Sunday, November 19, 2006

Undergraduate Curriculum

As I enter the obligatory quarter-life crisis, I take steps to weigh the possibility of pursuing a graduate education. Even as undergraduate student loan creditors fire off strongly worded letters, I start to consider the pros and cons of grad school, and its potential impact on the future of my life. While I delve into this investigation, I can't help but remember being back in this position as a senior in high school.

At this point in my life almost ten years ago the choice was simple. "My name is Patrick, and I want to dance, Dance! DANCE!" As a result, I found myself at Syracuse University pursuing a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Musical Theatre. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I hold a BFA in Musical Theatre. Now, the importance, validity and usefulness of a degree of this nature is certainly debatable. However, in all fairness the same could be said for a degree in anthropology. That isn't really the point. The point is, "Who the hell knows what they want to do with their life when they are 18 years old?"

Most people, upon graduation from high school, are not mature enough to enter the world. College works to create a sort of half way house to bridge the gap between high school and the real world. It isn't necessarily the lessons learned in the classroom as much as it is the lessons in social growth that shape these students. With that in mind, I feel it is my responsibility as a concerned cultural contributor to create my own undergraduate curriculum to mold well-adjusted, savvy, people who don't suck: our leaders of tomorrow.

Bachelor of Sciences (BS) in Interpersonal Relationships and How Not to Totally Mess Up Your Life

The goal of this interdisciplinary program is to create well-adjusted, savvy people who don't suck. The curriculum is composed of (6) requirements, each worth (3) credits. In this program students are versed in general trivia, interpersonal relationships, alcohol awareness, C.Y.A., creditor avoidance tactics, and general grooming. All the necessary skills to 'not totally mess up your life!' Sound good? Let's take a closer look at these classes and our esteemed faculty!

BS 205 "Merda taurorum animas conturbit"
Assistant Professor Bob Ringwald
3 credits

"Bullshit Baffles Brains" is the school of thought behind this thrilling class! Prof. Ringwald, a pioneer in his field, will teach you a little bit about everything, so that you can carry on bullshit conversations with people you meet in your everyday life. Don't worry about long hours studying, the core value of this class is that you only really need to know a little bit about a lot of things to hold long, seemingly intelligent conversations. "Riffing," repeating back to people what they have just said in different words and thoughtful nodding are all skills our alumni have been able to take into the workforce.

BS 220 Romance Dynamics
Professor Cookie Ramone
3 credits

This course enlightens students as to the ups and downs of romantic relationships. Students learn vital lessons such as: when is the right time to say 'I love you,' how to break up with someone without them stalking you, and many more valuable tools to help our students grow in the the lessons de l'amour. Cookie Ramone, THE original Latin lover and reason d'etre for the term 'coyote ugly,' guides students through this tumultuous time with her unique hands-on approach.

BS 299 Alcohol and You
Adjunct Professor Chas "Chunks" O'Reilly
3 credits

For many students, college is a time of independence. A chance to party and live it up. We at the Garrigan College feel that it is our duty to educate our students not only on the dangers of alcohol, but also how to attain and maintain a proper buzz in order to get the most out of your party-going experience. World renowned expert, "Chunks" O'Reilly draws from his extensive experience and brings his passion to share these experiences into the classroom. Class topics include: What to Do When You Get the Spins, Gatorade and Popeyes Chicken: How I Cured My Hangover, and Gettin' Rid of that Puke Smell, to name a few.

BS 002 Covering Your Ass*
Assistant Professor Carl Bucksworth
3 credits

"Eh, it's not my fault!" From day one, Professor Bucksworth instills this, his mantra, in his students. "Hey, a lot of messed up shit happens out there in the business world, don't get caught with your pants down," Bucksworth confides. "If I can help one poor dumb bastard not get fired for being stupid, then I'm going to sleep more soundly after I drive my Maserati home, make love to my smokin' hot wife, and curl up under my comforter made of baby seal pelts," he continues. As a former WorldCom / Tyco / Adelphia / Westar executive Professor Bucksworth brings real world experience to covering your ass.

*Additional Class Fee: $1,500 (payable to Raul Manuel c/o Grand Cayman Investments)

BS 357 Tactical Creditor Avoidance Certificate
Professor James Doe
3 credits

In the spirit of providing our students with the latest in applicable educational tools, the Garrigan College is proud to offer its Tactical Creditor Avoidance Certification for the Fall 2007 semester. This certification program gives students the tools they need to avoid student loan creditors and assorted collection agencies. In an ever changing economy, it is important to instill in our students evasive, passive-aggressive techniques to avoid these ruthless hunters. Techniques such as using an answering service as your primary telephone or paying your mailman to throw away collection mail, start our students off on the right foot and free up valuable time and money that can be applied towards going out or buying a nice pair of shoes.

BS 280 Looking Fly: A Historical Textile Retrospective and its Socio-Economic-Political Implications on American Fashion in the 21st Century
Dr. Clipz Jeffrey
3 credits

Hailed by the New York Times as "one of the truly great fashionistas of this or any generation," Dr. Jeffrey combats clothing apathy, as displayed nationwide with pajama-bottom-sporting college students, by outlining the great strides America has made in overcoming European fashion dominance in what he refers to as "The Coldest War." Students are challenged to face the age old question, "Do the clothes REALLY make the man? -and if so, should that man be wearing a cotton / poly blend?"

As always, I seek to become part of the solution as opposed to participating in the problem. I only hope that this curriculum can be implemented to cure the undergraduate education crisis in our country. With this in mind, I'm starting a foundation to fund this plan for higher education. If you are interested in financially pitching in, please e-mail me at and make your checks payable to our treasurer, C. Ash. Class dismissed.


Anonymous said...
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Ryan said...

This may be your finest yet, my friend. :) Sign me up.


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