Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Fireside Chat


My Fellow Americans,

As the year comes to a close at midnight tonight, we look ahead to the future. Learning from the lessons of the past and hopefully deriving some enlightenment as we make choices for the new year.

I spent last week enjoying the holidays at my New England retreat surrounded by loved ones. It was a truly blessed time: egg nog, songs around the piano and wholesome dinner conversation. During this time of relaxation and reflection, I concentrated on the threats faced by America.

As we turn on the news each day we can't help but be influenced by the dangers we encounter. Terrorism, foreign wars, and a rise in domestic crime, were just a few of the headlines that captured our nation's attention in 2006.

While these issues are grand in scope, there was another topic that has long concerned me. A threat more immediate, vile and troublingly troublesome. A malignant cancer that plagues us most deeply because it resides in our midst. -and yet, this threat is not discussed at the dinner table and never featured on the 11 o'clock news. The threat?

CLOWNS


For far too long these agents of evil have plagued our society with oversized shoes, unfunny physical comedy, and serial homicidal attacks [see above]. Which forces me to ask the simple question. How can we protect our interests abroad while domestically these evil-doers operate virtually unabated?

I think if you look closely, you'll find that here in the continental United States we have our own Axis of Evil:

Big Apple Circus' GRANDMA THE CLOWN
If you are looking to find the root of the cultural demise of American values, you need look no further than the Big Apple Circus. Every year this "entertainment" makes its return to the Big Apple and every year I boycott. Each year it grows progressively more difficult. You see, nothing warms my heart quite like Cavalier King Charles Spaniels balancing themselves on impossibly small balls. And yet, I stay away. The reason? GRANDMA THE CLOWN. Never was an assault on the natural order so flagrant. Grandma the clown is not a grandma at all. She has no children. She has no home reeking of old people. And you can bet that she'll never pay you a shiny nickel to rub her bunions. The reason she doesn't have any of these characteristics is because she isn't a she at all! YES! Grandma the clown is actually a man. Oh, I know what you're thinking, "Patrick, its just a fun show for the kiddies." To which I reply, "don't shove your liberal agenda down my throat." One day the kids are enjoying a "fun show for the kiddies." The next thing you know little Timmy is in a tranny sex show in Amsterdam. It's a slippery slope. And I, for one, encourage some responsible parenting during this period of cultural turmoil.

EMMETT KELLY
I hate this clown on many levels. First off, I hold him solely responsible for the epidemic of poverty. Here's a "clown" that spends its day eating beans out of a can, painting a hopeless frown on his face and traipsing around on railcars. Most people would write this off as simply hobo antics and yet I fail to find the hilarity. He makes no real attempt to seek further education. He puts forth little to no commitment to the many occupations he attempts. What kind of message does this send to our youth?

Secondly, as an Irish-American I am personally offended by the Kelly stereotype that Irish people are bums: depending on the kindness of strangers, unreliable, sleeping in their own feces. We Irish-Americans have a rich, proud history and I will not have this clown piss on that heritage. Literally or metaphorically.

Lastly, I do not know what he carrys in that kerchief / stick luggage, but I can guarantee it isn't good.

THAT CREEPY FUCKING CLOWN FROM 'IT'
Since 1998, this clown has haunted my nightmares. The mental anguish I have suffered at the hands of this clown is insufferable. Under the Second Amendment, we as Americans, have the right to bear arms. Now, normally I would never advocate the use of violence. However, in the event that you ever encounter this clown, it is your duty as an American, to blow the fucker away so that we might end his reign of terror. [Patrick steps away from the computer, enters the fetal position, and weeps chanting, "clowns in the sewer...." -Helen]

This is a real challenge. I encourage all Americans to be vigilant in these times of change. Sometimes the most threatening threat is the one among us. If you or someone you know is considering being a clown, please call 1.800.CLWN.WATCH. Think globally. Act locally. It is the only way we can bring this true terror to its knees.

Good Night & God Bless America*

*but don't bless the clowns that happen to live in America

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