Sunday, October 29, 2006

Crunch Time

Anxiety builds in me as the week comes to a close. In 48 hours, Halloween is upon us. Now for as long as I can remember Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays. What can compare with taking one day to get dressed up like an idiot and run around town? Nothing. Ever since I donned my first Darth Vader helmet, I have been obsessed with Halloween.

Since moving to New York, it has been thrilling to be surrounded by people who are equally excited by this holiday season. However, as with everything else in my life, I have to turn this into a competition. I feel the need to elevate my costumes to a higher level of excellence. In light of this, it is important to take a few moments to brainstorm some kick ass costumes, weigh their pros & cons and come to a decision on an exceptional costume.

L. Ron Hubbard

This costume would reflect the likeness of philosopher and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. I fancy myself to a modern day philosopher of sorts, so maybe this might be just the costume I've been seeking.

PROS: Costume may finally allow me access to Tom Cruise's House 'O Scientology: "We Know Psychiatry!" This costume would also grant me control of an army of NYC street teams dispatched to sell my books, give crappy stress tests, and distribute postcards / inspiration! Imagine the Power!!!

CONS: Constantly looking constipated might prove to be a greater challenge than I had initially anticipated. Some people are meant to wear an ascot, I fear I might not be one of them.

US / Mexican Border Security Fence

This topical costume has captured the imagination of people ranging from "The Minutemen" to our own very own President (and if he likes it, its gotta be good). The design of this costume would reflect the recently approved 700 foot fence separating the US from Mexico.

PROS: This is one very flashy costume. Metallic chainlink has always been a chic Manhattan staple. This costume is also guaranteed to attract a lot of attention.

CONS: The costume is ultimately racist, heavy and expensive. While it will make people warm and fuzzy, ultimately won't win any awards. People tunneling under me, also a major downfall.

Star Jones Skin Suit

Now in this picture you will see that Star Jones lost a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. Which begs the simple question, where did all the skin go? It is my belief that somewhere, perhaps even here in the New York area, there is a Star Jones skin suit. If I could track down said suit, I think it would make for a truly unique costume.

PROS: Two words: Skin Suit.

CONS: Lack of conviction on trivial issues would probably reveal me as a fraud. Strong olfactory senses may also play a part in an ultimately unsuccessful costume.

So these are the choices. Much like Ryan Seacrest, I turn it over to you the voters of America. Text your vote to 917.549.XXXX.


The winning costume will be announced next Sunday. It's up to you to you, America, choose wisely.

Also, if you have any other suggestions PLEASE let me know. It is crunch time after all.

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