Why Hello Disgruntled New York City Person Called In for Jury Duty!
It is not great to meet you this sub-Arctic/hellishly-humid day. It seems we've both been called for jury duty, and that's...something. Before we get started with whatever insipidly forced banter which is inherently about to ensue, I wonder if I might provide you with some FAQ's with regards to some questions you might have, okay? OK. Here you go...
This, my Madison Avenue Manics, is how long you have to wait until the Season 6 Premier of television's famed programme, Mad Men, which returns to the airwaves, or cables, or however you young whippersnappers receive media transmissions these days.
April 7th, this seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is.
To make the wait time a little more tolerable, I have decided to let you in on a few predictions I think we can anticipate in Season 6. Let's see what April has in store.
Yes, dear chickadees, the wifey and I are in Prague this week. Why? Because we love idyllic scenes and freezing our asses off. In lieu of this, rather than posting a summary of bell-kicks, I've decided to provide you with the livefeed of our activities. It's like you're there with us, but warmer. So hop aboard and scroll on down, we're headin'... TO THE PRAGUEBLOG!
Now I know you've got questions, so I've decided to provide some answers:
Why are you running the Half Marathon? Delusions of grandeur.
Why are you running? I only found out that I have the ability to do this the other day by accidentally walking fast.
How will you deal with all the taunting you'll receive from the other vastly more capable runners? With green beer that I will carry in a hat with straws built into it, which will hydrate me while I run.
This is a very exciting endeavor that I'm really pumped to undertake. I've been very fortunate in the past to be supported in these fundraising efforts by all you fantastic Gumptioneers, as we work to raise money to combat MS. I hope you'll consider supporting me as I attempt something new this year!
That said, would you consider contributing towards my run? If you can spare a few bucks, it would be greatly appreciated.
To donate, simply click the link above and when you arrive on the page click "Donate to Patrick" at the top of the thermometer - and you're off to the races (so to speak)! My first fundraising goal of $750 is due on February 8th, so I am truly grateful for any support you may be able to provide.
U.S. Americans, we did it. We beat the ancient Mayans & their "calendar", and we once again rein as rulers of the Universe. Go buy yourself something nice.
Now that we've survived to toil yet another year, it's time you and I had a little chat. A chat about Facebook.
When we thought the world was about to end, I let a lot of
stuff that you posted on Facebook slide. However, now that we're all
still standing, I'd like to take a quick moment to present you with a
few Facebook resolutions that I'd like You to enact in 2013, the year of
There are two things I love in this world: They are Christmas & Homeland. Because I love thinking outside the box - like seriously, I thought inside a box once and it was horrible - I came up with an idea: what if I combined the heart-pumping action of Homeland, with the joy of the holiday season?
Now, I know the writers of Homeland are busy engineering the next diabolical machination of Abu Nazir, so I decided to take it upon myself to brainstorm a few ideas to: A.) protract the length of this season B.) provide a moment for us all to catch our breaths; and C.) bring the joy of the holidays to this exceedingly dark program.
But don't worry, I will make sure there are plenty of plot twists.
You guys, life is hard. Especially around the holidays.
Well, I can't do anything about the fact that you have big tittays or your dog doesn't like to have it's toenails clipped, but there's one thing I can help with. Your plans for this Saturday's brunch.
Much like you, I've often thought, I wish I could see Saturday morning cartoons acted out live onstage by horribly talented people while getting shitfaced on bottomless cocktails. Luckily for you that thing exists in real life, in the U.S. Americas, and I'm going to make all your dreams come true.
This Saturday at noon come to the Laurie Beechman Theatre for Saturday Morning Cartoons Live to see some incredibly talented people act out the most absurd, innuendo-laden Saturday morning cartoons for your holiday enjoyment.
So join me December 1st and see people who are much, much more talented than I do funny things, while I attempt to channel my inner Bill Murray.
What are the cartoons being acted out? We'll you'll just have to come out to find out! Here are the deets!
SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS: HOLIDAY EDITION
THE LAURIE BEECHMAN THEATRE - 407 WEST 42ND STREET
DOORS OPEN AT 11:30AM AND SHOW BEGINS AT NOON! Call 212.695.6909 for Reservations
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A HANDY, AMIRIGHT GUYSSSSS?
Well, the cable news outlets are all a tizzy as it was revealed that retired general David Petraeus has stepped down from his post as director of the CIA citing hot, hot lovemaking with Ms. Paula "Not David Petraues's Wife" Broadwell.
What has unfolded since this was made known is nothing short of awesome. I could tell you about it, but Gawker recently created a really lovely infographic which makes sense of what has happened using words and pictures. Neat!
Surely someone saw this coming - so to speak. How did this paramour and her inamorato carry out this affair undetected until a just few weeks ago? Perhaps someone did...
The investigative team here at GWGG has uncovered the mother-load: titles rejected by Penguin Publishing for Broadwell's book about Petraeus ultimately titled, ALL IN. Let's take a look, yes?
I am America. You are America. Tonight, like the U.S. Americans we are, we join to make the 2012 GWGG Election Liveblog.
Greetings, my fellow Americans. Republicans, Democrats and Undecideds - who have no fucking place in our democracy because you're clearly an idiot who is too stupid or too self-absorbed to pay attention - I bid you Merry Election Day.
Welcome to your official Greatness with Garrigan Gumption liveblog. Because I am a man-on-the go, I will be using the tweeters (hastag #GWGGElection)to provide you with the latest in commentary, and so that I can proudly declare at 12:01AM that Bill Clinton is King of America once more.
To get in on the hot, sweaty, fudgy, prickly, sneaky, tingly, tangy political news (along with real-time Mary Matalin tit pics) refresh your browser for the latest Tweets. You'll love it!
Better yet, participate in the conversation on Twitter using the hashtag #GWGGElection and get in on the action. It will be like Die Hard except without Bruce Willis and no one will be hard.
Salam, suckers! This is a picture of Morocco where I just was. It was sunny.
New York sucks right now. Like, it really sucks. We're all just sitting at home looking out the window at that tree that, isn't going to, but looks like it could come crashing through our window at any time, in between checking Facebook and reminding our friends to "stay safe" when what we really mean is, "I wish I'd bought more wine." Hurricane Sandy is ruining my re-entry into life and I don't like it one bit.
What I'm most upset about is how devoid New York is of mirth. Where's the mirth, man? When I was in Morocco just 48 hours ago, I had some motherfucking mirth then - believe me, you. Bell-kicking motherfucking mirth.
Would you look at the jugs on that one on the left? She's surpassing the bulkheads!
Speaking of jugs, here at Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, I strive to tell you nothing of consequence about my own life. I do this because I'm a Howard Hughes-esque recluse who spends most of his days pissing into 12oz. mason jars and french braiding my eyebrow hair. You see, I value privacy.
That said, I feel I owe you, my public, an explanation as to the infrequency of my posts. The truth is, I am getting married - like to another person. A female person.
After that was done, I thought I could just put up my feet and wait to be showered in a dowry of (4) goats, (2) candle sticks, and at last, my life goal of a bathtub full of pennies. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. After the engagement, that's when the work begins.
This weekend I ran my first 5K. Now get your asses over here and give me a fucking high-5.
After training on a diet of meatball hoagies (just like that Yoko Ono fellow who shills for Subway) and a training regimen that consisted mostly of prolonged skipping, I did it - the 2012 NYC 5K Color Run. So now all my elementary, middle and high school gym teachers are cordially invited to kiss my ass.
What was this comprised of? Well, ma dear Salli Melfi and I lay it out for you plain.
And to those of you out there who say, "waaaait a minute, that doesn't look like a legit 5K," you're right and shut up.
Or maybe he's just got a bondage fetish - and who doesn't, amiriiiiiiight???!!
For those uninitiated, Roshomon is a Japanese film which follows the same story as told through the eyes of (4) different people. This style is also the modus operandi for most pornos.
Since I've decided to embark on the magical world of vloggery this month, I thought how cool would it be to have a conversation, but to provide two different perspectives on that same conversation? You know what I did? I got all crazypants and did just that.
In the video below, you'll find my perspective, and in the one below it that of fellow vlogger, media maven extraordinaire, Ryan Swearingen.
Let's take a look.
And as for Ryan's point of view? It looked a little something like this.
Is your mind blown? Is it? Well, is it? Good. You'll need your mind to finish reading the rest of this post.
Luckily for your there's just this picture and a couple of more sentences you'll have to read. High brow shit for a decidedly low-brow medium. Will someone give me an now Oscar, pleases?
Some people love to follow Kim Kardashian or The Real Housewives of Gary, Indiana or Lark Voorhies or whoever.
Me? I have Meghan McCain.
I have long been fascinated by people who are famous for no reason. Not so I can ridicule them (OK, maybe it's so I can ridicule them), but also so I can learn their tactics and leverage this knowledge to begin my own media empire; allowing me to while away the rest of my life independently wealthy, watching the Bourne Trilogy on a non-stop loop.
But enough about Jason Bourne, let's talk about Meghan McCain. Join me as we venture into the world of the YouTubes and Google Image Search to unpack the secrets to her success and answer once and for all, why is Meghan McCain so goddamn popular?
If you picked up this month's issue of GQ, you maaaay have seen this picture...
...but probably not because I just made this on my computer using MS Paint like a 4th grader.
This month's issue actually looks more like this.
And for lovers of of phallic not-so-subtleties everywhere, America is all the better for it.
As I fingered my grubby paws through the pages of this issue, I couldn't help but think to myself, I sure can't wait to be introduced to Ms. Kate Upton's breasts talents.
Midway through the article, I couldn't help but notice that they didn't really spell out exactly what those talents were. So naturally I Googled our friend here, and I finally discovered her buoyant assets.
At first I thought there was going to be more to it, but that's really it. Initially, I was a little confused, and then I watched it again and again and again...and it all made sense.
If you need more convincing, well, here you go.
In addition to all these skills, I'm told Kate Upton also has a well-endowed bosom.
Actually, I believe my Papa is pretty indifferent about Mambo, but the song makes me happy and let's be honest, this blog is all about me.
Much like you, I too have a Father, a man who help give me life, and taught me to roll up my sleeves two folds - you know, so it looks professional, but like you're not afraid to get your hands dirty -like in All the President's Men, yeah, like that. Also the axiom that has most closely guided my life: if you're not quite sure about something, just make it up and hope no one notices. You know, the important stuff.
Yes, my poppa has taught me quite a lot over the past 33 years. While I have no memories before Facebook existed, I'd like to take you on a trip through the Garrigan Family Scrapbook to share a few special moments that I've had the good fortune to share with Dear Old Dad.