

Going to parties where you may only know a few people if any can be very intimidating. The key to crackin' the nut, that is this party, is your host(ess). How do you crack that big nut? Compliments. "Oh well, I would do that anyway," you might think. To which I would reply, "you and your hypothetical, over-active inner monologue can shut your fuckin' pie hole." The key isn't just a compliment, but a memorable compliment. Below, please find samples that best illustrate this point.

FOR FEMALE HOST:
Female Host: "Patrick, we're so glad you could make it."

Patrick: "Are you kidding? With a rack like yours, I'd never miss it."

[raucous laughter ensues - host won over.]

FOR MALE HOST:
Male Host: "Welcome. You look dapper tonight."

Patrick: "Why thank you! ...and if I may say, you look more clostedly homosexual than normal."

You see its all about winning them over in those first important minutes. Moving on.

**establishing yourself as the alpha

In my social encounters I meet a plethora of intelligent people. I have made it my personal charter to knock this intelligentsia down a few pegs and establish myself as the alpha dog. ARF! ARF! ARF! Why would I do this? Well, for starters, I'm an asshole. But that aside, it's all about confidence. The way that I go about this is by asking what people do for a living, then I crush them. For instance, a lot of my sister's friends are lawyers, so when I meet them I inquire as to their focus. Then, no matter what their reply, I start screaming and poking them in the chest, "Whatever, you bleeding heart commie! Keep up the good work hating America." When I do this, I make sure that it is loud enough so that everyone hears it. This creates what I call a "shared experience." From this "shared experience" you can start new conversations with lead ins like,"did you get a load of that commie?" Shoe in. Trust me.

**share your gifts

My mom always said to me, "You have unique gifts. It is your duty to share these gifts with the world. If you don't that is a sin." These were wise words that I really took to heart. It has taken me these 27 years to discover my gifts and when I discover a new one, I usually issue a press release. What is unique about me? What gifts do I have to share? Well for starters, I am lactose intolerant. -Extremely lactose intolerant. At a recent party, I shared this gift. I reacquainted myself with my good friend, Mr. Baked Brie. Let me tell you within ten minutes, everyone at the party was talking about lil' 'ol me. There was just something in the air that night, and I was on the tip of everyone's tongue. Yes, I created quite a buzz, and I'm told from the hostess that my gift was the lasting memory that most party-goers took away from the experience. All because I chose to give.

**hunt "the cougar"

So it is 12:30am and you have put all these tactics into play and you have yielded bupkus with the ladies. Don't despair, the evening isn't over. The hunt has just begun. Your prey: the cougar. (or for you ladies out there, the silver fox --for the purposes of this diatribe, I'm going to lay this out under the context of the cougar, however, I understand there are many similarities). First off, "how do I spot the cougar?" Well that's a good rhetorical question. The cougar is not at all as elusive as you might think. You can usually spot the cougar by its unique markings. 40+, plastic surgery, lots of bling, risque clothing, and "the eyes" (as pictured) are all common traits. The cougar is a 7 martini gal. It is when the cougar begins its mating dance that you pounce. You see, the cougar LOVES to dance. The cougar is an AWFUL dancer. Using this information you step up, begin your tango de l'amour, and the next thing you know, you have bagged the big cat. Teddy Roosevelt would be proud.

If you implement even half of these initiatives, I can guarantee that you will be the most talked about party guest -ever. Consider it my holiday gift to you. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm due to refresh my Sapphire and tonic. HELEN, BOOZE! NOW!

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