Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I Have a Problem

My name is Patrick Garrigan. ....I have a problem. It took me some time to come to a place in my own consciousness that I could even say it out loud. The past six 'cycles' my Wednesday nights have been monopolized. Whenever Wednesdays approach, my palms get itchy and my throat dry. Nervous ticks have not been out of the range of possibilities when I think about embracing my sweet, sweet joy.

My name is Patrick, and I'm addicted to America's Next Top Model on the new CW11. I know! It hurts me just as much as it hurts you- probably more. However, unlike past addictions [see Snakes on a Plane], this is not simply a passing fancy. Yes, friends, I have followed this brain rot for six cycles and now a new one begins....

Some might ask, "Patrick how could you possibly get sucked into such trivial programming?" Well, as always, I'm glad you asked:


10. There is nothing like watching a woman balance "being true to her values (not getting naked) and going after her dream (not getting kicked off the show)."

9. The anticipation of tuning in to find out if the two freakishly RuPaul-looking brothers will show up to teach the girls to "twirl".

8. The non-stop cringing as the girls tell Tyra about every trivial event in their life that might allow them the opportunity to cry on national television.

7. Seriously contemplating the style, structure and presence of each model's walk. Seriously.

6. The hope of an 'ugly duckling turned swan' scenario keeps me coming back for more.

5. I love Twiggy. I want to keep her in my closet, open the door periodically, and make her say pithy British comments.

4. The ubiquitous crying that ensues when the girls get their hair cut. Its just hair, you dumbass, it'll grow back.

3. I like watching people in high heels fall down. It is maliciously delicious.

2. Judging each girl's crappy Covergirl commercial. I mean really...

1. Simply, models.

Yup... just sad. I'm going to get a peanut butter sandwich and a beer. I'll be fine. I'm fine. I don't have a problem. I'm..... fine......

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