Sunday, October 22, 2006

Jetsetter: Week in Review

As most are probably aware, people come from far and wide to seek wisdom, inspiration and guidance from me. I become a guru of sorts. I don't know, it just happens to me. In the process, a lot of disciples inquire as to what a day in the life of me is like. I simply chuckle to myself and say, "oh, you..." However, demand has been so great that I have been persuaded to open myself to the masses. Now obviously, I don't have time to recant my week to you, I'm far too busy. In light of this, I have authorized my secretary, Helen, to release this week's itinerary to you, my public. I hope this gives you a sense of the man behind the myth. Enjoy.


8:30am - Coffee: Black
9:00am - Into West 45th Street offices, return e-mails, exchange pleasantries
11:30am - Chauffeur arrives to shuttle to famed Lucille Lortel Theatre
1:00pm - Inform cast and producers how the other concert members can best highlight Patrick.
5:00pm - Dinner at lauded West Village restaurant, 'The Ball Gag & Whip'
5:15pm - Patrick deems the cuisine too chewy. He opts for McDonald's 10 piece meal w/ hot mustard sauce
7:30pm - Half hour call for Lortel performance. Remind fellow cast members that Patrick has been known to "cut a bitch" for upstaging him.
9:30pm - Patrick releases the following picture to NY Press Corps.

10:30pm - Post-show party. Patrick disappointed to find that Liza is not in attendance-begins to drink heavily.
11:30pm - A drunken, weeping Patrick tells unsuspecting party guest that he loves her and could make an excellent Appalachian husband.
12:00am - Police called. Patrick securely escorted out of establishment through kitchen exit.
1:00am - End of Day


8:30am - First alarm.
9:00am - Second alarm.
10:00am - Final alarm.
12:00pm - Patrick releases statement, "Due to fatigue and lack of interest, Mr. Garrigan will not face the day."
12:00pm-7:00pm - Patrick does not face day.
7:30pm - Patrick enjoys a peanut butter sandwich and water bottle with lime EmergenC.
7:45pm - Patrick complains that water bottle mouth piece "smells like ass."
8:00pm - Patrick falls asleep while clipping toenails.
8:15pm - End of Day


5:00am - Coffee: Very Black
5:30am - Patrick showers, informs me that he gave his back hair "the shavin' it was cravin'!"
6:00am - Driver called. Patrick en route to Chelsea Cinemas West to oversee Starburst Media event.
7:00am-9:00am - Starburst Media staffers / production crew very frustrated by the fact that Patrick abrasively asks, "Do you know who I am?!" ...and they don't.
10:00am - Patrick brings corporate team building sketches / skits to a screeching halt when he proclaims that the productions are worse than Dance of the Vampires.
10:15am - Attendees have no idea what he is talking about. Security is called anyway.
10:30am - Rest of afternoon goes off without a hitch. Patrick secretly confides that he hopes his little bit of theatrics make Page 6. They do not.
3:30pm - Patrick dispatched to Pressure NYC to oversee production of evening event.
3:45pm - Patrick makes feeble attempt to become evening's guest DJ. Pressure staff not swayed despite Patrick's disclosure that he was 'the finest DJ the Caledonia Community Center ever done seen.'
6:00pm - Patrick arrives at midtown apartment.
7:30pm - Phones Las Vegas bookies regarding America's Next Top Model pool.
7:45pm - Patrick calls in the fix. "Tonight, AJ's out. Ya dig?"
9:00pm - America's Next Top Model ends.
9:15pm - Patrick draws a bath filled with pennies. Giggles with glee and demands that I refer to him as Scrooge McDuck.
10:00pm - Falls asleep in penny tub.
10:15pm - End of Day.


8:30am - Coffee: Sorta Sludgy (2) days old.
9:30am - Arrives at West 45th Street offices
10:30am-5:30pm - Patrick prepares for evening of Mary Poppins and post-show discussion with Thomas Schumacher.
8:00pm - Mary Poppins begins
9:00pm - Intermission. Patrick complains that there is far too much soot in the production and fears that he may have caught "the black lung." Patrick requests ambulance following the show with proper tools to test for said affliction
10:30pm - Show completed.
10:45pm - Test results conclusive. Patrick does not have "the black lung"
10:45pm-11:00pm - Patrick calls estranged friends and confides that his brush with "the black lung" has opened his eyes to how precious friendships are- even friendships with people he had previously referred to as 'douchebags'.
11:30pm - Meeting with T. Schumacher postponed in order to give Patrick proper time to reflect on this ordeal.
12:00am - End of Day.


8:30am - Coffee: 9th Ave. Gourmet Deli; Black. Patrick proclaims, "this is the best .65 cent coffee I have ever had." Shakes deli workers hand for uncomfortably long time.
9:30am - Patrick arrives at West 45th Street offices
10:00am - Patrick reschedules Schumacher meeting for later that afternoon.
2:00pm - Schumacher meeting begins.
2:15pm - Meeting goes south when Patrick advises that Tarzan needs to tour because, "those bumpkins in the heartland wouldn't know a piece of crap if it swung out on a vine and threw its dung at them."
2:45pm - Meeting improves when Patrick smiles and says that Mary Poppins filled him with joy; and demands that every show include people tap dancing on the proscenium. He is 100% serious. Disney execs. take it under consideration.
3:30pm - Patrick confirms dinner plans at Nobu.
8:00pm - Reservations at Nobu are mysteriously not found.
8:15pm - Patrick opts for Jamaican Jerk Chicken Burrito & $3.50 margaritas at Blockheads. Patrick dines with friends.
8:30pm - After $10.50 worth of margaritas, Patrick expresses to all at the table that he loves them and hopes that their future babies aren't ugly.
10:30pm - Command performance at 2nd on 2nd in the East Village.
11:00pm - Patrick and Ryan Swearingen 'tear up' Enya's Only Time.
11:30pm - Beating ensues
3:00am - End of Day


4:00pm - Patrick rises. No joke.
5:00pm-7:00pm - Patrick does laundry. Hands me a toothbrush and demands that his laundry needs to be Oxi-Fuckin'-Clean.
7:00pm-9:00pm - Patrick cooks sausages in the George Forman grill and serves them over some boil-in-bag rice. Repeatedly makes unfounded comparisons between himself and Mario Batali.
9:00pm-11:00pm - Patrick views documentary about guy who creates electric chairs. Delights in phrases like, "what a SHOCKING line of work."
11:30 - Patrick to bed. End of Day.


9:00am - Departs JFK airport for week-long film convention in Orlando.
4:30pm - Arrives at hotel.
5:00pm-1:00am - Cruises around hotel bars dropping his ID around and singing "'s up to you New York, New Yoooooork! In the hopes that some overly tan girl will be impressed that he took a (2) hour flight.
1:30am - Attempts unsuccessful.
2:00am - Patrick heard crying in room while hotel porn plays in background.
2:30am - End of Day.

I hope this outline of my past week give you a better sense of who I am. What I'm about. What makes me tick. To put it quite succinctly, a great man once said, "I'm kind of a big deal. People know me." How true....


Ryan said...

Thank you for enlightening the little people with the minutiae of your enviable, past-paced lifestyle. And thanks for the shoutout, yo.

Anonymous said...

"That was freakin' hillarious" Joco the dancing monkey


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