Monday, January 20, 2014

This Blog Has Been Retired

After a respectable 5 year run, this blog is now retired.  To keep up with the action, be sure to follow over at, Gumption Report.  Thanks for your readership and we hope you'll follow us over there!


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Opening THE PLAYBOOK with Spencer Melfi

Have you ever wanted to learn about sports from a real professional?  Well, I haven't.

All the same, I was recently asked to bring my expertise about the world of sporting to a new web program, THE PLAYBOOK with Spencer Melfi.  As you'll see in the video below, the results are sublime.

I don't think I'll be asked back.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

ARGOF*CKYOURSELF: 2013 Oscar Live Blog

 It's the day of the Oscars!

Oops! Wrong Oscar.

There.  Much better.

You guys, it's the 2013 Academy Awards! Or as I like to call it - Sycophant Christmas!

Join me right here as I live blog all the comings and goings OR join in the action and feel free to comment along.

I'm currently looking to recruit Dave & Giggles' very own Mike Bradly, but he has a baby, so he'll probably not even show, the jerk.

Anyway, I'm going to start drinking.  The magic begins at 8:30, and I'm already adorned with a million shimmering Swarovski crystals.  May the magic of Motion Picture God (money) bless us all.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Training Day: Race to Stop MS

When Sunday rolls around, it can mean only one thing: it's time for another training day to prep for the Race to Stop MS / New York City Half Marathon.  Unlike the Ethan Hawke, I don't have a drug pushing, crooked Denzel Washington challenging me to see if I "got the stuff".  No, me, all I've got is a training schedule I pulled off and the MapMyRun app.  Regardless, the results are just as thrilling as the more well known Training Day.  Take a look at the below, and I think you'll agree.

I hope you enjoyed this look into my training day.  Thanks so much to all who have supported me in my run so far.  If you'd care to help CLICK HERE.  BOOM!

Monday, February 11, 2013

FAQ for My Fellow Potential Juror

Why Hello Disgruntled New York City Person Called In for Jury Duty!

It is not great to meet you this sub-Arctic/hellishly-humid day.  It seems we've both been called for jury duty, and that's...something.  Before we get started with whatever insipidly forced banter which is inherently about to ensue, I wonder if I might provide you with some FAQ's with regards to some questions you might have, okay?  OK.  Here you go...

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Mad Men Season 6 Predictions

This, my Madison Avenue Manics, is how long you have to wait until the Season 6 Premier of television's famed programme, Mad Men, which returns to the airwaves, or cables, or however you young whippersnappers receive media transmissions these days.

April 7th, this seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is. To make the wait time a little more tolerable, I have decided to let you in on a few predictions I think we can anticipate in Season 6.  Let's see what April has in store.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Do you know what this is? This is...

THE PragueBlog

Yes, dear chickadees, the wifey and I are in Prague this week.  Why?  Because we love idyllic scenes and freezing our asses off. In lieu of this, rather than posting a summary of bell-kicks, I've decided to provide you with the livefeed of our activities.  It's like you're there with us, but warmer.  So hop aboard and scroll on down, we're headin'... TO THE PRAGUEBLOG!

What's that? You still want to see me bell-kick? Well, okay, if you insist.

Now off to bed with you. 

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Running is Weird, But I'm Doing It (for Charity)

Running is weird.  You have to get naked, go to sporting events, and there are always Coppers chasing you. All the same I'm going to do it because I'm serious about fitness (& helping others).

Yes, my friends, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I will be running the New York City Half Marathon to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

Now I know you've got questions, so I've decided to provide some answers:

  1. Why are you running the Half Marathon? Delusions of grandeur.
  2. Why are you running? I only found out that I have the ability to do this the other day by accidentally walking fast.
  3. How will you deal with all the taunting you'll receive from the other vastly more capable runners? With green beer that I will carry in a hat with straws built into it, which will hydrate me while I run.
This is a very exciting endeavor that I'm really pumped to undertake. I've been very fortunate in the past to be supported in these fundraising efforts by all you fantastic Gumptioneers, as we work to raise money to combat MS.  I hope you'll consider supporting me as I attempt something new this year!

That said, would you consider contributing towards my run?  If you can spare a few bucks, it would be greatly appreciated.


 To donate, simply click the link above and when you arrive on the page click "Donate to Patrick" at the top of the thermometer - and you're off to the races (so to speak)!  My first fundraising goal of $750 is due on February 8th, so I am truly grateful for any support you may be able to provide.

As always, thank you all for your kindness & generosity when it comes to supporting this cause that directly affects those near & dear to me.  Over the past (5) years, we've collectively raised over $15,000 benefiting the MS Society and that's pretty darn special - my sincere thanks to you all.

Oh, and if you're free come out and see me cross the finish line on March 17th in Central Park.  I'll be the exhausted, naked one with the beer hat.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

With Regards to Facebook, In 2013 Can We All Agree...

U.S. Americans, we did it. We beat the ancient Mayans & their "calendar", and we once again rein as rulers of the Universe.  Go buy yourself something nice.

Now that we've survived to toil yet another year, it's time you and I had a little chat. A chat about Facebook.

When we thought the world was about to end, I let a lot of stuff that you posted on Facebook slide.  However, now that we're all still standing, I'd like to take a quick moment to present you with a few Facebook resolutions that I'd like You to enact in 2013, the year of our Lord.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Ho! Ho! Homeland!

There are two things I love in this world: They are Christmas & Homeland.  Because I love thinking outside the box - like seriously, I thought inside a box once and it was horrible - I came up with an idea: what if I combined the heart-pumping action of Homeland, with the joy of the holiday season?

Now, I know the writers of Homeland are busy engineering the next diabolical machination of Abu Nazir, so I decided to take it upon myself to brainstorm a few ideas to: A.) protract the length of this season B.) provide a moment for us all to catch our breaths; and C.) bring the joy of the holidays to this exceedingly dark program.

But don't worry, I will make sure there are plenty of plot twists.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Saturday Morning Cartoons: Your Holiday Brunch Plans

You guys, life is hard.  Especially around the holidays.

Well, I can't do anything about the fact that you have big tittays or your dog doesn't like to have it's toenails clipped, but there's one thing I can help with.  Your plans for this Saturday's brunch.

Much like you, I've often thought, I wish I could see Saturday morning cartoons acted out live onstage by horribly talented people while getting shitfaced on bottomless cocktails.  Luckily for you that thing exists in real life, in the U.S. Americas, and I'm going to make all your dreams come true.

This Saturday at noon come to the Laurie Beechman Theatre for Saturday Morning Cartoons Live to see some incredibly talented people act out the most absurd, innuendo-laden Saturday morning cartoons for your holiday enjoyment.

So  join me December 1st and see people who are much, much more talented than I do funny things, while I attempt to channel my inner Bill Murray.

What are the cartoons being acted out?  We'll you'll just have to come out to find out!  Here are the deets!

Call 212.695.6909 for Reservations

See you HO! HO! HO!'s there!

...but seriously, it's really fun.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Rejected Paula Broadwell Book Titles


Well, the cable news outlets are all a tizzy as it was revealed that retired general David Petraeus has stepped down from his post as director of the CIA citing hot, hot lovemaking with Ms. Paula "Not David Petraues's Wife" Broadwell.

What has unfolded since this was made known is nothing short of awesome.  I could tell you about it, but Gawker recently created a really lovely infographic which makes sense of what has happened using words and pictures.  Neat!

Surely someone saw this coming - so to speak.  How did this paramour and her inamorato carry out this affair undetected until a just few weeks ago? Perhaps someone did...

The investigative team here at GWGG has uncovered the mother-load: titles rejected by Penguin Publishing for Broadwell's book about Petraeus ultimately titled, ALL IN. Let's take a look, yes?

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

#GWGGElection: Your 2012 Liveblog

I am America.  You are America.  Tonight, like the U.S. Americans we are, we join to make the 2012 GWGG Election Liveblog.

Greetings, my fellow Americans.  Republicans, Democrats and Undecideds - who have no fucking place in our democracy because you're clearly an idiot who is too stupid or too self-absorbed to pay attention - I bid you Merry Election Day.

Welcome to your official Greatness with Garrigan Gumption liveblog.  Because I am a man-on-the go, I will be using the tweeters (hastag #GWGGElection)to provide you with the latest in commentary, and so that I can proudly declare at 12:01AM that Bill Clinton is King of America once more.

To get in on the hot, sweaty, fudgy, prickly, sneaky, tingly, tangy political news (along with real-time Mary Matalin tit pics) refresh your browser for the latest Tweets.  You'll love it!  

Better yet, participate in the conversation on Twitter using the hashtag #GWGGElection and get in on the action.  It will be like Die Hard except without Bruce Willis and no one will be hard.

Let the democracy begin & let it begin with me.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Getting a (Bell) Kick Out of Morocco

Salam, suckers!  This is a picture of Morocco where I just was.  It was sunny.

New York sucks right now.  Like, it really sucks.  We're all just sitting at home looking out the window at that tree that, isn't going to, but looks like it could come crashing through our window at any time, in between checking Facebook and reminding our friends to "stay safe" when what we really mean is, "I wish I'd bought more wine." Hurricane Sandy is ruining my re-entry into life and I don't like it one bit.

What I'm most upset about is how devoid New York is of mirth.  Where's the mirth, man?  When I was in Morocco just 48 hours ago, I had some motherfucking mirth then - believe me, you.  Bell-kicking motherfucking mirth.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

More Than A Ring: A Race to the Aisle

Would you look at the jugs on that one on the left?  She's surpassing the bulkheads!

Speaking of jugs, here at Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, I strive to tell you nothing of consequence about my own life.  I do this because I'm a Howard Hughes-esque recluse who spends most of his days pissing into 12oz. mason jars and french braiding my eyebrow hair.  You see, I value privacy.

That said, I feel I owe you, my public, an explanation as to the infrequency of my posts.  The truth is, I am getting married - like to another person. A female person.

Last December, as some of you may recall, I got engaged to Ms. Salli Melfi.  If you want to relieve that magic, you can click here.  If you don't, just trust me it was awesome.  Like SOOOO MUCH BETTER than anything you could ever cook up.

After that was done, I thought I could just put up my feet and wait to be showered in a dowry of  (4) goats, (2) candle sticks, and at last, my life goal of a bathtub full of pennies.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  After the engagement, that's when the work begins.

Monday, September 03, 2012

In the Open

I am cool, and I am post-Labor Day fat and I am lazy and these are pictures of the U.S. Open.

This is the time that I looked cool in a tennis stadium.

This is the time I "single-handedly" took down the DirectTV blimp.

This is an aerial shot of Serena Williams's ass.

That's pretty much all you need to know.  Gonna go eat my 8th soft pretzel and continue on with my previously scheduled self-loathing.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Let's Get Colorful

This weekend I ran my first 5K.  Now get your asses over here and give me a fucking high-5.

After training on a diet of meatball hoagies (just like that Yoko Ono fellow who shills for Subway) and a training regimen that consisted mostly of prolonged skipping, I did it - the 2012 NYC 5K Color Run.  So now all my elementary, middle and high school gym teachers are cordially invited to kiss my ass.

What was this comprised of?  Well, ma dear Salli Melfi and I lay it out for you plain.

And to those of you out there who say, "waaaait a minute, that doesn't look like a legit 5K," you're right and shut up.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Tony Horton v. Paul Ryan

It seems every pundit has his or her point of view about the newly minted Vice Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan: "He's too conservative!" "He'll kill our olds!" He looks like Freddie Munster."

Yes, everyone has had their say, except for one man, P90X's Tony Horton.  That is until now.

Yummy, yummy, yummy indeed.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Everything Matt Flynn Knows, He Learned From Me

This is Matt Flynn. Last night he started for the Seattle Seahawks, a US American footballing team.

How does someone go from virtual unknown to starting quarterback?  He watched this video where I explain how football works.

TOUCHDOWN!  All your money & wives can be sent to GWGG World Headquarters.

Monday, August 06, 2012


This guy fricking loves vlogs.

Or maybe he's just got a bondage fetish - and who doesn't, amiriiiiiiight???!!

For those uninitiated, Roshomon is a Japanese film which follows the same story as told through the eyes of (4) different people.  This style is also the modus operandi for most pornos.

Since I've decided to embark on the magical world of vloggery this month, I thought how cool would it be to have a conversation, but to provide two different perspectives on that same conversation?  You know what I did?  I got all crazypants and did just that.

In the video below, you'll find my perspective, and in the one below it that of fellow vlogger, media maven extraordinaire, Ryan Swearingen.

Let's take a look.

And as for Ryan's point of view?  It looked a little something like this.

Is your mind blown? Is it? Well, is it? Good.  You'll need your mind to finish reading the rest of this post.

Luckily for your there's just this picture and a couple of more sentences you'll have to read.  High brow shit for a decidedly low-brow medium.  Will someone give me an now Oscar, pleases?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Is THIS Vlogging?

I love me.  As I think about me, I can't help but think, "how can I give more me to you so you can love me too?"

Eureka! Vlogging.

Vlogging is like blogging, but rather than using my words for self-satistfaction, I use moving pictures - just like the flickers!

As inspired by 's Savvy Sexy Social site, I will be participating in VEDA, Vlogging Every Day (in) August.  It is not called VEDIA because, as we all know, small words don't count.

Here's a sneak peek at what's in store.

If you want to see the daily posts, be sure to check out the GWGG YouTube page, and I'll post the best ones here ALL MONTH LONG.

No need to thank me, your unending adoration is thanks enough.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Meghan McCain: Decoding the Train Wreck

Some people love to follow Kim Kardashian or The Real Housewives of Gary, Indiana or Lark Voorhies or whoever.

Me? I have Meghan McCain.

I have long been fascinated by people who are famous for no reason.  Not so I can ridicule them (OK, maybe it's so I can ridicule them), but also so I can learn their tactics and leverage this knowledge to begin my own media empire; allowing me to while away the rest of my life independently wealthy, watching the Bourne Trilogy on a non-stop loop.

But enough about Jason Bourne, let's talk about Meghan McCain.  Join me as we venture into the world of the YouTubes and Google Image Search to unpack the secrets to her success and answer once and for all, why is Meghan McCain so goddamn popular?

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Kate Upton is Talent

If you picked up this month's issue of GQ, you maaaay have seen this picture... 

...but probably not because I just made this on my computer using MS Paint like a 4th grader.

This month's issue actually looks more like this.

And for lovers of of phallic not-so-subtleties everywhere, America is all the better for it.

As I fingered my grubby paws through the pages of this issue, I couldn't help but think to myself, I sure can't wait to be introduced to Ms. Kate Upton's breasts talents.

Midway through the article, I couldn't help but notice that they didn't really spell out exactly what those talents were.  So naturally I Googled our friend here, and I finally discovered her buoyant assets.

At first I thought there was going to be more to it, but that's really it.  Initially, I was a little confused, and then I watched it again and again and again...and it all made sense.

If you need more convincing, well, here you go.


In addition to all these skills, I'm told Kate Upton also has a well-endowed bosom.

America in decline?  I think not.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fuzzy Father's Day Memories

Actually, I believe my Papa is pretty indifferent about Mambo, but the song makes me happy and let's be honest, this blog is all about me.

Much like you, I too have a Father, a man who help give me life, and taught me to roll up my sleeves two folds - you know, so it looks professional, but like you're not afraid to get your hands dirty -like in All the President's Men, yeah, like that. Also the axiom that has most closely guided my life: if you're not quite sure about something, just make it up and hope no one notices. You know, the important stuff.

Yes, my poppa has taught me quite a lot over the past 33 years.  While I have no memories before Facebook existed, I'd like to take you on a trip through the Garrigan Family Scrapbook to share a few special moments that I've had the good fortune to share with Dear Old Dad.


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