Sunday, October 29, 2006

Crunch Time

Anxiety builds in me as the week comes to a close. In 48 hours, Halloween is upon us. Now for as long as I can remember Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays. What can compare with taking one day to get dressed up like an idiot and run around town? Nothing. Ever since I donned my first Darth Vader helmet, I have been obsessed with Halloween.

Since moving to New York, it has been thrilling to be surrounded by people who are equally excited by this holiday season. However, as with everything else in my life, I have to turn this into a competition. I feel the need to elevate my costumes to a higher level of excellence. In light of this, it is important to take a few moments to brainstorm some kick ass costumes, weigh their pros & cons and come to a decision on an exceptional costume.

L. Ron Hubbard

This costume would reflect the likeness of philosopher and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. I fancy myself to a modern day philosopher of sorts, so maybe this might be just the costume I've been seeking.

PROS: Costume may finally allow me access to Tom Cruise's House 'O Scientology: "We Know Psychiatry!" This costume would also grant me control of an army of NYC street teams dispatched to sell my books, give crappy stress tests, and distribute postcards / inspiration! Imagine the Power!!!

CONS: Constantly looking constipated might prove to be a greater challenge than I had initially anticipated. Some people are meant to wear an ascot, I fear I might not be one of them.

US / Mexican Border Security Fence

This topical costume has captured the imagination of people ranging from "The Minutemen" to our own very own President (and if he likes it, its gotta be good). The design of this costume would reflect the recently approved 700 foot fence separating the US from Mexico.

PROS: This is one very flashy costume. Metallic chainlink has always been a chic Manhattan staple. This costume is also guaranteed to attract a lot of attention.

CONS: The costume is ultimately racist, heavy and expensive. While it will make people warm and fuzzy, ultimately won't win any awards. People tunneling under me, also a major downfall.

Star Jones Skin Suit

Now in this picture you will see that Star Jones lost a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. Which begs the simple question, where did all the skin go? It is my belief that somewhere, perhaps even here in the New York area, there is a Star Jones skin suit. If I could track down said suit, I think it would make for a truly unique costume.

PROS: Two words: Skin Suit.

CONS: Lack of conviction on trivial issues would probably reveal me as a fraud. Strong olfactory senses may also play a part in an ultimately unsuccessful costume.

So these are the choices. Much like Ryan Seacrest, I turn it over to you the voters of America. Text your vote to 917.549.XXXX.


The winning costume will be announced next Sunday. It's up to you to you, America, choose wisely.

Also, if you have any other suggestions PLEASE let me know. It is crunch time after all.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Jetsetter: Week in Review

As most are probably aware, people come from far and wide to seek wisdom, inspiration and guidance from me. I become a guru of sorts. I don't know, it just happens to me. In the process, a lot of disciples inquire as to what a day in the life of me is like. I simply chuckle to myself and say, "oh, you..." However, demand has been so great that I have been persuaded to open myself to the masses. Now obviously, I don't have time to recant my week to you, I'm far too busy. In light of this, I have authorized my secretary, Helen, to release this week's itinerary to you, my public. I hope this gives you a sense of the man behind the myth. Enjoy.


8:30am - Coffee: Black
9:00am - Into West 45th Street offices, return e-mails, exchange pleasantries
11:30am - Chauffeur arrives to shuttle to famed Lucille Lortel Theatre
1:00pm - Inform cast and producers how the other concert members can best highlight Patrick.
5:00pm - Dinner at lauded West Village restaurant, 'The Ball Gag & Whip'
5:15pm - Patrick deems the cuisine too chewy. He opts for McDonald's 10 piece meal w/ hot mustard sauce
7:30pm - Half hour call for Lortel performance. Remind fellow cast members that Patrick has been known to "cut a bitch" for upstaging him.
9:30pm - Patrick releases the following picture to NY Press Corps.

10:30pm - Post-show party. Patrick disappointed to find that Liza is not in attendance-begins to drink heavily.
11:30pm - A drunken, weeping Patrick tells unsuspecting party guest that he loves her and could make an excellent Appalachian husband.
12:00am - Police called. Patrick securely escorted out of establishment through kitchen exit.
1:00am - End of Day


8:30am - First alarm.
9:00am - Second alarm.
10:00am - Final alarm.
12:00pm - Patrick releases statement, "Due to fatigue and lack of interest, Mr. Garrigan will not face the day."
12:00pm-7:00pm - Patrick does not face day.
7:30pm - Patrick enjoys a peanut butter sandwich and water bottle with lime EmergenC.
7:45pm - Patrick complains that water bottle mouth piece "smells like ass."
8:00pm - Patrick falls asleep while clipping toenails.
8:15pm - End of Day


5:00am - Coffee: Very Black
5:30am - Patrick showers, informs me that he gave his back hair "the shavin' it was cravin'!"
6:00am - Driver called. Patrick en route to Chelsea Cinemas West to oversee Starburst Media event.
7:00am-9:00am - Starburst Media staffers / production crew very frustrated by the fact that Patrick abrasively asks, "Do you know who I am?!" ...and they don't.
10:00am - Patrick brings corporate team building sketches / skits to a screeching halt when he proclaims that the productions are worse than Dance of the Vampires.
10:15am - Attendees have no idea what he is talking about. Security is called anyway.
10:30am - Rest of afternoon goes off without a hitch. Patrick secretly confides that he hopes his little bit of theatrics make Page 6. They do not.
3:30pm - Patrick dispatched to Pressure NYC to oversee production of evening event.
3:45pm - Patrick makes feeble attempt to become evening's guest DJ. Pressure staff not swayed despite Patrick's disclosure that he was 'the finest DJ the Caledonia Community Center ever done seen.'
6:00pm - Patrick arrives at midtown apartment.
7:30pm - Phones Las Vegas bookies regarding America's Next Top Model pool.
7:45pm - Patrick calls in the fix. "Tonight, AJ's out. Ya dig?"
9:00pm - America's Next Top Model ends.
9:15pm - Patrick draws a bath filled with pennies. Giggles with glee and demands that I refer to him as Scrooge McDuck.
10:00pm - Falls asleep in penny tub.
10:15pm - End of Day.


8:30am - Coffee: Sorta Sludgy (2) days old.
9:30am - Arrives at West 45th Street offices
10:30am-5:30pm - Patrick prepares for evening of Mary Poppins and post-show discussion with Thomas Schumacher.
8:00pm - Mary Poppins begins
9:00pm - Intermission. Patrick complains that there is far too much soot in the production and fears that he may have caught "the black lung." Patrick requests ambulance following the show with proper tools to test for said affliction
10:30pm - Show completed.
10:45pm - Test results conclusive. Patrick does not have "the black lung"
10:45pm-11:00pm - Patrick calls estranged friends and confides that his brush with "the black lung" has opened his eyes to how precious friendships are- even friendships with people he had previously referred to as 'douchebags'.
11:30pm - Meeting with T. Schumacher postponed in order to give Patrick proper time to reflect on this ordeal.
12:00am - End of Day.


8:30am - Coffee: 9th Ave. Gourmet Deli; Black. Patrick proclaims, "this is the best .65 cent coffee I have ever had." Shakes deli workers hand for uncomfortably long time.
9:30am - Patrick arrives at West 45th Street offices
10:00am - Patrick reschedules Schumacher meeting for later that afternoon.
2:00pm - Schumacher meeting begins.
2:15pm - Meeting goes south when Patrick advises that Tarzan needs to tour because, "those bumpkins in the heartland wouldn't know a piece of crap if it swung out on a vine and threw its dung at them."
2:45pm - Meeting improves when Patrick smiles and says that Mary Poppins filled him with joy; and demands that every show include people tap dancing on the proscenium. He is 100% serious. Disney execs. take it under consideration.
3:30pm - Patrick confirms dinner plans at Nobu.
8:00pm - Reservations at Nobu are mysteriously not found.
8:15pm - Patrick opts for Jamaican Jerk Chicken Burrito & $3.50 margaritas at Blockheads. Patrick dines with friends.
8:30pm - After $10.50 worth of margaritas, Patrick expresses to all at the table that he loves them and hopes that their future babies aren't ugly.
10:30pm - Command performance at 2nd on 2nd in the East Village.
11:00pm - Patrick and Ryan Swearingen 'tear up' Enya's Only Time.
11:30pm - Beating ensues
3:00am - End of Day


4:00pm - Patrick rises. No joke.
5:00pm-7:00pm - Patrick does laundry. Hands me a toothbrush and demands that his laundry needs to be Oxi-Fuckin'-Clean.
7:00pm-9:00pm - Patrick cooks sausages in the George Forman grill and serves them over some boil-in-bag rice. Repeatedly makes unfounded comparisons between himself and Mario Batali.
9:00pm-11:00pm - Patrick views documentary about guy who creates electric chairs. Delights in phrases like, "what a SHOCKING line of work."
11:30 - Patrick to bed. End of Day.


9:00am - Departs JFK airport for week-long film convention in Orlando.
4:30pm - Arrives at hotel.
5:00pm-1:00am - Cruises around hotel bars dropping his ID around and singing "'s up to you New York, New Yoooooork! In the hopes that some overly tan girl will be impressed that he took a (2) hour flight.
1:30am - Attempts unsuccessful.
2:00am - Patrick heard crying in room while hotel porn plays in background.
2:30am - End of Day.

I hope this outline of my past week give you a better sense of who I am. What I'm about. What makes me tick. To put it quite succinctly, a great man once said, "I'm kind of a big deal. People know me." How true....

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Hello and Goodbye

Hello Autumn, I'm so glad I found you. This weekend, you walked into my life. Since meeting you my whole world has changed. You have called on the leaves in Central Park to change, the sweaters come out, and with this, we begin our exciting new relationship. Don't tell any of the other seasons, but you are my favorite. There are so many things about you that get me excited.

There's the palpable sensory aspect of you. You are truly enthralling. What can I say? First off, there is your dynamic sense of color! Your oranges, your reds, your deep greens, your grays, your rich blues and purples that paint the sky. You're fashionable without being flashy. Your colors explode to give you a welcoming crispness.

Oh, and with your delicious smells, Autumn, you hypnotize me. You have created one of the few times in New York where I can smell the trees and the air feels like I am the first one to inhale it. Your impact has woken me up and made me aware of the things that surround me. You, Autumn, are the relationship that connects me to the city, the outdoors and the people who inhabit my life. I look forward to the times that we're going to share in the next few months and beyond. I don't want to jump the gun, but Autumn, I think I might love you.

With the entrance of a new relationship we must say goodbye to another.

Goodbye Summer, you skanky ho, I shall not miss you.

Summer, I don't know we just never hit it off. I'm sorry. Really, no, please don't be like that. I promise. It's not you, its me. You're right I shouldn't have started this conversation off that way. Of course, you are incredibly beautiful. Here's the thing. You're just not the one for me.

Ultimately, I find you oppressive. Sure I, like any guy, enjoy getting hot and sweaty with you. It's just that its not appropriate ALL the time. A lot of times, I had places to go and we're together in the subway and you go trying to make me all sweaty- when we both know the only thing that is going to happen is we're going to end up drenched and agitated.

Its just that I need some space. In the time we were together, I never felt I could get away from you. Even when we were enjoying alone time in AC, I could just tell that you were still there. No, its not funny, its called stalking. ..and its not cool.

Furthermore, you' re an expensive date. In the times we were together I had to pay exorbitant amounts to brand names like ConEd, Westinghouse and Gatorade. Frankly, Summer, you cause me to live outside of my means and I need to be more fiscally responsible. You need to be with a guy who can support you in the lifestyle in which you have become accustomed.

Sure we had good times. Who could ever forget us hanging out in the park eating sushi and making fun of runners. Then there's the game of "where's the thong" that you created, I will never forget that. You bring out wonderful things in people you really do. You deserve to be with someone who shares more of your common interests and I'm not that guy.

Summer, I wish you well. I'm with someone new and I want you to respect that. Please just give me some time with my new girl. Maybe we'll hang out next year or something. Okay?

Goodbye, Summer. Goodbye.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

What's With All the Perverts?

Can someone please tell me what is with all the perverts? In the course of a week we have a congressman who engaged in wholly inappropriate communiques with underaged pages and a guy that walks into a one room AMISH school house with a mini arsenal and a tube of KY. I just gotta ask what is with all the perverts?

I mean is it just me or is this just crazy? What the hell is happening?

First you've got Mark Foley (pictured) who engaged in inappropriate e-mails and IMs. I gotta tell you, I've read the transcripts of these IMs and it is just despicable. The congressman has totally violated the public trust and taken advantage of his position simply to get his rocks off. I look forward to him facing serious criminal charges and I wish the same to anyone who knew and/or covered up earlier knowledge of this. That's really all I have to say about that.

Next, this guy walks into a school kicks out everyone but the little girls and shoots up an amish school. As of today, (5) girls have passed away. Why does it come out that he did this? He molested a relative twenty years ago and had dreams that he would do it again.

I really want to know what is happening. I don't ask this rhetorically, I really want to know. Is this symptoms of a larger cultural problem? I tried to think of some funny way to spin this but there isn't anything funny about it. Which really causes me to sincerely ask, "what is with all the perverts?"


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